Can't Think of a Title

Ugh, do you know how hard it is to be six months along, in full nesting stage, and to be in constant renovation mode? The reno we thought would be done by Christmas, then by February... it drags on and on. Since we moved in our living room has had no rug or any real decor because we've been waiting for the goddamn reno to end so that we can move our kitchen table into the kitchen and so I can rearrange our furniture.

I don't even want to talk about renovation costs and how far they have spiralled out of control. This reno is costing approximately double what we thought and I don't think we'd ever get that back if we sold. Which is fine, because we're not planning to sell, but it stings a little.

As for potty training, huge regression. It's annoying me. He's been doing great although he still has approximately one accident per day. But then, this weekend he has regressed insanely. Example: He sits on the potty, claims he doesn't have to go. I believe him since he peed on the floor about half an hour earlier. We go out for a nice walk. Once at our destination (a gorgeous cemetary a few blocks away) he pisses his pants, which ends our little sojourn since of course I have no change of clothes with me. Example #2: after his 2-hour nap I ask him to use the potty. He refuses. He's wearing a diaper (lesson learned after Example #1), so I offer a change. He refuses. Three hours later he's still in his pissy diaper and I have to pry it off him. Example #3, goes up to have bath. We ask him to sit on the potty. Have now resorted to bribery - a sticker chart, in which he is greatly interested. He looks at the potty, says he doesn't have to go. (Keep in mind he is already naked so it would be about zero effort). Then while we finish running bath, he darts off to the basement and pees on the sofa. AAGH!!! I know you are not supposed to get mad at them for accidents, but what do you do when you think he's actually deliberately doing it? So annoying. Especially since he does fine at daycare and never pees on her floor.

Also, my maternal hormones are in overdrive. Usually, when at work, I don't think about him that much, until we get close to the end of the day. I know he's in good hands and having fun, and my mind is mostly fully occupied with other things. But now, I miss him so intently. I wonder what he's doing. I worry about him. I can't wait to get home and snuggle him, even if he does stubbornly refuse to pee on the potty.

Moments

Things not to say:
You: This is the second time [client] has wound up in litigation over this type of clause. Not sure who they're getting to draft their agreements; hopefully it isn't us.
Partner: Actually, it was drafted in-house and I reviewed it before it went out.
You: .......... [try to remove foot from mouth]

Things other people shouldn't say:
Other Person: Are you getting that masque of pregnancy?
You: What do you mean? Like dark patches on my face?
OP: Yeah, right here [points under eyes]
You: Maybe. Or, maybe it's, um, just fatigue?

Things you forget:
How you spend the first half of pregnancy wishing you had a rounder, cuter belly, and the second half feeling unwieldy, having a tough time bending over and getting kicked in the spleen constantly.

Things that are cute:
How whenever LM passes gas in the bath he invariably says "Water come out my spout!" and giggles. No one taught him that, I swear.

Stuff

Okay, so I think my mother and I more or less made up. Neither of us completely admitted we were wrong, but we did apologise and I'm feeling better about things.

I'm feeling a little less anxious about the baby, especially since I realised that I was acting horribly anxious before the ultrasound news - this is just a different way to manifest the anxiety that was already there.

Also, D and I finally came up with a name that we both like! He had his heart set on one name, and me on another, and after trying to convince each other of various other third names, we abandoned them all and found something else we like.

In Little Man news, we are potty training. He's actually doing really amazingly well, and we have pees pretty much done, as long as we remind him every 2 hours or so. Poops are a different story, and after he pooped on the floor of a restaurant (yes, the FLOOR!) I'm resigning myself to pull-ups for the next little while when we are out, particularly in, er, an eating establishment. Thankfully there aren't very many people at our local dosa place on a Tuesday, so I'm fairly certain no one noticed, but still, I will not forget.

I love that little guy more than anything these days - he is so hilarious and fun and sweet.

Happy New Year

Cross your fingers that the worst is behind me - the two-week long headache I've had has finally subsided. I'm not perpetually exhausted - only marginally so. And I think given another couple of weeks I may graduate from slightly paunchy to cutely pregnant. Of course that means many of my pants (god - even my pajamas!) are getting a little tight as I tend to stockpile my extra pounds in my thighs and back - but it's all good!

