Whining

I am feeling crappy and emotional today. The stupidest things have me teary. One - I was booted off my print station today. I was printing a whole bunch of legislation and one of the admin assistants complained or something, and now I've got to walk another 15 feet to a different printer. The issue is that I don't sit with the rest of my group, or I'm sure I wouldn't be asked to move. What I was doing was actually a critical and urgent task for a partner... who sits nowhere near me. This is office politics at it's most incredibly stupid, I realise, but I'm beyond peeved about it.

Second, LM hit me a couple of times today even after I asked him not to.

Third, my midwife booked my 20-week ultrasound at the stupid private clinic instead of the nice lovely hospital. I hate that place. They actually don't let your husband in for most of the ultrasound and the whole atmosphere is just so depressing. I got home and started thinking about it more, and had a cry. Assuming all is well, it will be the only other ultrasound I have this pregnancy, and I want to look forward to it. So after a few hormonal tears, I wrote the practice an e-mail to see if they can switch it to the hospital.

On the bright side, I settled a case today, which is good. And I heard the heartbeat of the baby - such a dainty little flutter. And maybe I won't bother working tonight and will go to bed early - that would be heaven.

Did I mention we were undertaking renovations? We are now at almost 2 weeks without a bathroom. Well, I exaggerate as we have a humble powder room in the basement. Trekking up and down the stairs for my nine million midnight pee breaks isn't ideal but it's better than having to knock on the neighbour's door. Showering at work is getting kind of old. Plus, half the time I'm so busy I can't do it in the morning and then before I know it, it's time to dash out the door for daycare. So sponge baths are my friend. I am really, really hoping to have a bath in the new tub this weekend, but that may be slightly ambitious.

Today was a good work day. I think I spoke to three separate clients which was pretty fun. I like being on the front lines, even though it's more stressful than knowing everything you say/do will be vetted. It's funny, when I was volunteering at law clinics, I thought I didn't want to do criminal because it was just so aggravating to see the situations people got themselves into. None of it was Law & Order suspense and drama. It was just "Yeah, I smashed the store window with a bottle" or "I threw rocks at that guy's car."

But maybe all law has an element of that. Of course, many people do find themselves in truly unfortunate situations through no fault of their own, and those are the cases where it's so rewarding to help out. But in a lot of situations you just want to say: "NO! You can't do that! Oh, you did already? Um, well, yes, they can sue you for that."

Highs and Lows

I am such a bad blogger lately. Did I mention that I am now officially a lawyer? I am waiting for my gowns to arrive right now, and I even have a few court dates lined up to wear them to! Very exciting. Maybe if you're very, very good I could be convinced to post some pictures of me in my "court dress", incognito of course.

In other, not so good, news, D found a lump and is now in a rush to get to the doctor and make sure it's not, um, bad. I can't even deal with that possibility right now. I'm sure it's probably nothing, right? Reminds me, I should be doing my monthly breast exams. And so should you! (Well, most of you at least)

Overtime

You know what I've come to realise?  I really don't mind putting in a couple of hours of work after LM goes down for bed.  Realistically, I'd otherwise be surfing the 'net or watching TV, so I don't feel like I missing out on living.  I'm not a productive baker, or seamstress at 9 p.m. but I can crank out a memo.  

I don't like working during naptime though - I need that downtime to either put my feet up myself or to do something productive, like garden.

And I really, really, really hate going into the office on the weekend.  Seeing LM's puzzled face  after our weekend morning routine (lazing in bed, some books and playing, pancakes for breakfast) as I wave bye-bye - it's the worst feeling in the world.  I thought about it all day and was racked with guilt, and annoyance at being away.  D said that LM had the best day ever, didn't ask for me at all, and was in a terrific mood.  Not sure that made me feel any better, honestly.  I can be away from him 5 days a week, no problem.  But make it six and it really starts to hurt. 

I'm pretty lucky as lawyers go as I don't have to do that very often.  But even once feels like too much.

Time Off

This was the first weekend in a while that I haven't had to work at all, and it's amazing how much more refreshed I am. I hate having to spend naptime madly looking into builder's liens matters or drafting memo on bankruptcy law (a growth industry, for sure).

A few fun things have happened on the workfront. First, I had my first hearing on my own - like a mini-trial. Yep, got to cross-examine and everything. Now this was a tribunal hearing, so it was a little less low-key than an actual court case, but it was still an amazing experience.

Second, I thought I messed up at work and had a horrible sleepless night about it; the next day I talked to a partner about it and he was SO nice and reassuring. I was like "I think I may have messed up..." and he said "I doubt that". Then when I explained what happened, he was all "it's so not a big deal" (I'm paraphrasing that second part.) So it was nice to feel.

Anyway LM wakes so I must run.

La la la la life goes on

Looks like this crappy pay cut of D's is going to happen - there's been some push back but all in all it seems sort of inevitable given the financial straits the company is in. It does not leave me with a happy feeling, particularly when he had to go to work tonight and plans to be there all weekend. How's that for motivation - work more, get paid less. Yahoo.

There were layoffs at my office too. Not lawyers, but support staff. Really nice people too - makes me very sad. Good time to be doing employment-related law - more and more of that is across my desk every day.

Oh well - I can't worry about things too much.

Little Man is loads of fun these days - I love getting little message at my work where he says "Hi!" and then "Mummy" and then "ba ba ba." He has these tiny little plastic animals purchased by Grandma and he makes them walk and climb chairs and yowl out their little animal sounds. Also they get and give lots of kisses with big smacking noises. His cat sound is the best as it's sort of an pained meow - no doubt prompted by the reaction he gets from his own cat who constantly rebukes him when he gets too friendly (as he inevitably does).

He wants to do everything we do - put on headphones, talk on the phone, use a fork and spoon, tap on the computer, flip through books or whatever. Everything except walk that is - every now and then he'll psych us out and stand up and lurch forward two or three steps only to sit with a grin.

Life is good.

In other news I am irritated that Blogger won't let me use any of its fun features or new templates just because I am self-hosted. I want a tag cloud and I don't want to do have do a tonne of coding to get it.

I Should Think of A Better Title Than 'Ramblings' Because I Think I Already Used That One

As usual lots of disparate thoughts in my head.

Can't wait until I never have to do another minute book review. For the uninitiated, when someone buys or sells all or part of a company, they like to review the minute book, which contains all the corporate documents, to make sure everything was done above board. So you read through all these meeting minutes and corporate documents and try to find some anomaly - like Joe Smith director didn't sign his consent to act as director until a week after he was appointed. Ugh - boring. And even when you feel really good because you find something, you tell the person in charge and then it seems to just drift off into a blackhole and you never hear about it again. (Well, if you're me, you hope you never hear about it again! Damn I am going to jinx myself here.) So it feels kinda meaningless too. Countdown until articles are over and I can refuse to do that stuff on the basis of my non-corporate department status.

Second - ran into a bud of mine from my bar course at the courthouse. (Another bonus to litigation versus corporate - running into people you'd never otherwise see at the courthouse.) We got into a great chat. He was asking me about having kids, I was telling him it was hard but awesome. And then I asked if he and his wife were thinking about it. "Nah, we broke up." he said. Shit! He didn't seem to upset about the overly personal question but it struck me, I'm at that age now where my friends are becoming divorced. I really am getting old.

Three - hm - no way to segue this with the other two topics. Hitting! I was at a dear friend's house and her kid kept HITTING Little Man. I had no idea what to do. The hitter is almost 3. The first time it happened I thought it was a fluke, and comforted LM. I guess I didn't want my friend to feel bad, or for her to feel like I was mad at her child, so I tried not to get upset. She told her son not to do it and he seemed to listen to that. But soon after he lunged after LM again, giving him a real pummelling. He was sent to his room but soon came out again. Obviously I was distressed and got on my knees to run interference. Later the little dude went for LM again so I gently pushed him back before he could get him. He had a meltdown and screamed, and I felt bad for pushing him, but if the alternative was hitting I'm not sure what else I could have done. At that point I realised the visit should be cut short. For some reason I think he tried to go for LM for time #4 but the details are foggy.

