He Won

So after the past several weeks of consistently getting LM to sleep in his crib, I am done. Last night he woke up as per usual; I comforted as per usual; I sat in the chair in his room shushing from just out of view, and I thought, this just is not working. I am sooooo sick of repeating "sleepytime" and waiting for him to fall asleep, and hearing him cry "mummy?????" I have been up for an hour and a half every night for the past month, except for two or three times where I was only up 20 minutes. So I got the Pack and Play and set it up in my room and threw him in it. (Aside, why do we call them Pack and Plays? Why can't we just admit they're playpens?) He howled for 20 minutes.)

Anyway, at 1 a.m. he was back in the bed and my weeks of consistency (aside from one slip up in late May) were out the window. He's got more stamina than me. He threw his skinny arms around me and buried his face in my neck and was sound asleep in minutes. And so was I, so much so that I slept for 35 minutes after the alarm went off at 6:30.

We'll try again in a few months. But for right now, we're done. Guess he wasn't ready yet after all.

Mud

I recently bought a sand and water table for little man. It was the first GINORMOUS plastic toy we have bought, and I kind of have a love hate relationship with it. Note - that picture is not of LM - it's of some other impeccably dressed children who are cheerily playing together and NOT dumping any of the sand on the ground. Seriously, this photo must have been snapped about 30 seconds into the photoshoot. Also, whoever christened this toy did not have a toddler. If they did they would have known that the name "mud table" is far more apt.

Sleep - I got a nice comment recently thanking me for my sleep posts, which made me feel good, because most of the time I feel horribly delinquent after writing them. (I would link the commenter, but I don't believe his blog is being updated, unless he is posting elsewhere?) I have come to the sad conclusion that LM just does not need as much sleep as the average human. I know Weissbluth would vehemently deny such a possibility, and tell me all would be solved by LM just going to bed earlier. But I think I'm right. My dad was like that - he could wake at 4:30 and function wonderfully all day. My older brother was too, as an infant. I am most definitely not like that. I'd love to sleep 10 hours a day if I had the time. The last few nights he has "slept through the night", 9 to 5. What is that, like 8 hours of sleep? I shudder to think - both for his sake, and mine. After 5, he will go back to sleep but only with us. It's impossible to get him back down in his crib then. But we are reclaiming some sense of an evening, and some consecutive hours of sleep, which is nice.

Health scare - thank God it seems to be nothing, but will be monitored. Hooray! I take nothing for granted these days. Well, that's hyperbole. Almost everyone takes most things for granted. But I'm trying to take fewer things for granted.

Boo Hoo

I really, really, really wanted to go to bed early tonight. But I can't because my g*ddamn toddler is still awake! The sleep thing is killing me. My attempt at "training" a few weeks ago worked to a degree. He is now no longer nursing/feeding all night. But he is super addicted to us and will not relent! Last night he woke up an hour after going to bed and screamed incessantly until I finally held him. When I thought he'd fallen back asleep I put him in the crib and he wailed again until finally we gave in and just went to bed. It was 10 o'clock.

D is out of town and I just want 10 minutes to kick back and the kid refuses to go to sleep in his crib. I started to lose my cool and actually raised my voice to him for the first time. He is now wailing in his crib and I am steaming out here. Why can't someone give me a goddamn break and let me have some sleep? No wonder I've been sick for the last 4 months.

I know I sound ungrateful. I love that little man more than anything. But I need to sleep!!!

Awake Is The New Sleep

I haven't blogged in a while about LM's sleep in a while, mainly because I've just stopped stressing about it. When we travelled in January, his days of sleeping through the night ended; then he got a terrible cold when he was back and actually either he or I have had a cold since that time. So he's been joining us in bed again, which I have been absolutely loving for the most part, especially when it means his first wake-up is around 1. When that happens I get those precious hours alone and then a wonderful snuggle. I love sleeping with his little head against mine and often wake to find him cuddled in my arms.

But now that wellness is here again, and those wake-ups are creeping earlier and earlier so that's he's up at 9, at 10 and then restless for a good portion of the night, I'm thinking it's time to do what the sleep consultant ordered again - aka back in the crib.

It was spur of the moment decision to do it again, because as I say, there are many things I love about him with us. But last night he just seemed ready. I went in the first time and told him to go back to sleep and without much protest he was sleep in 5 minutes. And then an hour later he called again, I went in, and he fell asleep again in 5 minutes. At around midnight he had a very long wake-up of an hour or so, most of which we spend whispering "Ssshhh" or patting his bum. He stayed awake but he didn't ever cry for more than a 30 seconds and he only once asked to nurse. He had one more wake-up at 3:30; that time I fed him and put him back to bed, since I didn't want him to have to go "cold turkey" and by that stage he was desperate to feed. Then he woke again at 5:45 and slept until 8:30 (I'm sure due to the fatigue of that long wake-up). Yes, five wake-ups - pretty par for the course although when he sleeps with us, I barely wake up myself. Anyway tonight is night 2 of the "method" and hopefully we have a mostly cry-free night again. I'm sure if I can cut out the night feeds, he'll stop waking up. I feel much better leaving him with a sitter when I know he'll actually go to sleep without a fight and stay asleep.