This pregnancy has been extremely similar to my first; I also remember feeling much better as I got close to the halfway point. I had lots of headaches in trimester 2. And I gained weight the same way - lots in trimester 1. Also, weirdly, my leg hair has started becoming much more light and growing more slowly. I remember now that it was the same with LM.

A few things are different - one complicating factor in this pregnancy is that I am still breastfeeding. Yes, I am breastfeeding my 2-year old. I should do a whole entry on toddler breastfeeding at some point, but I can't really think coherently right now.

Another thing I don't recall from my first is being so anxious. Not about the baby, but about LM and D. I'm constantly worrying that something horrible has happened. D took LM outside on a ferry yesterday and my first thought was "don't hold him up near the railing or we could risk something like that Toronto airport incident." (warning - sad link). D looked at me and said "We're not even going close to the edge!" But things like that cross my mind about 10 times a day and I wish I could find a way to curb it. I know it goes beyond normal parental caution and is getting into the slightly paranoid.

In other news, New Year's resolutions; originally I thought I didn't really have any. It's not a year for big career goals. I just want a nice, healthy fat little baby and that's it. But on reflection one can always come up with a few areas for improvement:

-exercise at least twice a week (I was doing pretty well with this until the last couple of months - urrrgh.)
-start taking my lunch to work at least 2-3 times a week;
-cut back the spending a bit to save for the maternity leave
-get more adventuresome with my cooking

And for your viewing pleasure, LM:

Whining

I am feeling crappy and emotional today. The stupidest things have me teary. One - I was booted off my print station today. I was printing a whole bunch of legislation and one of the admin assistants complained or something, and now I've got to walk another 15 feet to a different printer. The issue is that I don't sit with the rest of my group, or I'm sure I wouldn't be asked to move. What I was doing was actually a critical and urgent task for a partner... who sits nowhere near me. This is office politics at it's most incredibly stupid, I realise, but I'm beyond peeved about it.

Second, LM hit me a couple of times today even after I asked him not to.

Third, my midwife booked my 20-week ultrasound at the stupid private clinic instead of the nice lovely hospital. I hate that place. They actually don't let your husband in for most of the ultrasound and the whole atmosphere is just so depressing. I got home and started thinking about it more, and had a cry. Assuming all is well, it will be the only other ultrasound I have this pregnancy, and I want to look forward to it. So after a few hormonal tears, I wrote the practice an e-mail to see if they can switch it to the hospital.

On the bright side, I settled a case today, which is good. And I heard the heartbeat of the baby - such a dainty little flutter. And maybe I won't bother working tonight and will go to bed early - that would be heaven.

Confession

Confession: Sometimes when I am putting away laundry I have to kiss those little train socks, or the little stripey sweaters.

Here he is, just jamming. Not sure what he was singing here. The best is when he prefaces it all by saying "I sing you couple my songs..."

Sickly Sweet

Holy mother of God, this pregnancy is kicking my ass. I started to feel a little nauseous last week, but then had such a dearth of symptoms that I was starting to think maybe the bean hadn't "stuck." That changed this weekend - there is actually a permanent divet on the sofa as I've barely moved off it all weekend. I have no appetite for anything at all. I did choke down some brunch this morning, but wasn't even able to finish that. Then I had a slice of pizza tonight, but the steamed broccoli made me gag. Ugh.

When does morning (aka all-day) sickness peak? Please tell me something like seven weeks. I'm not sure how I can function at work this way (let alone home).

Luckily LM was in a stellar mood today and was happy to entertain himself for much of the day playing with his puzzles and singing to himself. "Five little ducks" is on constantly in our house and he has a plastic guitar that he strums along with.

I dragged myself to yoga this morning, which I think was a good thing. When I got home at 9:30, there was a little boy standing in the kitchen watching for me. He was wearing nothing but a robot t-shirt and two rubber boots, each on the wrong foot. His hair was messy and he had a big dimpled smile for me. It was the sweetest moment of my day, possibly my week. I love that kid so much.

Plane Ride

I am going on a plane tomorrow - so much fun. I made the mistake of telling LM about the plane trip - "tomorrow we are going on an airplane!!!" Well, I forgot he doesn't fully grab the concept of future tense, and so he was devastated when we later pulled up at daycare. He burst into tears: "I want ride airplane!" Had to explain it was tomorrow - not sure he fully got that.