Anyway - what do you do with that? My friend feels like a pariah. And between you and me, her child has been like that for a while. When he was 15 months he pulled LM's newborn hair when LM was sleeping in the swing. When he was 2, he threw a hard plastic ball at LM's 9-month old head. And now this. I guess the only thing I can do if I want to remain her friend is make sure that our activity doesn't involve any opportunity for the kids to interact - a walk in the stroller perhaps. What would I do if LM was like that? I think I would remove him entirely from the situation, which my friend didn't seem willing to do (and which I should have made happen sooner). Apparently her son does this all the time - I had no idea.

What would you do if your child hit like that? Is there something you're supposed to do that I don't know? LM is generally pretty good - when he gets rough, we remind him "gentle" and he will start patting whatever he was formerly tugging or yanking (usually the cat's tail). He flails his arms when really upset or angry but has yet to deliberately hit me (or anyone else as far as I know). He was also apparently unphased by the hitting because he had no sense of self-preservation in terms of avoiding this child. I like to think that it's because of his sheltered happy existence - and that he assumed it was a fluke, like when mommy accidentally opens the cupboard door into his head (only happened once - I swear!). I know that some day he may turn into a hitter despite my best efforts, so I try not to judge. Still, it really sucks to see your kid get beat on when he's just trying to groove out to the "demo" on an electronic keyboard.

So there are more topics, but to avoid this becoming a complete and utter ramble I will save them for another day.

Good Times

Me = laziest blogger evah.

Still battling the sick, both me and LM. Did you know that sinus pain could cause you to have horrendous toothaches that made you want to pull said molars out? Me either. I learned this after showing up at my dentist begging for a root canal. Sadly, he did not oblige. Word to the wise - decongestant + tylenol + snorting salt water (yeah, you heard me) really helps. I thought about going to the doc but I found a NYT article that said that antibiotics don't abbreviate sinus infections, so I figured I'd avoid a morning off work, the cost of a prescription and the potential for cultivating drug-resistant bacteria.

In other exciting news, I got hired back. Happened a few days before more horrendous doom and gloom headlines about our economy, which was probably fortuitous. As you might recall my articles are up in a few months and then the firm has to make the decision to have me back. I confess, I was not losing sleep over it as I was feeling fairlye confident that they like me. But in these terrible times, it's anyone's guess. I don't know any lawyers who have been laid off personally, but I hear it is happening at places across the city. So it was very nice that the decision was made quickly, early and there didn't appear to be too much angst about it all. I think the hire still has to officially be okayed by head office, but I was told that was just a formality.

I'm going to be doing mainly litigation, but some corporate as they lost a corporate person and have some folks leaving on maternity leave. However, it was promised to me that I don't have to do any banking work since that makes me want to poke my eyes out. I think when I told them that, I phrased it a bit more diplomatically but I get absolutely no satisfaction from assisting people to move money around between various corporations, half of which don't even have real names. So much of it is motivated by tax reasons that I don't understand so it's all sort of random and abstract. Admittedly, some of the litigation files I work on are equally process-oriented and tedious, but at least I have a better sense of why we're doing it.

It's funny the guy who actually hired me into his "group" isn't someone I've done a massive amount of work for. But just before Christmas he asked me for help on a biggish project. It was one of the very few nights I stayed at the office ridiculously late (because I didn't want to come in over the weekend) and toiled away. I guess he liked what he saw. I'm sure that wasn't the only thing that got me hired back, but I bet it helped. So it just goes to show... well I'm not really sure what it goes to show. Maybe something like: You never know who's going to be the one to make the decision, so don't start coasting part-way through your articles. On the other hand, don't kill yourself either. I leave around 5 most days, and I still got hired back. My hours are respectable though nothing to write home about. I'll work late if it needs to be done for a deadline, but not just for the sake of being there. And if I can, I prefer to be home for a couple of hours with LM then get back on the computer once he's in bed.

In any case I'm quite pleased at how things are turning out. I'm really lucky to be at a "national" firm and yet because we're a small office, we still have the flexibility and informality of a much smaller firm.

This weekend my goal is to do very few errands - so when LM wakes up from his nap, I will not clean the house. Instead, the three of us will go out for a nice brunch. And tonight is a long-awaited date night - I haven't been to the movies since we saw Batman six months ago.

I Saw the Constellations Reveal Themselves One Star at a Time

2008 was a very happy year for us... we watched LM grow from a tiny baby to a full-fledged human being with a personality. He has brought us a ton of joy. I spent most of the year on maternity leave, which was wonderful, and then restarted work in the fall. That transition has gone pretty well too - still not sure I've found my true calling, but it pays the bills for now and I have a great group of colleagues. The days go quickly and before I know it I'm back with my little man for an evening. We've had some sadness too this year, as my aunt continues to decline and D's grandmother died yesterday.

What will '09 bring? I'm not sure... contemplation of another pregnancy perhaps. Potentially D going back to school. Hopefully being hired on at the firm I'm with... still not sure what department though. And some travel I hope - including a tropical vacation which I am leaving for very soon!

Resolutions? Nothing radical - to save more money, to eat more healthily. I also want to work out more for my overall fitness. Weight loss is not an issue - I realise this complaint doesn't garner much sympathy, but my main problem these days is keeping on the weight. Don't know if it's working too hard/lack of sleep/extended breastfeeding or just some weird hormone thing but I seem to be one of those women who gets thinner after baby. Other resolutions are, to try and be greener by buying less crap I don't need. Also I want to think more about what I want from my career and to make sure that I'm on a path that will eventually take me there - with the occasional course-correction as needed.

And since everyone is doing it, I thought I'd do a little recap of the last 12 months:

January - We do our first travel with baby; I leave LM with a non-family babysitter for the first time; we think about buying a house.

February - We bid on a house and lose it; the fog of the all-consumingness of LM clears a little and I become capable of thinking about a few other things (but rarely do!); his sleep regression and million and ten wake-ups through the night start to wear on me.

March - Lots more posts about sleep...

April - We buy a house! And then sell our condo (oh those wild heady days when you could do that!). LM goes to the beach.

May - We sell our condo again after our first buyer flakes out. LM and I do some travelling and I am reintroduced to the beauty of showering without a baby in the room the whole time...

June - I accost a cyclist and am bemused at my niece's comments about my breasts... oh and I run a half marathon (have barely worked out since then)

July - We move into our HOUSE and I start freaking about the fact that I have no childcare organised for LM. We go to the ER for the first time when LM spikes a 5-day fever of 103+; LM goes mobile and starts crawling.

August - With less than a month before going back to work, I organise daycare. We hire a sleep consultant and LM sleeps through the night for the first time EVAH!

September - I start back at work. My aunt finds out her breast cancer has metastasized to her brain.

October - My articles continue; LM gets various daycare illnesses.

November - A tiny bit of work drama, but nothing major.

December - We adopt a "family in need" for Christmas and buy them loads of presents. My aunt gets sicker; LM starts talking in earnest and says all sorts of English and Spanish words...

And January - I leave this post to go eat chocolate ice cream with D! See ya later...

Scattered Leaves

I know there are people out there who say they do no chores after their kids go to bed. I cannot understand how that works! If I didn't do chores after LM went to bed, our house would be disgusting - well, let me qualify that - even more disgusting.

Our usual routine is that one of us gets home at 5:15 with him. When it's D he's really productive and usually makes dinner. When it's me, I usually just get to the defrost something stage. I attribute that to the fact that LM is much more clingy with me, and also that I have a far lower tolerance for just letting him fuss on the floor while I cook. I only get a couple of hours a day with him, so I like to cater to his wants rather than be the mean mummy.

When the other person gets home around 6 or 6:30, we finish up dinner together. After that we eat, hang out for a bit, and then one of us bathes him while the other cleans up from dinner. Bedtime for LM is work time for mum and dad. Just the every day (or every other day) tasks of changing the cat litter, sweeping up under the high chair, doing laundry, paying the odd bill, emptying the dishwasher, emptying the bath and putting away bath toys... they take so much damn time! I leave the major tasks to a cleaning lady who comes every other week but just the maintenance is crazy.