If there's one thing I'll know next time, the whole sleep thing is so fluid. I'm sure he'll have good months and bad months and times when he sleeps with us and times when he doesn't. And I'm okay with it changing if he's sick, I'm sick or whatever. Someday when he's 19 and sleeping until noon every weekend, I will occasionally think back on this time and laugh. I will also think with nostalgia of his warm little head burrowed into my neck.

Oh my god why won't he just go to sleep? We've all been horribly sick with a cold and the last few nights have been sheer hell with Little Man waking frequently and increasingly earlier; there have been hours of rocking and walking a sick little man who thrashes and yells in your arms. Today he woke at four a.m. He seems much better today but for some reason he still WILL NOT SLEEP despite being way overtired. And of course the demon cat thinks that means it's a great idea for her to start screeching her lungs out too. I finally had to leave the room because my being in there was Just.Not.Productive. Not helpful to be on the verge of yelling "Just f---ing lie down and close your eyes!" But I am so bloody tired and at the rate we've been going I expect he'll be up at three tomorrow morning.

In other news, anyone want to adopt an orange tabby? Just slightly portly, very cuddly and remarkably tolerant of tail-pulling. Or a 13-month old?

Puff Piece

I a currently being Bad Mummy - feeding LM pieces of my Clif Bar. I think having an older child is going to force me to improve my eating habits - now that he demands what I'm eating I can't very well have graham crackers for lunch. On the bright side, having a child who eats table food is also great. Yesterday I grabbed an impromptu sushi dinner and I hadn't packed any proper food for him but he happily munched away on gyoza and edamame beans. Mmmm.

Speaking of food, the naturopath is having me cut out dairy for LM as she thinks he might be allergic and that may be what's causing his cough/constant mucousyness. She hinted that wheat might also be a cause but we'll start with dairy. On the one hand, I am skeptical because with the exception of things like milk protein allergies and celiac disease, I find it hard to believe that so many of us are sensitive to things that have been staples of Western diet for so long. On the other hand, it's true that his cold/flus have been much worse since I started making yoghurt and cheese a major part of his diet. I'll try anything if it might help but I am going to have to get creative now in term in deciding what protein to feed him. I also have figure out something to do with all the frozen papaya-cottage cheese cubes and the cheesy chicken puree I made last weekend. Shit... I just realised Clif Bars "may contain" milk products.

And since you asked, the sleep stuff is going extremely well! The night before last he slept 10 hours straight in his crib... it was thrilling. Last night he regressed a bit and was up again three times, but was very easy to get back to sleep. The consultant had warned us that there would likely be regression on night four of the no nursing portion of our plan (weird, how did she know?) It's funny how you get greedy - initially I said "if we could just get him down to two night wakings." But now that he's done it, I'm all "when will he sleep through again???!" I do miss our nighttime cuddles, but we have a nice long skin-to-skin nursing session in the morning, which we never did before since he was snacking all night so that's a pretty good substitute.

The consultant also developed a schedule for me during the day to help him adjust to daycare since at daycare the kids take a long nap in the afternoon. Obviously the daycare provider will be flexible with LM since he's still small, but it would be easier if he gets on that schedule since they go out in the mornings. So right now I let him nap just a half-hour in the a.m. and then put him down for a longer nap in the afternoon. For the first time he is taking an afternoon nap that lasts more than 45 minutes.

I'm not sure he is entirely ready for such a short morning nap as he gets very tired and cranky. And if I'm out between 11 and 12 (prime errand time) and he happens to be in the stroller, the carrier or the car seat there's just no way to keep him awake, or even rouse him. But the afternoons are awesome and since it's my last week "off" I'm using my spare time not to clean up, do house stuff or sleep but rather to lazily watch dozens of episodes of Sex and the City. I bought them at the start of my meat leave when I assumed I'd have all this free time while he napped and played by himself (ha ha ha!)

Anyway I am even a teensy bit excited to go back to work - or at least to buy lots of glamourous office clothes and new lipstick! I can tell I'm not 100% in work mode quite yet though - I was looking at bags yesterday for work to carry papers/laptop and the one I ended up (this one, was much cheaper at the store than online) looks professional but also doubles as a diaper-bag complete with a wipes container, and wet bag. I was hesistant to get a purple bag since I have a red winter coat, but the salesgirl assured me that red and purple go really well together and in fact they "need to be worn together more often". So I pretty much had an obligation to buy it. It's so much hipper than the diaper bag I have now that I wish I'd splurged months ago; then again it's probably much easier to convince D to carry a red canvas SkipHop bag than the "Paltrow" in plum.