Last time we went on a plane, I did something awful. I was that woman. There was a horribly long line and I totally busted into it. Another woman called me on it. "The line starts back there..." she said. I said (oh yes I did) "Yeah, but I have a baby." And I kept on marching, feeling the burning holes in the back of my head. She probably hates all mothers now and thinks we're really that self-righteous. She probably even hates her own mother thanks to me. I could explain why I did it, why it really was important that we get through, but really, there's no excuse.

Anyway I am looking forward to my trip tomorrow!! I so need this little break.

Recent Travels

Good lord, I have been a lazy blogger recently. Mostly it's because we've been away like mad. Also, I feel quite constrained in writing about work. I know this blog is anonymous and all, but I always have it in the back of my mind that someone might stumble upon this, and I don't want them to find my musings about my place of employment, so that cuts out a lot of potentially humerous and amusing stories.

On a more serious note, I'm frustrated in some ways that I am still not sure what I want to be, where I want to go, or all that stuff. I am struggling with being at work full-time. D is not all that happy at his job and so we are thinking about transitions for him. Transition with a large mortgage is not always the comfortable place to be. I don't think I will personally make any changes any time in the next year; it's really too soon to know what I want. But I have some ideas cooking away.

In other news, I had the most mellow wonderful couple of weekends. The first was a very adult-oriented trip. We dragged LM around wine country. He was such a good sport, despite the mega long driving and the lack of toys. My in-laws asked how many toys I brought to entertain him.
"Um, well someone at the campground gave him a bus, and then he played with rocks a lot," was my lame reply.

But have no fear, the second weekend was all about the LM, with lots of feeding ducks, petting goats, visiting farms, swimming in warm, toddler pools and so on. Oh, and buffets. Buffets used to gross me out, but when travelling with a picky toddler who is wary of the unfamiliar it is sooooo amazing to have a wide variety of foods to offer.

Tonight we called my brother, who had been visiting and LM had this sort of conversation with him about the weekend, which was so neat. LM cried out "Pigs! Goats!" My brother was all "???" until I explained that a few days ago, LM saw pigs and goats at a farm. Then LM chimed in again "Feed ducks! NO Turkey!" I realise that doesn't sound mind-blowing when I retell it, but to me it was very cool, because after patting the ducks and goats (or as he calls it, being "nice" with them) LM was scared of the turkey and didn't want to feed it. I've never heard him recollect about something that happened so many days ago unless there was something around to trigger the memory - like if he was right next to the item or place. In this case he was just pulling it out of his head without any visual cues. It was lovely.

Observations at the Park

One of the things I love about LM is how completely un-shy he is. He has always been incredibly social; even as a baby, if he woke up in a room full of people he'd look around and smile and watch and smile again; he didn't necessarily want to be part of the action - but he loved watching it from my lap. If he woke up at home with just me, he'd be grumpy for half an hour.

Today I took him to play at the park. He boldly walked up to three older children who were tossing the gravel on a little table. He picked up his shovel and started shovelling away too, digging deep into the stones and tossing them with glee. They ignored him, but undeterred, he shovelled away. Later he just marched up the slide and went up and down it again and again, a smile on his face each time, his teddy bear in his lap. Later as he dragged his poor bear across the gravel pit, he approached another older child. The child was playing with a truck and LM was interested. The child said "You're just a baby! I'm going to TAKE YOUR BEAR with my truck!" He was probably worried LM was going to take his truck and wanted to scare him off. LM just blinked, shot him a grin, and headed up the slide again with bear.

I so admire that. I am not like that at all - I can be really socially nervous. I wouldn't say I'm shy, but I would never approach a stranger. However, that social anxiety has gotten about a million times better since I had LM. Now that I know I can take care of another human being full time, I care so much less what other people think. But it's still there.

I can't take full credit for LM's social butterfly tendencies as some aspects of personality are just innate. Who knows, maybe they'll even change. But I will take some credit. I think part of the reason he's not afraid to approach that child is because he knows I'm there for him if anything goes wrong. Even if some other kid is mean, he'll always have his mama. I'm not up there in his face, but I am there in the background, ready to spring into action if he needs me (or if he starts eating dirt).

The other day D said to me, isn't it awful to think that someday someone will be mean to LM? He remembered an incident from his own childhood where a bunch of kids tormented him after swimming class. But I can't worry about the inevitable - we can't protect him from all the mean and cruel people in the world. Our role is to be that sheltering home for him to come back to when they are mean. And just like he did today at the park once he got tired of it all, I hope he knows that he can always come collapse in our arms for a little while.