Not sure why I am stressing about this... I am in a bizarre mood because of a disturbing visit I had with my aunt this afternoon; she has metastatic c@ncer and she's in hospital after a bad incident. She wants to go home and we had a little dispute about the level of care she needs to do that. I guess because I am the lawyer-type person in the family, I was charged with helping her make some of these decisions. She wants to pay a friend to stay with her but I think that's unrealistic. Without going into detail, the level of care she needs at this point is a lot more than what a friend can provide. Do you ever want to stomp out of a difficult situation because you're just a kid and you shouldn't have to make these kinds of decisions? I do. And then I look at my driver's license and remember that I'm practically an old lady myself these days. Weird. I hate having to be the grown-up.

Oh, I want to thank you for the Christmas ideas - they were lovely and I will definitely use them. I also like the idea of just staying at home at Christmas, but it's complicated this year for a few reasons. D's parents will be in town, but not staying with us, so we have to go over to where they're staying for Christmas dinner... I wanted to host Christmas Eve, but my aunt cannot come here because she cannot manage the stairs. But we will preserve Christmas morning all to ourselves - definitely want LM's memories to be of waking in his own home and spending the day there.

And finally, I am a Dooce-whore and I totally bought this Christmas album solely because she recommended it. It's good if you're not a Christmas purist. It beats Stompin' Tom anyway - thought my mother was going to lose it when we started playing that at dinner last night.

Mmmm.... strawberries

Delicious is:
-a fun date night out at a gallery where there are free chocolate-covered strawberries
-a great meal and free-flowing wine
-when your baby wakes at 5:30 but falls back asleep next to you in bed, all snuggly like, allowing you to nurse your hangover until 8

The corporate/litigation dilemma continues; after sharing my "being yelled at" story with some of the associates, I found that corporate people get yelled at too; in fact, one of them was yelled at that very day. So I guess the occasional yelling match is just an occasional part of being a lawyer.

A friend of mine has asked if I can incorporate his business and review some contracts. This has me thinking that long-term, I would love to do this kind of stuff for small businesses. I love the idea of branching out on my own some day and offering these sorts of basic services for small businesses, female entrepreneurs etc. I could probably work part-time from a home office doing this kind of stuff and it would be quite lucrative. So that's another notch in favour of corporate.

I'm also working on a constitutional case at work - very exciting and big. Lots of going out, meeting and interviewing people, tonnes of research, the kind of case that could go all the way and will have a major impact on the way that the law is shaped and developed. Will be really fascinating - so that's another notch in favour of litigation.

Pondering

I was thinking of taking my last post done moments after I wrote it because I felt like such a crappy mother... but once I got your comments I wanted to leave it up! Sleeping has been much better again lately and we're back to easy bedtimes, for which I am much relieved. I really hope we can avoid another cold for a few weeks though - I am really sick of being sick.

So, career. I've been thinking lately that I really like litigation, want to do it, blah blah blah. But it's funny how one silly experience can kind of taint your whole view. I'm managing a little matter right now and had to call opposing counsel a few days ago. The man was just so unbearably rude. He yelled at me, and was very belittling. I just can't stand that. Can't you vigourously defend your client while maintaining some professional courtesy? It's just so unnecessary. I had the sense that the bar was more cordial than that, but if that's a common experience I'm not sure litigation is the way for me.

For some reason it's lingering with me, even though there's really no reason it should stress me out now. I hate taking my work home with me - I wish when I was with LM I could just focus completely on him instead of worrying about some inconsequential person. I don't know - does it help to be like that? Maybe it does. Maybe those tactics intimidate enough people off that they drop their suits. Anyway, all things to ponder.

On to brighter things - it's very hard to get a good picture of LM recently because he's always lunging for the camera, but here's a picture of my little peach - he's looking rather tired because he was still sick, but starting to get over it.

Articles 101

Ooooh - well I was asked a question recently, that is, about what "articles" are. So here's the primer. I love questions.

In Canada (and other common law countries I believe) you have to article before being called to the bar (i.e. before being formally anointed as a lawyer). Articles are basically an "internship." The length of time varies depending on the province, but doing the required bar course and articling takes about a year.

In other ways the legal education is about the same as in the U.S. - we do three years of law school with the same base courses of Contracts, Torts, Criminal Law, Property and Constitutional Law. Our degree is a more or less a post-graduate degree. Actually that's sort of a gray area - 99% of law school students do have an undergraduate degree but in rare cases you can get into the program with just three years of undergraduate education. Also the law degree itself is called a "Bachelor of Laws." The reason for this is that in England and Australia a law degree is an undergraduate degree and Canada adopts the same terminology - although more and more schools in Canada are calling it a Juris Doctor (the U.S. equivalent) to reflect the fact that it is not an undergraduate degree. In fact, my law school may have made the switch, it was in the works when I graduated and possibly I could pay some sum of money to have my LLB converted to J.D.

Many graduates of Canadian law schools go directly to U.S. firms, so there's really no major difference in the core education. Oh - the other difference is that there are way fewer law schools in Canada, proportionally speaking. As a result admissions standards at all schools tend to be quite high.

After graduation, if you choose to practice in Canada, you have to get hired by a firm willing to take you on for your articles - and most students (at least is seemed like almost all) do. During the articles you are supposed to get exposure to different areas of law. Of course if you are at a small firm it will be much more limited, but at the larger national firms like mine there is quite a bit of variety. It's really a wonderful opportunity to gain exposure to all different areas of practice. Even if you know what you want to do it's useful to see how the other side works. For example even if you know you want to do solicitor's work, it's useful to understand how the court system works so you understand what the consequences might be if the contract you draft does get you taken to court. And if you're not entirely sure what you want to do, it's an opportunity to decide.

The catch is that firms don't necessarily hire back all their students - after all it's a test run for the firm too. Hireback statistics are compiled and do affect people's choices on where to article. But they can vary from year to year depending so many students spend the year worrying about hireback, which is a drawback to the program. The other drawback is the pitiful salary - at least in my city. I expect I will get a raise of 50% or more if and when I'm hired back. It's a little exploitative considering my billing rates are not that much lower than a first year associate's.

In addition to articles you also have to do a bar course and exam. The exam is different in each province, but I think it's fair to say it is not as stressful as it seems to be in places like California or New York - the vast majority of people pass.

Another question people ask me - can you fail you articles? Technically, yes. You have to meet certain criteria and accomplish certain tasks and this is all regulated by the body governing lawyers in each province. (We are a self-regulated profession in Canada.) You have a principal, aka a senior lawyer at your firm, assigned to oversee you and ensure you do this. But I've never heard of anyone failing and I doubt it happens except in the most egregious cases.

Man - I don't know where the time goes. I have been down with the most atrocious cough and cold lately. LM has it too... when I got home on Friday his eyes were gooped up like crazy. Then Sunday he was lethargic as all hell, just completely crashed out in my arms for hours at time. Monday was desperate times - what to do with LM? We couldn't send him off to daycare in that condition, so I stayed home in the morning and D came home at 12 and we traded off.

I've been pretty sick too, with a crazy sore throat and in a complete fog. I've had a couple of days where I've felt completely swamped but when I tally up my hours at the end of the day I've only billed three and a half. I always have the best intentions of working at home, but when you're exhausted with cold it makes much more sense just to collapse into bed.

I've had a couple of conversations lately that have hinted to me that no one has thought super strategically about what to do with me at the end of my articles. This revelation is a little alarming to me. I'm not seriously worried about my hire-back potential, only about where it is they'll slot me when the hire-back decision comes around. That and I do not want to be job hunting again anytime soon.

But other than that things are well, work is good and interesting and LM is delicious.

Formula

Work + everyone in the family being sick = dead tired.

Did I Tell You They Call Him José?

The inaugural furnace-putting on is tonight. We were trying to hold out until Thanksgiving, but given that it is going to be 4 degrees tonight, we went for it. The house smells like burning dust. But at least it's working - lots of nice, warm air.

I had my second court date, which was almost as exciting as the first. Not as many funny stories though, but I did get what I set out to. Now they are letting me loose on clients too, which is kind of crazy. Apparently I am going to meet some of them on my own this week and then represent them. Kind of frightening, but I reminded myself that if they're letting me do this, there really can't be that much of an opportunity to screw up.