Night 2

We're now two days into our sleep training. Night one was just about making him stay in the crib all night. He was up seven times. Well, that's better than eight, right? He only nursed twice since D and I traded off going in and he didn't need to nurse the first time I went in, so that was okay.

Last night we started to reduce how much he is nursing, meaning he could only have two feeds (would have been three except he only had two feeds the night before so I jumped straight to two) of prescribed lengths; after that I removed him from the breast and handed him to D, which caused some protest, but not for very long. He was only up four times all night, so I call that some progress.

If there's one thing I've learned it's that it's much better to start training after some thought and reflection rather than in the spur of the moment because you're frustrated - that was most definitely part of my earlier problem. I also hate ther term training; I don't feel like I'm training him. And sleep learning sounds too, well, too much like I'm just trying to justify training...

In any case, I'm optimistic.

Remedies

Well we still haven't implemented our sleep plan because we're away on vacation (hence the lack of posts). It's wonderful - I'm listening to the rain right now and staring at the ocean mere metres away from my window. I think I may even have a glass of wine.

And miracle of miracles, LM's sleep has improved tremendously. I don't know if it's the sea air, the white noise machine, the darker room, the change of environment or what - but I'll take it! He's now taking a short morning nap and a nice long afternoon one, and sleeping a good four or five hours before his first wake-up. It's heavenly. So I'm hoping (and praying I don't jinx myself) that this all means that he is ready to go through the very gradual program we have planned for when we get back.

He's got another fever tonight. Perhaps it's my anxiety over going back to work, but it does worry me. Before we hired the sleep consultant I took him to a naturopath. It was partly because I figured maybe she'd have some suggestions and I could rule out any other causes of his sleep issues. But the main reason I went was because he has had a cough (one of several he's had in his life) for over a month and he has these wretched little fevers every couple of weeks. He's healthy and thriving in every other way and there doesn't appear to be any traditional medical cause, so I guess it's just a part of babyhood, but I do find it stressful. The naturopath gave me some fabulous diaper rash cream that works wonders and some supplements that appear to have cleared up the cradle cap he's had for months, but the cough is still there.

2.4

So we got the plan from the sleep consult*nt and I am so happy with it! It's very gradual and involves slowly weaning him of his feeds and slowly reducing our "involvement" in his sleep, so to speak. So it will take a while but I think it will work for our family. I am feeling so much better about my ability to follow-through and the trade-offs that it involves (i.e. him not in the bed anymore.) If it works, I'll be a very happy mama. We are on vacation, so we'll start when we get home, but right now I'm feeling really good about it.

Right now I am trying to enjoy my last 2.4 weeks of mat leave (but who's counting??) I was sitting next to a woman on the ferry the other day who has a very tiny baby - with those spidery fingers sort of aimlessly clawing at its face, and the tiny little ears and the wobbly head and furrowed brow and sleepy exaggerrated yawns. It looked so miniature, like a doll that they advertise in magazines, but just beautiful. I can't believe it was almost a year since LM was that tiny and fragile and dependent. And I can't believe it's already been almost a year!

Sleep Updates

Sleep has been a challenge in this household for many months. Little Man slept fantastically the first night we brought him home, waking only every 3 or four hours for the first several weeks. Looking back on it, it was bliss. Four months in, we had some major sleep regressing and basically it's been a roller-coaster ever since. There have been some times in there where LM has only woken two or three times a night (and by night I mean from the time I go to bed, not from the time he goes to bed) but there are still many, many nights when he is up seven, eight or nine times and in fact, in the last month that pattern has been more often than not. I don't think he's had a three-hour stretch since we moved.

It's not that I'm trying to make him conform to some idea of how he should sleep - when he wakes up he clearly needs to sleep more; he's tired, disoriented and crying, but he just can't seem to realise that he should just roll over, close his eyes, and wait a minute or two to see if he'll doze off again.