Down the Hatch

Too much works = really bad blogger.

One thing I did do recently was order a couple of parenting books. I kept hearing the words "No! Stop! Don't Do That!" come out of my mouth and it was getting depressing. One of the books is the Harvey Karp book about "Happiest Toddler on the Block." The other is "Talking So Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" or something like that. I haven't had much of a chance to get past the first chapters for the reasons above, but I am getting some good info.

Both books emphasis the importance of letting your child know you understand what they want. Tell them what they are wanting - and then deny! Seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? But the weird thing is it seems to work.

Sample conversation a week ago:
Me: Time to go inside.
LM: No.
Me: Yes, it's dinner time.
LM: NO!!
Me: One more minute, then time to go eat yummy dinner!
Me: Okay, time to go. Don't you want some pasta? You love pasta?
LM: (Squeaking) NOOOOOOOO!!!!! OUSSSIDE! OUSSIDE! (Tears, flailing etc.)

New method:
Me: Time to go inside.
LM: No.
Me: Yes, it's dinner time.
LM: NO!!
Me: You want to stay outside don't you? You love playing outside? You'd really like to be outside all night wouldn't you?
LM: Yeah!
Me: I know you love to play outside but we have to go in for dinner. Do you want some dinner?
LM: ... (Comes inside without too much protest)

I have no idea why it works, but it does! Who knew a 21 month old craved validation? I will admit, it feels kinda dorky at times. ("You love the bubble bath don't you? You love pouring Mummy's $30 bubble bath straight into the sink? Isn't it fun to see all those bubbles go down the drain? But baby, there's no Sephora in this 'hood, so we've got to save that stuff!") But I've defused a dozen tantrums, at least.

One of the Karp methods failed though - he suggests growling and clapping to get a child to stop doing something as opposed to yelling "NO!" which never seems to work. He claims it is extremely effective. But the growl didn't work for me - just made LM laugh devilishly and keep on shovelling rocks in his mouth. I'm pretty sure at least one of them went straight down the hatch too. I've been watching for its exit.

The Joys

There are some wonderful things about breastfeeding a toddler. But having him start referring to your, um, slightly more "endowed" side as "big mukmuk", is not one of them. Still, I couldn't help but laugh when he requested "big mukmuk" and then greeted it with "Hello big mukmuk!"

Mud

I recently bought a sand and water table for little man. It was the first GINORMOUS plastic toy we have bought, and I kind of have a love hate relationship with it. Note - that picture is not of LM - it's of some other impeccably dressed children who are cheerily playing together and NOT dumping any of the sand on the ground. Seriously, this photo must have been snapped about 30 seconds into the photoshoot. Also, whoever christened this toy did not have a toddler. If they did they would have known that the name "mud table" is far more apt.

Sleep - I got a nice comment recently thanking me for my sleep posts, which made me feel good, because most of the time I feel horribly delinquent after writing them. (I would link the commenter, but I don't believe his blog is being updated, unless he is posting elsewhere?) I have come to the sad conclusion that LM just does not need as much sleep as the average human. I know Weissbluth would vehemently deny such a possibility, and tell me all would be solved by LM just going to bed earlier. But I think I'm right. My dad was like that - he could wake at 4:30 and function wonderfully all day. My older brother was too, as an infant. I am most definitely not like that. I'd love to sleep 10 hours a day if I had the time. The last few nights he has "slept through the night", 9 to 5. What is that, like 8 hours of sleep? I shudder to think - both for his sake, and mine. After 5, he will go back to sleep but only with us. It's impossible to get him back down in his crib then. But we are reclaiming some sense of an evening, and some consecutive hours of sleep, which is nice.

Health scare - thank God it seems to be nothing, but will be monitored. Hooray! I take nothing for granted these days. Well, that's hyperbole. Almost everyone takes most things for granted. But I'm trying to take fewer things for granted.

Awake Is The New Sleep

I haven't blogged in a while about LM's sleep in a while, mainly because I've just stopped stressing about it. When we travelled in January, his days of sleeping through the night ended; then he got a terrible cold when he was back and actually either he or I have had a cold since that time. So he's been joining us in bed again, which I have been absolutely loving for the most part, especially when it means his first wake-up is around 1. When that happens I get those precious hours alone and then a wonderful snuggle. I love sleeping with his little head against mine and often wake to find him cuddled in my arms.