Daycare continues to go well, although I must say, it still kind of weirds me out that I really have no idea what LM is up to all day. When I showed up today he was partying in the common room of the apartment building with various friends and family of the daycare provider, all of whom seemed to know and love him. He was having a great time, kicking around in a little plastic car. On the one hand I think it's so cool that they treat him as a member of the family. But I am still missing him terribly. Did I tell you they call him by a Spanish name now? I'm telling you, a five day work week is just too much.

Amusing Stories

Note to self: do not watch movie in which child dies immediately before going to bed. Ugh. I am going to have bad dreams tonight.

Mother postponed her trip slightly and now another family member is coming to look after aunt for a while, so that's good. Gawd... rips your heart out. So many good things were coming her way. Things are on ice right now as steroids and radiation has everything in a holding pattern.

On other issues: Work - it's good... I just wish I didn't have to be there quite so much. Am pining for a four-day work week and trying to figure out how/when/if that would work. D and I are slowly coming to the conclusion that it just isn't working for us to have both of us working long hours, so something's gotta give eventually. He is starting to think seriously about moving jobs and I'm contemplating what I will do once my articles are up.

Had my first solo court date today - nothing major, just a little small claims issue. I was able to sort of enjoy it, though I must admit I quavered a bit when I got up to speak.

Provincial courts really are fascinating places if you like people-watching. Most people in small claims are acting for themselves so they just get up there and start ranting which is kind of fun. But it's also kind of frustrating. It's sort of ridiculous that someone can owe someone else thousands of dollars and be allowed to pay them back over a period of years. I have no idea how typical that is, but what I was watching today was mostly people coming up with long convoluted schedules for repayment.

There was one group trying to figure out some payment schedule and literally the dude wanted to pay back $7000 at a rate of $10 a month. The judge shot that down but only set the payment at $100 a month. I mean, I know for some people that's a lot, but the guy had a $300 cell phone bill and admitted to spending $40 a month on alcohol and smokes. To me those are not fixed expenses. Another party begged not to up their monthly payments even though they made $75 charitable donations each month (and owned 3 cars). I'm sorry, but if you owe someone a few thousand dollars, I think your obligation should be to them over some prosletysing charity (and over your '79 Chevy).

I'm still mulling over whether I want to do corporate law or whether I want to be in the courtroom. One thing litigation definitely has in it's favour is amusing anecdotes. There aren't as many of those when you're stuck in a boardroom with a bunch of documents doing due diligence.

I Ain't Missing You at All - Except When I Am

Today was hard. LM was very cranky this morning; I was dropping him off at daycare solo since D had to be at work early. He was yelling the whole time I was getting ready and was in tears when I dropped him off. I welled up too, but then I remembered to be cheerful so he wouldn't be more upset by my being upset. "Have a great day!" I grinned through clenched teeth. Blah.


I was weepy all the way to the bus stop and then several times after that throughout the day - probably because I wasn't busy at all today and 90% of the lawyers were away so there was no one to get work from. It felt completely pointless to be there. I got all panicked at lunch because I called the daycare and no one picked up. I kept imagining horrible things and could barely restrain myself from rushing right over. That's a way my anxiety manifests itself - worry. Then panic was probably aided by the fact that the only thing I had to do all afternoon was look up regulatory limitation periods. I stopped and realised what I was doing and went for a walk to get my mind off it. The daycare lady did call back and leave me a message while I was out and I could hear him chattering away in the background so that made me feel better.

Five days is a long time to be away from my little guy. I don't like it. It's too much and I miss him terribly. Not at all on day one, two and three - but by day 5 I just want to feel his wriggly little self in my arms. Someone made the point to me recently that's it's sort of strange that there isn't more jobsharing in law, since the job lends itself to it quite easily. Whereas a profession like teaching doesn't as much, yet they seem to be able to manage it there - obviously because people demand it.

I don't know - I have moments where I want to do the prestigious firm thing for a while - maybe make a career at it, shoot for partner, whatever. Then I have moments where I just want to get out as soon as the articles are done and find something part-time for a bit. I think of any 'big firm' it's probably the best fit and I feel very comfortable there, but I'd like to start thinking about what some other options might be just in case. I'm not sure I have it in me to work as hard as I'd have to if I wanted to do big law.

We have an appointment at the bank tomorrow and I don't even want to be away from LM that long! It's funny, for D everything feels better now that we're both working and in the same boat. But for me it feels like I have less time with him, less time with LM and I'm kinda slacking off at work since I have to get out of there and get home.

Blah - I'm just having a bad day - tomorrow will be brighter. I get to spend it with this guy!

Busy Times

Man, sometimes I really wonder how people do this... work plus parent. It's a tough juggle. And I'm starting to realise that when you have a high pressure job and commitment to family, the thing you sacrifice is sleep. At 12:15 on Friday I got an urgent e-mail from an associate and a call from a partner. I had a bunch of tasks to do - drafting interview questions for a discovery, reviewing land title registry requirements in another province, trying to find a work-around for a client who just realised he can't legally do something. I had a welcome lunch that day too, so after figuring out what they wanted me to do, I rushed out for lunch... couldn't quite enjoy it as I was watching the clock the whole time. By the time I got back from lunch there was a message from the partner asking if I'd done what she asked (Um, no) so I did that as quickly as I could. Then I spent a few hours on the research task and came up with virtually nothing. I still managed to squeeze out the door to pick up LM from daycare with the promise that I'd check my e-mail later and do some research for first thing Saturday.

On the way to pick up LM (at the last possible moment) the wires on the bus got derailed so I was stuck in traffic for 15 minutes in the middle of an intersection. I was only five blocks away but the driver refused to let anyone off the bus. I guess when the rails come off they automatically shut off any heating and ventilation too because the temperature immediately soared to about 40 degrees celsius. Naturally, my cell phone was dead too since LM peed on it a while ago when I let him play with it and the battery life hasn't been quite the same since. I show up at the playground sweating and frazzled but at least LM is happy to see me. "No poops again!" says the daycare provider with a concerned look. I assure her that he pooped before daycare, so we're all clear there.

Get him home, nurse, feed, play, bath, empty bath and remove poop, run bath again, watch LM get frustrated with his shaper sorter because he can't get the piece in (man, that kid takes after me sometimes) bedtime. Then I log in to my e-mail and find three urgent e-mails from the associate. Mercifully the last one tells me not to bother doing any more research on the task until Monday. I planned to do all my other undone work on Friday so I could enjoy the weekend, but I was way too exhausted and collapsed into bed at 10, only to find I couldn't sleep.

I wonder if I'll ever have an hour to watch TV in the evenings again?

A Day in the Life of a Working Mother

Wow - I am adjusting to being back at work. It's quiet a different pace, I must say. I am enjoying it much more than I thought. I admit, in the two or three days right before going back I had a few toddler-esque moments of whining "I don't wannnnna go back to work" through tears. But I also had a realisation on the bus that at least I'm going back to a job that's a pretty good one - it's not like I'm scrubbing toilets at a penitentiary.

So work is good. There are a lot more young associates than there were when I started there a few years ago, so the atmosphere is much more fun and lively. I'm not super-busy yet, but I have a few interesting files coming my way. But basically it would be perfect if I didn't have to go every single workday. Someone needs to legislate the four day work week.

It's quite different having a child - no more lingering around after work or showing up really early. A couple of times a week I have to leave at 4:30 to get LM from daycare. I haven't really told anyone that's what I'm doing - I just do. So far no one has gotten stressed about it, though I should probably make it a habit to check my e-mail when I get home. Luckily in this modern age that isn't a big problem. Or maybe that's unlucky - I'll be expected to check.

LM is adjusting well to daycare. He doesn't like to be handed right to the provider's arms, but if I put him down he crawls off right away and starts to investigate and make himself at home. So far there haven't been any tears, but perhaps there will be once he realises he's going there EVERY day. I hope not, but I'm prepared for it. But maybe we'll escape that stage altogether. It's funny - for a while he had separation anxiety that was sooooo intense, I wondered how he'd ever manage without me. But he has grown into such a happy, secure little guy - it's wonderful to see. He knows I'll be back for him at some point.