I've tried a variety of things over the past few months, and I've alternated between feeling very Zen and at peace with the fact that he's up all the time, and being extremely frustrated. I've tried to rid myself of my preconceptions about what I should or shouldn't do - I've become a sleep agnostic. I've read half a dozen books that are all over the spectrum, from Dr. Sears to Weissbluth. They all contain some good, and some terrible advice. A brief history of my efforts:

• at four months I tried a technique to get him to fall asleep in his crib; it worked wonderfully, but very temporarily and a month later he wouldn't go near the thing;

• at six months I tried to nightwean; we did get some longer stretches for a while, but it was an abbreviated success;

• at eight months I started to leave him to cry himself back to sleep if he woke up within three hours of falling back to sleep; it worked at reducing how often he woke up, but only for a short period and a month later he was back to being up every 20 minutes;
  

• at ten months we tried full-fledged CRY-IT-OUT with a capital C! Yes, the very same thing I said I was "vehemently opposed to" six months earlier. Well, at that time, I had a much smaller baby and the thought of letting him cry alone was repugnant, but after ten months of sleep deprivation, it starts to seem like a pretty good idea - if it works. I am still vehemently opposed to it in some ways. For one thing, I think it's over-used as a method; it is presented as a great choice to many people whose kids sleep just fine, only up once or twice, or who are still quite young. And everyone tries to justify it as if you are "teaching" your baby some new skill by doing it. Bullshit - I was doing it for myself, and you know what? That's okay! If you get your cure, I don't think there's anything (really) wrong with letting a kid fuss for a few nights. But the other misleading thing about the "CIO" method is that it is always presented as a miracle cure, and it's not. If it had worked for me, I'd be singing its praises - but I think it's important to realise it's not for all kids, especially not one as determined and opposed to sleeping as LM is. We were quite hardcore, and we let him cry for well over an hour more than once. I cringe to think about it now, but at the time I really could not go in that room - I was so damn frustrated that he was awake. But by night seven the kid was still crying for extended periods (not fussing - SCREAMING) and I was done. Sure, eventually he fell asleep, but we were all miserable in the meantime and he seemed even more upset and shaken by the time he woke up again. I don't regret doing it - at least now we know it's not for us and I don't think anyone suffered any permanent psychological damage as a result (except maybe our tenant).
  

So now we're back at square one. LM has his good nights - like tonight; he's only been up twice since he went down two and a half hours ago (yes, that's a good night). Other nights he can be up almost every 20 minutes; he can have awake periods in the middle of the night for an hour where he won't tolerate being left alone; he can be up at 8:30 one day and 5:30 the next. And he never naps more than 45 minutes but wakes up cranky.

In a perfect world, I'd love to just keep meeting his needs - rocking him back to sleep, nursing him down, patting his little bum for ten minutes at a time. And if it worked consistently, maybe I would. But as it is, I am just so over this whole sleep-deprivation thing. Every night is a new and different challenge and it stresses me out more than any other aspect of parenting. So I've hired a sleep consult*nt. We've exchanged lots of information, and I'll be having a chat with her tomorrow on the phone.

I'm nervous - not about whether there will be crying; undoubtedly there will be a little, but honestly, there's a lot of crying about sleep these days despite all our efforts to make it positive and wonderful. I am anxious about my ability to be consistent - I know she doesn't think any sort of co-sleeping is compatible with her methods. I don't fully buy that aspect of sleep myself - I think it's normal and natural to share a bed with someone. But I'm also not opposed to him sleeping alone if it means that we are all sleeping better. Up until now, giving up the option of having him in the bed wasn't a sacrifice I was willing to make. But I think I am ready now - I'll be back at work so our daytime naps together won't happen anyway. And I like having my bed to myself in the evenings. Besides, I'm sure the occasional morning snuggle or weekend family snooze will be fine once he is sleeping better. But basically, I just want someone to tell me what to do. I'm tired (literally) of trying to figure it out myself.

I'm not sure when we will implement - we have a little more summer travel to do, so we may wait until that's over. But I don't want to wait too long as I want to have it established before I head back to work permanently.

Does anyone else have a baby who sleeps like this? Because I don't know anyone else who does; I have friends who still struggle with sleep - their child is up two or three times. But nine or ten? It's crazy. Anyway, if you have ANY sleep advice, I'd love to hear it. I'm curious about what has worked for you.

Sleep Challenges

Yet more sleep challenges in the Grass is Greener household. LM's stretches are actually getting longer and more and more he is up only twice between the time we go to bed and wake up. Absolutely heavenly. However, he has become more and more dependent on me for sleep. In the morning, we nap together - a luxury I love. We started it partly because I love the sleep and partly because he won't really nap otherwise, not for more than 20 minutes or so. But the moment I get up and creep away, his eyes whip open. That's not a real problem per se, but how does he know?

And one thing that always went right, or we thought, was bedtime. He always nodded off nicely to sleep after nursing him. Sure, he might be up an hour later, but with a few jiggles, a rock, maybe a nurse, he'd be back down. Now he just refuses to go to sleep in the first place. Instead of being a sweet, sleepy bundle as I place him in the crib, he's a live wire jumping and kicking his legs and smiling. And the second I leave the room there are screams that make my fillings rattle. At first we figured maybe he just wasn't tired - after all his schedule has been out of whack with all our travel, so we let him stay up. But then he did it again, and again. And he's clearly tired, rubbing his eyes, getting cranky and so on. But he just does not want to fall asleep in a room that we're not in. And yet, I treasure my evenings - I need them to keep some semblance of self and sanity. I really do not want my baby still awake at 9 p.m. So blah to that.