But now that wellness is here again, and those wake-ups are creeping earlier and earlier so that's he's up at 9, at 10 and then restless for a good portion of the night, I'm thinking it's time to do what the sleep consultant ordered again - aka back in the crib.

It was spur of the moment decision to do it again, because as I say, there are many things I love about him with us. But last night he just seemed ready. I went in the first time and told him to go back to sleep and without much protest he was sleep in 5 minutes. And then an hour later he called again, I went in, and he fell asleep again in 5 minutes. At around midnight he had a very long wake-up of an hour or so, most of which we spend whispering "Ssshhh" or patting his bum. He stayed awake but he didn't ever cry for more than a 30 seconds and he only once asked to nurse. He had one more wake-up at 3:30; that time I fed him and put him back to bed, since I didn't want him to have to go "cold turkey" and by that stage he was desperate to feed. Then he woke again at 5:45 and slept until 8:30 (I'm sure due to the fatigue of that long wake-up). Yes, five wake-ups - pretty par for the course although when he sleeps with us, I barely wake up myself. Anyway tonight is night 2 of the "method" and hopefully we have a mostly cry-free night again. I'm sure if I can cut out the night feeds, he'll stop waking up. I feel much better leaving him with a sitter when I know he'll actually go to sleep without a fight and stay asleep.

If there's one thing I'll know next time, the whole sleep thing is so fluid. I'm sure he'll have good months and bad months and times when he sleeps with us and times when he doesn't. And I'm okay with it changing if he's sick, I'm sick or whatever. Someday when he's 19 and sleeping until noon every weekend, I will occasionally think back on this time and laugh. I will also think with nostalgia of his warm little head burrowed into my neck.

LM at 19 months

So LM update - walking - he just takes off now!  Our backyard is not fully fenced so this is a real problem for us.  I doubt fencing is in the cards for this summer as we already have some major expenditures underway, but I may have to rethink that as I am constantly chasing him.

Also, he has a major obsession with stairs - going up 'em, down 'em, constantly.  "Ders! Ders!" Luckily we live in a bungalow so we only have stairs to the den in the basement.  His main use for those is standing at the top of them and throwing things down over the gate.  We figured out not to go after anything so we just say "Bye-bye" and wave at whatever object was hurled down towards the television.  He still throws things over but luckily he no longer tantrums if we don't go get them.  He's also constantly pining to go out the back door and go down the stairs there.  When we close the door, he'll do this silent scream and throw himself down on the ground.  About 10 seconds later this heartbreaking wail will emerge.  It's actually kind of funny, but also really sad, mainly because I remember what it's like to feel that frustrated (actually I still feel like that sometimes!).

Communication is good - he actually has tonnes of words and still signs a little bit.  He's very focussed on what belongs to whom, so is always telling me "Daddy dees" (Daddy's keys!)  "Mummy bike der!"  (Mummy's bike is there!) There are also the words we don't understand.  One sounds like baklava.  Another sounds like usheedo.  He says them to us over and over and we stare blankly and his little brow gets all furrowed, like he's thinking: What's with this woman and why won't she just let me usheedo?

He teases me too - like today when I was weeding I saw him drink out of the watering can... I said "Ick!  LM, ICK!" which he understands to mean "Don't put that in your mouth!"  So he looks at me, smiles and sticks his hand in again, then sucks on it with great gusto and says "Mmmmmm..."

Overtime

You know what I've come to realise?  I really don't mind putting in a couple of hours of work after LM goes down for bed.  Realistically, I'd otherwise be surfing the 'net or watching TV, so I don't feel like I missing out on living.  I'm not a productive baker, or seamstress at 9 p.m. but I can crank out a memo.  

I don't like working during naptime though - I need that downtime to either put my feet up myself or to do something productive, like garden.

And I really, really, really hate going into the office on the weekend.  Seeing LM's puzzled face  after our weekend morning routine (lazing in bed, some books and playing, pancakes for breakfast) as I wave bye-bye - it's the worst feeling in the world.  I thought about it all day and was racked with guilt, and annoyance at being away.  D said that LM had the best day ever, didn't ask for me at all, and was in a terrific mood.  Not sure that made me feel any better, honestly.  I can be away from him 5 days a week, no problem.  But make it six and it really starts to hurt. 

I'm pretty lucky as lawyers go as I don't have to do that very often.  But even once feels like too much.