When I go to pick him up he is happy to see me - that's always a highlight of the day. He immediately goes for the chest to nurse, although I can distract him long enough to take the bus home if necessary. But once we're settled at home we have a nursing session. It's a very relaxing way to reconnect after a long day apart. It's funny - when I was breastfeeding a newborn I couldn't imagine breastfeeding someone so big and toddler-esque. But now I can't imagine breastfeeding a newborn with a wobbly head and a tiny little mouth and the insatiable appetite. Nursing an older baby is so much easier.

After that we play a little bit on the floor. Then D. and I manically try to put dinner on the table in time to all eat together - a new experiment. D and I used to always eat after LM went to bed but as he gets older and is eating more of what we eat, we're trying to move towards the family dinner.

After a very messy dinner, LM has his bath and goes to bed and I busy myself with cleaning up the high chair carnage and making his breakfast and lunch for the next day. The sleeping is still going well. He didn't sleep through the night again right away after his first time, but he did again about 5 days later and has pretty much done it ever since. He is waking up damn early so we're now trying to rectify that. We can usually get him back to sleep right away with a few pats, so we're hoping that he eventually gets used to not waking until 6:30.

Like everything else these days this post is more of a ramble than anything coherent, but I don't seem to have the time to edit my thought process.

Puff Piece

I a currently being Bad Mummy - feeding LM pieces of my Clif Bar. I think having an older child is going to force me to improve my eating habits - now that he demands what I'm eating I can't very well have graham crackers for lunch. On the bright side, having a child who eats table food is also great. Yesterday I grabbed an impromptu sushi dinner and I hadn't packed any proper food for him but he happily munched away on gyoza and edamame beans. Mmmm.

Speaking of food, the naturopath is having me cut out dairy for LM as she thinks he might be allergic and that may be what's causing his cough/constant mucousyness. She hinted that wheat might also be a cause but we'll start with dairy. On the one hand, I am skeptical because with the exception of things like milk protein allergies and celiac disease, I find it hard to believe that so many of us are sensitive to things that have been staples of Western diet for so long. On the other hand, it's true that his cold/flus have been much worse since I started making yoghurt and cheese a major part of his diet. I'll try anything if it might help but I am going to have to get creative now in term in deciding what protein to feed him. I also have figure out something to do with all the frozen papaya-cottage cheese cubes and the cheesy chicken puree I made last weekend. Shit... I just realised Clif Bars "may contain" milk products.

And since you asked, the sleep stuff is going extremely well! The night before last he slept 10 hours straight in his crib... it was thrilling. Last night he regressed a bit and was up again three times, but was very easy to get back to sleep. The consultant had warned us that there would likely be regression on night four of the no nursing portion of our plan (weird, how did she know?) It's funny how you get greedy - initially I said "if we could just get him down to two night wakings." But now that he's done it, I'm all "when will he sleep through again???!" I do miss our nighttime cuddles, but we have a nice long skin-to-skin nursing session in the morning, which we never did before since he was snacking all night so that's a pretty good substitute.

The consultant also developed a schedule for me during the day to help him adjust to daycare since at daycare the kids take a long nap in the afternoon. Obviously the daycare provider will be flexible with LM since he's still small, but it would be easier if he gets on that schedule since they go out in the mornings. So right now I let him nap just a half-hour in the a.m. and then put him down for a longer nap in the afternoon. For the first time he is taking an afternoon nap that lasts more than 45 minutes.

I'm not sure he is entirely ready for such a short morning nap as he gets very tired and cranky. And if I'm out between 11 and 12 (prime errand time) and he happens to be in the stroller, the carrier or the car seat there's just no way to keep him awake, or even rouse him. But the afternoons are awesome and since it's my last week "off" I'm using my spare time not to clean up, do house stuff or sleep but rather to lazily watch dozens of episodes of Sex and the City. I bought them at the start of my meat leave when I assumed I'd have all this free time while he napped and played by himself (ha ha ha!)

Anyway I am even a teensy bit excited to go back to work - or at least to buy lots of glamourous office clothes and new lipstick! I can tell I'm not 100% in work mode quite yet though - I was looking at bags yesterday for work to carry papers/laptop and the one I ended up (this one, was much cheaper at the store than online) looks professional but also doubles as a diaper-bag complete with a wipes container, and wet bag. I was hesistant to get a purple bag since I have a red winter coat, but the salesgirl assured me that red and purple go really well together and in fact they "need to be worn together more often". So I pretty much had an obligation to buy it. It's so much hipper than the diaper bag I have now that I wish I'd splurged months ago; then again it's probably much easier to convince D to carry a red canvas SkipHop bag than the "Paltrow" in plum.

Back At 'Er

The first few days back at work have begun since I am doing my training. I have now spent two full days away from LM. It's been easier and harder than I thought. I haven't missed him as much as I expected during the day - oh, sure there was that initial moment of panic when I was waiting in the lobby before the day started. I saw a pregnant woman, and you know how pregnant women have that sort of air of superiority about them? They have that look that says, sure, what you're doing is sort of important, but I'm generating LIFE here. Well, suddenly that pregnant woman I saw really intimated me, even though I haven't felt that way since I got pregnant myself. Without LM by my side I felt stripped down and insecure.

But mostly I've been fine; I haven't felt the need to dash back to see him on my lunch-break or to phone constantly. It's felt nice to be in the company of adults again.

The hardest part is when I get home, even though it's also the best part. LM is so thrilled to see me, and I love that. But I have no idea what he's done, when he slept, or whether he's eaten. His whole day is a mystery to me and as such his needs are too. Usually my day is based around the minutiae of his sleeping patterns. Suddenly I feel like only D knows what's going on and I suddenly need him to instruct me on all manner of things; but D's still in the habit of asking me if LM should eat, sleep et cetera, so together we're the blind leading the blind. I guess we'll get used to that and it won't feel so strange not to know every little thing he's been doing all day. That makes me a little sad though.

My other issue is LM's eating - he refuses the bottle all day while I am gone; today that meant he drank only a couple of ounces in almost 11 hours; he did get some solids down. I'll try fresh milk tomorrow as yesterday and today it was frozen stuff, carefully shipped out here with an ice-pack in my checked luggage. Frozen has never been an issue in the past, but perhaps he is refining his pallette. But if that doesn't work, I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I should just relax and just make sure there's lots of opportunity to feed before and after work; I guess he won't starve himself.

Pumping at work has been a challenge too - I'm using someone's office to do it, which is a little awkward. It's especially awkward when you accidentally don't seal that storage bag tightly enough and drip milk all over the occupant's address book... I've also got to wear mega pads to ensure no leakage as the only real opportunity to pump is at lunch and that's quite a long stretch for me. I come in with a padded B-cup and leave with a double D. I'm hoping there will be a better option at my own office, but there may not be since all our offices have glass that permits people to see into them. I may end up in ladies' room or something which will not be conducive to maintaining a bottle-a-day supply as I had hoped. But then if LM doesn't take the bottles I guess it's all moot anyway and maybe it's fine just to let my day supply go.

The Nightmare That is My Childcare Search

Well, I really set myself up for a slew of postings in my last missive, didn't I? Just think, in another few weeks I might even have to post about something unlrelated to babies, like, I don't know, work?

So today I'll cover daycares: I made the very dumb mistake of not putting LM on the lists for large group daycares as soon as I found I was pregnant; I guess I just thought, I don't know where we'll live, I know my mother will take him one day, so what's the point of paying for full-time care. Big mistake. Huge! Not that he'd be in any of them yet anyway - the lists are two years long, but at least it would be in the not-too distant future. I am now rectifying that because better late than never. I'm even calling daycares that have yet to be built and asking to be put on the waitlist there. Honestly, it's hilarious, I drive by construction sites and take down names and numbers. But realistically, LM won't get into any of them for at least a year, probably two.

So next up, licensed family childcare. These are in-home places that can have five to seven children; I assume with seven they need more than one staff person. Unlicensed care can only have two kids, so they don't even really advertise. I started calling the licensed family daycares a couple of weeks ago since everyone had told me that they run more last-minute, they don't do waitlists and they just sort of find out about spots opening up a month or so beforehand. That has proven true, and those that don't have a spot just advise me to call back the next week, (except the place that said they didn't have an opening until September 2010 - I guess they keep a waitlist.) So far I've called about 25 and only one has a place for him. Some that do have spots refuse him because they want an older child. So the one place that has room - I got an interview last week. You probably think that means I interview them. Right? Wrong. They interview me.