You know what's kind of hilarious? I think I may have to become the world's first co-sleeping cry-it-outer. You would think a child who has such positive associations with sleep - nestling into his mother's arms, nursing on demand, cuddled up all warm and cosy - wouldn't fight it so damn much.

Same Topic

I was at the doctor's today and she seemed to think that waking every two hours was completely normal. I guess that's reassuring. Apparently her children were up and feeding every two hours until 18 months. On the one hand, it's nice to know he's normal. On the other hand, wow. Another year of this sounds really, really tiring, especially when I head back to work in a few months. It was a good reminder that he has perfectly valid reasons for wanting to nurse other than food; I just hope he exercises that desire a little less frequently.

Anyway, I'm probably totally jinxing myself, but I do think my little plan may be working a little. We went out last night to a rock concert, and LM slept from 8 until we went got home around midnight. My mother was just thrilled at what an "angel" he'd been. And after that I got another four and a half hour stretch - that hasn't happened in months! Wouldn't you know it, I was awake for the last hour of it, wondering how long he'd go... And I still got a little cuddle in the bed for a couple of hours in the morning too.

I promise to TRY not to make my next post about sleep. Really.

Judgy McJudgermom

I decided I need to cut back on night feedings - no more than every five hours, at least until he starts sleeping some longer stretches. It is, I postulate, the only way I am ever going to get some sleep. My baby loves to nurse, and does not seem to think he can get to sleep any other way. The breaking point was when we had several nights in a row where he was up every single hour. I can no longer function like that.

So I have decided to stop trying to stop worrying about whether I am the perfect parent, or what the books say I should do. I know I am a good and extremely loving mother. I also know that what I'm doing is motivated in self-interest - LM is happy and thriving having a little nosh every hour and waking me to do it. But he is six months and nearing 20 lbs and I don't think it's unreasonable for me to put my own need for a few straight hours of sleep before his hourly need for comfort.

So the past few nights have involved a lot of crying. Some his, some mine. He is still in our room, and we do what we can to comfort him, whether it's picking him up, patting him, or simply being there. It doesn't always work, but it makes me feel better about it. I'm not following any particular method, I'm just doing what feels right.

My goals are not particularly lofty - I'd just like him to get some consistent three-hour stretches. Hopefully once he gets used to sleeping longer stretches we can go back to feeding on demand as we face the challenges of teething, colds and so on. I have to admit I've really grown to love having him in the bed, despite the fact that I sort of pretend that it's an inconvenience. But I don't see how he will ever stop eating so much while he's in there and so close to the "fridge" as D lovingly calls it, so for now, he is in his crib.

It's funny, I'm very confident in my parenting skills and I have a lot of faith in my instincts. I can't picture anyone else doing a better job with my little man. But I'm so self-conscious about parenting too. I want to be a certain type of parent - the kind they feature in La Leche League magazine or in the Teresa Pitman articles in the magazines at my doctor's office. I want to be, as Dooce would say, the valedictorian of parenting. I hated to admit in my last post that I let my kid cry for 10 minutes even though I think (I KNOW) in the circumstances it was completely understandable and did absolutely zero lasting harm.

It's so weird, I don't think I've ever been like this about anything else... I'm a leftist, but I don't agree with all leftist ideology; I'm a feminist, but I sympathise with both liberal and radical schools; I've never been in the "cool" group at school, but sometimes I was friends with them. I have no idea why I'm so hung-up on fitting into some book's idea of the perfect parent when I myself don't even think that the same parenting style is going to work for every parent or every baby. I guess it's because there's so much guilt involved in parenting, and so much judgment and I've always hated being judged. And maybe it's because I can be judgmental about parenting too, even though I'm usually not a particularly judgy person.

Anyhow, somehow this post about LM's sleep turned into a post about me. But I'm sure you're fine with that as y'all know you are going to be getting more sleep posts in the future! Betcha can't wait!

LM is so hard to get to sleep these days. For a while he did well falling asleep for naps with a little patented technique I like to call Baby Bum CPR. But lately that is not working and I came in the other night after being at a community meeting to find a very harried D bouncing him on the ball... apparently he'd been doing it for over an hour. Ugh.

I must admit that despite my earlier posturing, I tried another round of letting him cry in the crib. I was desperate. I feel like I spend half my day convincing him to go down. However I just don't think it works with his personality as he becomes so worked up. So I have made an agreement with him not to do it again. I will let him fuss for a few minutes to see if he goes back down, but no more crying.