So I go to this interview. My personality is such that I tend to talk myself into the idea that something is going to be just fine. I always see the positive at first, then after quiet reflection, I realise, no, no, no, no, no. So I get to the daycare; the house is fairly rundown from outside, but that's okay. I let myself in the back door where the parking is. The kitchen is, to be kind, a pit. Newspapers and clutter piled up. I'm not talking messy (because honestly, my house is pretty messy), but seriously, worthy of some sort of TLC clean-up show; the cabinets are old and have holes in them. The play area is okay - LM immediately starts entertaining himself. There are toys EVERYWHERE, but they are in bins. She assures me she'd put away the smaller toys for him. The carpet is stained, but then what place with four kids under three wouldn't have a stained carpet?

The woman is quite nice; she's not exactly Albert Einstein and confuses some of the kids ages, forgets my name, but she seems relatively competent; she has her early childhood education degree; she's very caring; she's big on spending lots of time outside, which I want. She assures me she'd keep LM in her sights and close to her at all times, that I could call her for reassurance all I need and so on; the other children seem happy. She expounds on her philosophy of childcare and it all seems sensible and in keeping with my own.

So I'm trying to think positive and I call D with a decent report; then I go online and check out the inspection reports. She has SEVEN violations in the past two years, most of them hygiene related. Now one or two, I can understand; I know some of the stuff is kind of random. But to get seven you almost have to try. I start to process everything else and realise that in my desperation I'm lowering my standards way too much.

Then there's the information I sort of ignored until I had some time to process: There's a glass cabinet nearby that looks dangerous. She assures me she "almost" never has the TV on, but then her kid comes and asks to watch it (she says no - but if it's never on, why is he asking?) Some of the three year olds go play in the backyard alone. It's fenced, but still. The kitchen. The bathroom. The clutter. The yippy dog. The fact that the front door is on a busy street. Her husband is asleep in the master bedroom. Did I mention the kitchen? It's gross.

Based on my earlier positive report, D doesn't understand my about-face and wants to call her and ask about the inspection reports. I give him the go-ahead. So he calls and says "we're interested, just had a couple more questions." The kicker? She never calls us back! We got scooped on the $50 a day filthpile daycare!

So what's next? More phone calls. More e-mails. More responses to Craig's List ads. I get a "very interested" e-mail from a Scottish nanny whose ad I've responded to. Then she finds out our address and never writes back. She was looking for east-side and our neighbourhood is a nice east-side neighbourhood, so I can only assume it wasn't close enough to where she lives.

We've now also engaged a nanny agency - we pay them $700 to find us a nanny. They pre-screen for criminal checks and pre-interview and so on. We only pay if we hire through them, so we figured why not start the process so we have it as back-up if things get desperate. (Newsflash: they're desperate!) I may also put up an ad on Craig's List myself as well.

Anyway maybe it's good I have this project as otherwise I'd be too focussed on all the little details about LM's care and how sad it is that he'll be with someone else. At this stage I am too preoccupied with hoping that I won't have to have him in a pack'n'play in the corner of my office for the next six months. I'm guessing that'd affect my hireback.

So thanks Stephen Harper for your $100 a month in lieu of nationalised daycare. It's doing nothing for me right now. But am I wrong to think it just shouldn't be this hard?

Coming to a Close

I have, like, 75 half-written posts in my head. One is about sleep; I feel like I should update you on my totally schizophrenic attitudes about it. Another is about EC (elimination communication, aka infant potty training, or potty learning or whatever the PC term du jour is), which we don't really do, but we a little bit sort of do. Another is about the hellish time we're having trying to organise childcare and how I've called 20 daycares and only 1 has a potential spot and how no one is responding to my ads about nanny-sharing and how we're going to be totally broke if we hire a nanny solo but we may just end up doing it because I cannot leave him in a place that I am not 110% comfortable in, and crap, why didn't Paul Martin and his nationalised daycare plan get voted in?

But right now I can't write any of those posts - I'm too sad... I was just nursing LM down from his first wake-up; we had such a gorgeous day today hanging out in the park for about 5 hours chasing dogs and other babies and then having (me, not him) cold chai at this breastfeeding-friendly café near my new 'hood. When he woke up tonight he reached for me and melted into my arms and fell back asleep so quickly. As I was holding him, it hit me that soon I will be spending the majority of my waking hours (and his) away from him. I am going to miss him so very, very much. I've never been away from my little buddy for more than a few hours at a time, and it's going to be unbearably hard.

In a week or so we are headed to the Big City for a week of work training during which I'll be doing the 9-to-5. Then I have a few more weeks off before going back full-time. We decided that both he and D would come with me. D will work a bit from there and we'll have a nanny the rest of the time, and it will be a trial run of being away from LM for the whole day. It's sort of an expensive thing to do, but I felt like flying three thousand miles away for an entire week would be far too much of a shock for us both. Also, it turns out all of D's siblings will be in the City that week (his parents live nearby) , so we'll be having a big family reunion too. (Weirdly, D's parents have not offered to help us out with taking care of LM during that time - but that's probably yet another post - add it to the list.)

I just feel so lucky and blessed that I had this year with him. In planning my career trajectory, I think that I'll only take six months the second time we have a child and D will take the balance of the time. And in my head, I feel like that will be easier for some reason, with that second child, that I won't have the same powerful physical need to be close to him. But I'm probably fooling myself and it will be just as hard to leave that baby.

I really wish there was some other way to do it - some way to go part-time or to put it off just a little longer. But I'm not willing to make the huge trade-offs that doing that would require, at least not now. I really want to get to the end of the road I started on four years ago when I started law school - for a whole variety of reasons. And yet I am completely fulfilled by what I do being home and would happily do it for several more years if my work world didn't stigmatise people who take multi-year breaks from it. I just wish I could have both - be at home full-time and work. Clearly there need to be more hours in the day.

Childcare and Running Triumphs

Thanks for all the daycare advice and wisdom. So to elaborate a bit more, a nanny share is basically hiring a nanny to look after your child and also the child of another family. Some people also talk about nanny sharing as in you'd have the nanny 1/2 the time, and the other family 1/2 the time, thereby providing full-time employment, but the way we want to do it is to actually have the nanny take care of both children. Hence the need to find another family with a child of similar-ish age, and preferably living nearby. Most of my mommy friends aren't that close by or aren't planning full-time work.

I haven't totally ruled out putting him in an unlicensed daycare situation (licensed day care being far too difficult to get into), but I feel like a nanny will provide us with more flexibility. Also, he's pretty used to being attended to by one person so I'm not sure how a daycare would deal with his peccadilloes - I can't imagine him napping easily for example. Perhaps I am underestimating him and he'd adjust just fine. But regardless, the cost is surprisingly comparable and it is far more convenient, so I'm leaning towards nanny-sharing. I'll probably go through an agency or referral service to hire the nanny, or else rely on word of mouth. The advantage to the agency scenario is they guarantee you someone who will remain with you at least a year and I know my friend who has hired via Craig's List seems to have a rapid rate of turnover - but I'm glad to hear that can be successful, and I won't rule it out. Unfortunately (but logically) most people looking for work want to be hired fairly immediately, so scarily this part of the arrangement will have to be a bit more last-minute.

In other news, I ran my first half-marathon this weekend. I didn't have an amazing time, but I was able to run the entire 22.1 kilometres (doing 10s and 1s, as is my practice) without any unscheduled breaks, despite some rather nasty hills near the end. It was a tough course, but it was a lot of fun. An hour and a half into I was still feeling great, loving the scenery and the camaraderie of the other racers. A wave of nausea and fatigue hit me near the end, but a carbo gel pack (disgusting tasting) got me through and I hit the finish line with D and LM cheering me on. LM wasn't literally cheering of course, but he did like the medal I got and promptly grabbed it from me to put in his mouth.

In conclusion, I leave you with a photo. I was trying to capture his two new teeth; he wouldn't cooperate by opening his mouth at the appropriate angle, so I didn't get them, but I did get the lashes. Are they not insane?

Day Care

Grrr - for some weird reason Blogger ate one of my posts. Or at least failed to publish it. Now I'm looking like the derelict, not-even-weekly blogger!

I'm starting to freak a little about childcare for LM. There don't really seem to be any daycares in my new area (although admittedly, I haven't looked very hard), and there are some downtown but they are crazy hard to get into (read: you need to put your bébé on that waitlist before the pregnancy pee stick dries). I don't see any real advantage in having a kid in daycare that's not where I live or work, so nanny sharing seems like a good option. Now I just need to find a family in my area who wants to share.

I guess I should just put an ad on Craig's List or something but that just seems like a sketch-o-rama way to find childcare. I mean the people I've advertised to before can't even be bothered to show up and pay for the $20 bookshelves they swore they wanted over the phone, and I'm going to ask them to help me figure out daycare? Blah.

Dilemma

When I got pregnant, one my big regrets regarding the timing was that it meant that I'd have to turn down my clerkship. It was a really tough decision, and I still sort of lament it. Yesterday I got a call from the courts - apparently two clerks have left, one for family reasons, one for reasons unspecified, and as a result they are scrambling. The position was offered to me - to start ASAP, full-time, 9 to 5.

And it was interesting, because my immediate reaction wasn't "No." At the time I turned it down, I could have asked to come back after six months. But I didn't. And yet, a part of me thought - wouldn't it be wonderful to be back in the working world, doing a really interesting job. And I guess the thing is, I wanted the clerkship so badly. It was the focus of my whole second year of law school. And then I got it, and didn't do it. And here it was being offered again, which is totally unheard of. It was like all the stars were telling me I need to clerk!

But after mulling it over for an afternoon, I have decided not to take it. It would mean finding last-minute childcare for LM, cancelling my two trips, delaying my start date at my firm. And it wouldn't bring in much more money - maybe a couple hundred dollars extra a month - because by the time I finish paying for childcare, what's left won't be much more than what the government pays me to be on my year of maternity leave.

I'm sure LM would survive, even thrive, without me. I'm sure I'd enjoy the work. But I think I'd also look longingly out the window on a sunny July day and think, I could be hanging out in the wading pool with my guy, I could be going to music class or working in my garden. Work will always be there. But I can't get back this time.

And part of it is just about having confidence in my original decision. I don't want to a big fancy New York lawyer, or a well-known litigator. Work is important to me, and I want to have a career I love, but I have to have faith that I can get to that place through less traditional means. I need to define my own success - not adopt the definition from some law firm hiring committee.

I'm Bored, Therefore I Blog

BLAHHHH! Another day of mat leave - another evening spent alone reading blogs and playing online Scrabble while baby sleeps. Not sure if this has come across yet in my other posts (hah), but I really hate the fact that my husband works SOOOOO many hours!

You know what would be amazing? If I were on mat leave but I worked one day a week at a trendy clothing store; or maybe two half-days. Just enough to have intrigue and drama to talk about (because the owners and customers of this mythical trendy store would be very intriguing) but still loads of time for baby sign language classes and pushing the stroller in the sunshine while sipping a (dairy-free) frapo-mocha-tini. (I won't be insulted if that last sentence makes you throw up in your mouth a little - but I do love my baby sign.) Unfortunately childcare would cost me more than I could make in any trendy store, so that will remain a pipe dream. Imagine that - longing to work retail. Think of the discounts.

Anyway I may be off to bed since I am likely in for another long night - the wee man has bronchitis and his coughing wakes him often. And because he is thirsty or perhaps has a sore throat from the cough, he decides to wake me. I took him in last week but the random doctor at the walk-in clinic said "Oh, it's a cold." Um, yeah, I figured, but the kid coughed so hard he barfed and the nurse's line told me to bring him in. Sadly the walk-in doctor didn't spend enough time with us for me to express those concerns. After a quick once over with a cold stethoscope that made him cry, she just said "Steam him in the shower and feed him more often." The nurse's line made the exact same suggestions so I was super-happy to have bundled him up, driven to the clinic and waited in a room full of people much sicker than us. It's not that I wanted drugs - far from it - but another 30 seconds of reassurance and maybe some suggestions of what to watch for would have been nice. The clinic was not so busy that she couldn't have given that to a worried first-time mum.

And doesn't the "feed them more" advice seem silly? It assumes you don't demand feed - because if you're demand feeding you can't really feed them more since they eat whenever they're hungry. And since most doctors advocate demand feeding (at least that's the advice given to most of my IRL friends and chatroom buddies) shouldn't it be the baseline of normal? The advice should be "continue to demand feed." Which is what our family doctor said today at our four-month visit. (Yay!) She also diagnosed the bronchitis and spent a few minutes giving me advice on what to do and answering my questions. Now just hoping he recovers fast.

In other news - is this not the face of an angel? Don't you want to bury your face in that double chin?

Office Talk

Well after a very brief weekend away, a weekend spent lazing by a pool and sleeping tons, I am back at work. I am actually quite enjoying being there, which is good. I wasn't sure how I'd feel going back. Also, I wasn't sure what the reaction would be to me given that I am there for such a short time. But I have been busy and as long as I am busy I am happy.

It's definitely nice to have summered there and to be familiar with it. It all comes back quickly - the protocols on PDFing documents, the various software tools, the network bugaboos, the office personalities. It feels very familiar walking around there, as I guess it should. But it really feels like I never left. It's nice to know that I enjoy it even being so preoccupied with baby, because hopefully it means that when I go back in a year (and am doubtless even MORE preoccupied with baby) it will go well.

In my rare non-busy moments I am researching daycares and realising that we have to put ourselves on some waitlists; I keep saying that but never seem to get it done. We even have to pay non-refundable deposits for the privilege of being on such waitlists. The childcare system in this city is absolutely, horrifically brutal. We may end up paying for a nanny, which means that I will essentially be working for the sake of itself, with very little left to take home. Oh well, we shall manage. D just got a raise, so that should cover, oh 8 weeks of daycare. I will think positively and visualise us getting good childcare.

Speaking of which, I have found that visualisation/positive thinking is actually a really cool tool. I've been scanning "The Secret" lately, although it is totally not my kind of book. The other day I accidentally broke the stem of my orchid (they take forever to grow back), but I just believed it would heal - and oddly, it has! I've been trying it in other contexts too, and more often than not, if I really believe it, it does happen. Anyway, that's my new age thought of the day. Back to regular programming.

Bar Exams

Phew... done.

Money Matters

Okay, feeling a little less panicked. Not going sailing was the right decision. I am now only one exam away from being done.

In non-bar exam news, having a baby has made us get really serious about finances, and budgeting for absolutely everything. I've got a spreadsheet budgeting for absolutely every baby related purchase - even breast pads and diaper bags. I'm still trying to justify to D that we need the organic crib mattress. I have a cousin who died of SIDS, and that makes me a wee bit anxious about all the risk factors, though I have decided that the crazy SIDS monitors are not really useful and are probably just stress-inducing.

Anyway, in an effort to be financially responsible, I was just going over our mortgage statements. The prime interest rate has gone up yet again. We have lived in our condo for two years, and pay roughly $1600 a month into our mortgage ($1636 after the new rate increase). We put down a 20% downpayment. Of the remaining debt, we have paid off only $12,000 of principal in 24 months - the rest (more than half) is all interest! Isn't that depressing?

Factoring in condo fees and the exorbitant heating at our old place, it only costs us about $100 more to live here than it did to rent, so it's still a better deal. And our place has appreciated by quite a bit. But it's still kind of sad to see how much we pay the bank to live here. And of course I haven't factored in all the costs associated with buying, which go into the thousands when you consider lawyer's fees, inspections, painting, buying the odd piece of new furniture, moving. Wow.

Anyhow, I better get back to criminal procedure. And crib mattress shopping.

Uh Oh

Okay, freaking out doesn't begin to explain it. I'm getting my head around Estate Law, sort of, but Corporate Tax and Secured Interests are still a gigantic mystery. I am starting to realise that failure IS an option. Holy crap.