He was doing his refusing to sleep again today despite copious eye-rubbing and extreme crankiness. He even refused the breast, which is very unlike him. There is a reason the kid went from below average at birth rather enormous. So I whipped out my wrap and strapped him to my chest. He fussed getting in but then peacefully blew raspberries into my neck and all of sudden just closed his eyes and slept. Feels pretty awesome that all he really needs to soothe him is a big old snuggle with me. Sometimes being a mother makes me feel like I have superpowers.

In other news I have been volunteering for a community organisation that is going through a hiring process for a part-time paid position funded through a municipal grant. The spouse of a board member applied for the position. Okay. Fair enough. But it gets worse. That person also got an interview although only 4 of 80 applicants did, despite a much less qualified resume. And the applicant's spouse was involved in the hiring process - interviewing the other candidates! So when I discovered all these things I had a mini-freakout and started spouting about conflict of interest. Then the people around the table started asking "where do the candidates live? How old are they?" Um, hello people - you can't decide based on that! Human rights legislation anyone? We are a registered society and are dealing with public funds. I think I convinced them that they cannot hire this spouse, but if they decide they will despite my protest I will have to resign.

Battle of Wills

I remember when I was 8 or so months pregnant, I told D very seriously that I wanted the baby in our room for at least 6 weeks. HAAAA ha ha ha HHAAA ha ha ha HAAAAA ha ha HAAA. (*Wipes tears from eyes.*) Little did I know that we'd be nearing the six month mark and the kid would still be NOWHERE near close to sleeping through the night and nowhere near close to being out of our room. He goes down in his crib fine at bedtime and I keep telling myself, someday, he'll just sleep in there all the way until morning!

It didn't happen last night though - he went down at 7 and woke at 9. I was burnt out from a long and rather fussy day and I asked D to deal with it. LM often wakes at 9, but usually goes down again with just a little pat. But not last night. D spent an hour on the exercise ball before he gave up and I gave him the almighty boob. I'd been sitting in an inch of water (my attempt at a relaxing bath aborted because the water running keeps him up) the whole time thinking "I am NOT going to do it..." I knew the breast would probably work, but I just really wanted a few hours off. I should know that once I let myself think I am entering into a battle of wills, I lose every single time. I have already lost. But I finally gave in and he went down. He was up again at 1. And 3. And up for the day at quarter-to-five. Oh, and yes that is a typical night for us. Yay.

No one else I know seems to be having the same sort of sleep problems with their baby. It makes me feel like such a freak. On my bad days, I wonder how could I do be doing it so wrong? What did I do so that his sleep is actually worse than it was when he was a newborn? But on my good days I do know it's him, and not me, and I remind myself that my next baby is going to be an AWESOME sleeper.

Another Thought

After a weekend of trying to get excited about places that are well over half a mil, yet are all, in real estate speak "in need of TLC" and are in far distant parts of town, I've had another thought - the joint buy. That's right, buying a place with an in-law suite that we co-own with my mother. She'd rent out her part until she's more doddering and ready to downsize and live in it. In the meantime we'd rent it out. I'm actually pretty excited about the idea, and importantly, so is D. Oh, and of course my mother.

It will probably take longer to find the right place, but we could get a lot more. I'm not too worried about personal space - if anything, it would likely be my mother who would have to set boundaries on us. She's very sensitive to not 'intruding'. I guess the only wrinkle would be if D and I decided we didn't want to be in this city any more, or if she did. But I suppose by buying a place in the first place we are committing to being here for a while, and the way real estate is around here we'd stand to make some money even if we had to sell in five years. The demand here is so high that I don't see a crash happening - and even if there was a crash, it doesn't matter if your money is invested in a small single family home, or a larger one with a suite. So what do you think? Would you ever do it?

I'm watching the View right now while LM naps, and I just can't believe Whoopi is doing LA Weight Loss commercials. The commercials are so damn cheap looking. Speaking of naps, all my smugness about LM's sleep lately? It's gotten pretty bad again. Naps are working all right though there was a brief interlude where he stopped napping too. He was actually in a perfectly fine mood during that stint - but I almost went out of my mind - entertaining a baby for 12 hours a day is exhausting. That's improved again, but he is up SOOOO often at night. It's quite incredible. I keep reminding myself - everything is a phase!

Flux

Well after my awesome (and long!) sleep post the other day I had a horrendous night last night - every two hours. Lots of dairy + cold + teeth possibly = very bad night. Anyway, I remain optimistic about tonight and am now back off the dairy.

When I was in law school I was so active in all this law-related volunteer stuff. Gave legal advice to low income folks, attended lectures on cases, participated in a women's law group. Now I get e-mails on this stuff and I just DO NOT care at all even one tiny little bit. It all seems so abstract and divorced from reality. It irritates me when it arrives in my inbox. Hoping that feeling fades.