Countdown

It is now T minus less than one week until the bar. I am officially FREAKING OUT!!!! I have a lot of material yet to read, and then do practice exams. We all have all these assignments to hand in and they give them to us throughout, which means that a lot of time and prep goes into them, when I'd really prefer to have been focussing on the exams a little earlier. Too bad I never got around to filling out that feedback form.

Also, a few optimistic weeks ago I booked myself for an afternoon of sailing tomorrow - was that a dumb idea? I may have to cancel that. Then again, if I have days and days of studying ahead, maybe a few hours outdoors is what I need to keep myself on track. Ha - I can justify anything.

I am starting to tire again quite easily, so I find I need to sleep until 8:30 or so - not conducive to a full day of studying.

Now I Work Down at the Car Wash, Where All It Ever Does Is Rain

Studying for the bar in the summer officially sucks. It is 500 degrees out and I am stuck inside with only a fan poring over some lame exercise on a Saturday evening. It's not really that complicated, but the marking scheme is nit-picky and a wee bit arbitrary so it's causing me undue stress.

I don't think I've ever had a summer where I've had to study. I spent most of my childhood and teenage ones outside at summer camps, canoeing and camping. Then I worked some "real" jobs, many of which involved sitting in a windowless office. But at least at 5 p.m. I was ready to go and be on terrace somewhere. Even last year when I summered, I was usually home by 7. So I have never had to spend a July Saturday at 11 p.m. sitting in front of my laptop. That doesn't mean I haven't ever done it - but I've never been required to do it. Hopefully, I will not have to do it again (though I realise that may be a tad unrealistic given my career choice). There was a radio show broadcast from my summer camp this afternoon and it filled me with nostalgia.

Thank goodness I will be done in August and will not be required to bring home the stress of work with me.

Anyway, in far more exciting news, Lag Liv is having her baby, four weeks early!!!

Childcare and so on

I'm calling it a him now - I've been convinced for much of this pregnancy that we are having a girl, as I just felt very female vibes. D has been equally convinced of its maleness. But recently I have started to feel a very male vibe from it, and D has started referring to us (er... me) as "his girls." Anyway, we shall see. I have resisted buying any pink until now, but now that it's a boy (er, that I think it's a boy) I want to buy some pink to be truly egalitarian.

I've had friends ask me what we plan to do for childcare. The answer is - we have no idea. It is over a year away after all. But we do need to get on waitlists as daycare availability is abysmal here - waitlists are routinely a year or longer and people often register for waitlists right after conception!

All the lawyers I know have nannies - they say the hours are just too unpredictable for daycare. A couple of people have recommended that live-in help would be the way to go. When a partner at my firm suggested it, I almost said - you do remember what you pay me right? We live in a tiny apartment and are making a den into a nursery. We live in a town where half a million won't buy you a house within the city limits. Would the nanny live in our linen closet?

D and I combined make a great income that puts us statistically well above average. But my first year law salary, while completely respectable, is actually 50% less than I was making three years ago. After taxes, it would cover a nanny or a bigger place, but not both. If we do go the nanny route for my first year of work, we'll likely have less disposable income than when I'm on maternity leave. At least on mat leave I'll get EI and the EI will be more than the difference between what I'll make first year and what a nanny costs. I am excited about the career path I've chosen and all, but part of my desire to work does involve making some money at it.

It's all pretty sobering and makes you realise why women are so limited in non-conventional career choices. Anything where there may be extra or unpredictable hours involve a lot of expensive childcare options. While I know D will do his share, he works long hours as well. I hope we can both work something out so that we are both able to be more flexible and I'm really lucky to have a guy who's very dedicated to being 50/50. But I know that usually the one who ends up cutting back on hours and pay is the mother - and I can understand why that happens. He already makes so much more than I don't see myself catching up for at least 5 years. It's the reason we aren't splitting the parental leave 50/50 this time - we couldn't survive on what I'd make.

If I find it this hard, in one of the high-paying firms in a very lucrative profession, just imagine how hard it is for most women.

In Between Time

Wow - I've been done law school for almost five days. Pretty insane. It hasn't really sunk in yet, perhaps because I'm working part-time and doing loads of errands. I think it will really only hit me when September rolls around and I'm not headed to the bookstore to buy tonnes of books, or loading up on my back-to-school wardrobe. But then September will have another fine project, which will be nice. When I worked for four years, I always remember September as being a let-down - it felt like something should change, but it didn't. So it will be nice to have something happening.

It's nice to be past the halfway way mark in the pregnancy. A lot of my worrying has eased. I feel the little one fairly regularly now - pretty much every day, though some days are a lot quieter than others. There's something comforting about being only a few weeks away from potential viability, even though I know that babies born so early rarely survive and even if they do, often have terrible problems. But it feels nice to know they'd be able to try to help, and I think the worst part of having the miscarriage was just the helplessness of it - it just sort of happens and they can't do anything to stop it. I wouldn't say the miscarriage weighs on my mind in other ways though - was just a rite of passage I had to go through, albeit a sucky one.

Anyway this is my first free weekend and I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do. We went out this morning, but now I just want to be at home and rest - but there's no schoolwork I have to pretend to do. It's odd. Takes some getting used to. Anyway that will all change in a few weeks when I start the bar, so I guess I should enjoy it while I can.

Mysteries

All I can say, is that it's a really good thing I don't work full time these days. I do work a full day once a week - and it's brutal. I fell asleep there today - could barely keep my eyes open so I closed the door and laid my head on a big binder on my desk for a wee rest. My own snoring woke me up 20 minutes later. It's a very good thing there are no windows in my office.

I am someone who needs a lot of sleep at the best of times, but that really does take the cake.

We had our ultrasound yesterday and it was amazing. We kind of went back and forth on doing it at all, as many studies I've read said there are no real differences in outcomes when people have routine ultrasounds, or just when the doctor orders them for cause. But my midwife said that knowing about the heart, position of the placenta etc. might change what whether we did a home birth or not, so we went for it. I'm really glad that we did because it was really moving - I was tearing up the whole time to see those little hands and little feet and a big old head, and the thing just wiggling around in there.

Also, we had it done at the local women's hospital here, and they were truly lovely. They let D come in and watch the whole time, unlike at the private clinic where I've gone before. And also, they had a big TV monitor up so we could see everything and ask all kinds of questions.

We did not find out the sex; we didn't want to anyway, but the hospital also has a policy of not telling you until 24 weeks as that is the guideline of the College of Physicians here. Seems a bit patriarchal to me that they won't tell you about your own body, but apparently they believe there are sex-selected abortions. So I'm torn on how I feel about that since obviously that's a good reason not to tell - but I suspect those who really want to know just go elsewhere.

Anyway, we told the tech we didn't want to know, and she said if we didn't we should close our eyes at one point. I kept looking though, and I thought I saw boy parts (that is what D is sure we are having), but then again, I also thought that its abdomen was its head at one point. I suspect what I saw was actually the umbilical cord. For my untrained eyes, it was really hard to tell what much was without it being pointed out, other than the really obvious stuff, like hands when you could see all the wee bones in them. I admit I have looked at some ultrasound photos on pregnancy.com that say "I'm a boy!" or "I'm a girl" indicating that the photo is a picture of the requisite parts - but those were totally undiscernable to me as anything even human. So a mystery it remains, quite happily.

Pangs

I just called and turned down the clerkship. I told them I was pregnant. I am having some serious pangs. Part of it is just, what if I've turned down this amazing opportunity and something goes wrong between now and then? But all things happen for a reason, right? I am not meant to take it. Must remind myself that.

I have been having serious heart palpitations lately. Apparently it's a preggo thing, but my midwife seemed a bit concerned when I told her my pulse literally stopped for a second or two. "It's probably normal, but you might want to see your G.P., since it is your heart." My G.P. was very understanding and nice and told me that progesterone is an arrhythmic agent. good thing I'd done some Googling beforehand because I actually understood what that meant. I had some bloodwork to check thyroid and hemoglobin just in case; oh and I got an echocardiogram, "just as a baseline." But she assured me I was not about to drop dead of a heart attack, which is always nice to know. Since I got no call, I guess I'm all good.