To follow up on my earlier post I will say that I do remain optimistic that the perfect career is out there for me. I hope it's not super-far-removed from where I am right now, but I am going to try to stop stressing about it and trust that if I don't love what I'm doing once I start doing it again, I have the power to change it. I may surprise myself.

D worked a god-awful number of hours last week and barely saw LM (or moi.) Was quite bad. And I am tired of microwave dinners alone. He was planning to go down to four days a week after I go back to work, but now we're wondering if he should do it now. It would mean 20% less pay, which is scary. But you can't buy back this time either. I don't know, I don't know. It will be his decision.

His place of employ is staffed mainly by men. The partners don't see their families all week and are often away on weekends. When they do have a night off they play rugby with the guys from work... it's hard in that environment to request more family time - it's like an implicit insult to the choices they've made. But I just wonder what their wives get out of a relationship like that? The big house in the right part of town, the 2.4 kids in private school, the vacations to Dominican, but no time with your husband? I want more from my marriage - I want my husband. And I don't want to give up that kind of time either.

Sleep Strategies

Sleep is such a polarising issue with parents. Everyone has an opinion. Just today my dentist, completely unsolicited, told me that Ferberizing his kids was the way to go - best decision ever. His hygienist even wrote the name of the book down for me. And "How he's sleeping?" is always the first question people ask. I ask it too... it's just one of those dumb things you say when you can't think of anything else to ask about.

Anyway, I decided early that I wouldn't try to worry about getting Little Man sleeping through the night because it's normal for them to wake a lot and parenting doesn't end at bedtime and all that other rhetoric. Nonetheless, at three months I found myself a little sleep-obsessed when LM was getting up almost every hour, or every two. And he was refusing to nap except in our arms. And he screamed every time we put him near his crib and could only get him to fall asleep in our bed with us in it. That's okay at night, but not exactly safe during the day.

His schedule was approximately this: wake at seven-thirty, be up for the day with a few catnaps here and there - in the carrier, the car seat, on me; occasionally he'd nap in his crib if we put him there after he fell asleep but he'd wake after 20 minutes. Then to bed at 7:30 where I nursed him to sleep. He'd then wake frequently between then and my bedtime. For a while it worked to just comfort him, but after a while he wouldn't calm down unless I nursed him again. That habit was starting to get trying because it meant D couldn't put him back to sleep.

So I decided to try and figure out some options. It seems like there are two major schools of sleep and anyone on a mom's message board will give you one of two pieces of advice: "Let 'em cry" or "Do whatever it takes - you're the one who signed up for this job." After scraping my car against a stationary post, collapsing in tears a couple of times, and just feeling utterly exhausted I decided sleep deprivation is not conducive to good parenting so "whatever it takes" just wasn't working. One day I was so frustrated I just left the room and let him cry for 15 minutes while I stood in the shower, drowning out his cries. It seems pretty silly in retrospect, but when you're so incredibly tired, these molehills become mountains. I resented him for not "letting" me have a break. Which is ridiculous. When I realised that, I decided a little sleep strategising was a whole lot better than the status quo.

I figured I'd start with naps, and hope the rest followed. I tried a technique I found on a website called "Pick-Up/Put-D*wn". I must admit I think it originates in the Baby Wh1sperer, a book I'm not overly fond of because it says by Day 2 or 3 you should put baby on a schedule and quit demand feeding. I can only imagine that approach leads to major supply issues if you are breastfeeding. Despite those origins, I was desperate for at least a nice three-hour stretch at night and maybe a little downtime during the day so I decided to try it.

The "technique" was this: put him in the crib, when he cries (which in LM's case happened almost before you put him down), pick him up. When he stops, put him down again. (Note: I think the "technique" only works if by picking them up you can get them to stop within a relatively short period of time.) If you read the rationale in the Baby Wh1sperer for doing this, it's really annoying: something about how you should meet your baby's need but do no more. Luckily I didn't read that before trying, but to me it did seem to be a reasonable way to get him to understand that the crib is safe, mummy comes when you need her, but it's okay to sleep there.

So I tried the "method": picking up and putting down for 40 minutes. The minute I lowered him in the crib, he'd cry. I'd rub him and say "Sleepytime!" Then when he didn't stop, I'd pick him up again. The picking up did calm him and eventually he was so tired he'd doze off in my arms. When he did that I'd put him down again. Finally he relented, and fell asleep in the crib. For 20 minutes. Still, better than nothing.

Day 1, Nap 2: We did it again, and it was another 30 minutes of up and down; he fell asleep. At night I did my usual routine and put him in our bed since I decided only to do the crib thing when I could afford to be consistent, and I wasn't committing to consistency at 3 a.m.

Day 2, Nap 1: He settles in crib without a fuss. He slept for 45 minutes. Knock me over with a feather. Nap 2: Minor fussing, some pick-ups, some put-downs, he finally settles in about 5 minutes.

Blah blah blah - 2 weeks later, he settles in his crib pretty easily for all naps - 3 to 4 a day which range from 40 minutes to two hours (sometimes with a nursing break in between). There has been some back-tracking, like when he won't settle for 5 or 6 minutes. But that's just SOOO much better than the 45 minutes D and I used to have to spend rocking him only to have him wake up the minute we put him down. If I "catch" him early enough he'll just drift off with just a few pats on the tummy.

As for nights, as I suspected, more sleep in the day has led to better nighttimes. All babies have light sleep cycles, and I think whenever LM stirred, instead of just dozing off again he became freaked out that I wasn't there. So he'd demand to nurse. He always slept better in the bed with me, as opposed to the bed or crib alone, which backs up this theory. But since he got used to falling asleep in the crib, he doesn't need to nurse each and every time he enters a new sleep cycle and generally only "calls" me when he is hungry - which means occasionally I even get a 5-hour stretch. I also did a little detective work on those wakings and realised some of them were gas-related. A daily dose of probiotics has helped that problem quite a bit.

So that's my story... despite or perhaps because of nearly falling into the "crying-it-out" trap, I'm still vehemently opposed to the traditional "letting him cry." There was some crying involved in the method (though depending on the temperament of your baby there might not be - LM has always been quick to cry.) But I'd like to think it was a lot less traumatic since he was being comforted through it all. The idea of walking away from a crying baby is still pretty repugnant to me. After all, I trained him to fall asleep in my arms and to need to be close to me. And I don't regret that one bit - I love nursing him to sleep and I love occasionally having him in the bed and I still do both. But there are ways, that will probably be different for different babies, of diversifying your get-to-sleep options.

My copy of "No-Cry Sleep Solution" came into the library this week; some of my ideas were gleaned from that website so I'm hoping reading the book will help me deal with future issues as they arise. I'm sure this isn't the last sleep post I'll write, but I hope it's the last one for a little while.

Mysteries

Someone told me that if something about baby's habits are troublesome, just wait 2 weeks because they'll have changed. So far it's proven true and I try to remind myself that when I'm annoyed something isn't going the way I hoped.

Today LM was sitting in his carseat grabbing and playing with a hanging toy and attempting to put it into his mouth. He entertained himself for a good 15 minutes! Hallelujah. He also took a nap today - and I wrote 10 Christmas cards. Yay me. I attempted to get him in the crib, but that was a failure. He really does not nap anywhere but on me, in the carrier, or in the car. We recently moved the crib into our room as he is too big for his bassinette. I can occasionally get him in there after he's in a deep sleep; he may or may not consent to being returned there after his late-night feed. I think I need to cave and buy some sort of plastic mobile that lights up and shrieks tinny music to help him enjoy the crib more. He pretty much screams every time he is laid down in it - so not a lot of positive association going on there. Any recommendations on crib entertainment?

Recently the car seat has been a big hit and he has had some long stretches in there after coming home. So I put him to sleep in there this morning for a nap - it's nice because it rocks so I can rock him to sleep and then tiptoe away. He even woke up cooing and smiling, which was exceedingly pleasant. I was told at the baby store that the recommendation is not to have them at a 45 degree angle for more than 45 minutes, but hell, I gotta do what works and carrying a 15-pound baby around all day isn't working so much these days. He is a big guy, especially considering he started out so average-sized. Today I put the car seat in the crib - a happy medium?

He has been fairly decent about waking only two to three times in 12 hours, but last night he was up seven, yes SEVEN times. The three-month mark is only a week away, so I am figuring it's the three-month growth spurt. I am promised big changes at three months. I guess the thing I am most excited about, more than sleep, more than crawling, or talking, or the Nobel Peace Prize (which I'm sure is in his future!) is the ability to play. I find it very satisfying to watch him entertained by something, be it a toy or another person, and I'll find it even more satisfying when it lasts for more than 5-minute spurts.

Speaking of which, I am seriously considering buying some of those made-for-baby DVDs. I swore I'd NEVER do such a thing, but we have inadvertently discovered that TV entertains him, and I'm sure whatever is on those DVDs beats Law and Order Special Victims Unit, which was on while I was eating dinner last night. And given D's 12-hour days, I could really use those 20 minutes to shower, or god-forbid, blowdry my hair, which has been in a permanent state of rat's nest since LM was born. I know all the literature says not to use TV as a babysitter - that when the TV is on, you should be there "participating", but if I had time to participate, the TV wouldn't be on in the first place! Bring on the boob-tube babysitter.

Tired Blather

Man - funny how a busy week is now busy not because of papers due or memos pending. Now my day can be made or broken depending on whether one little person has sinus congestion or not. Funnier still, I don't mind.

I will say one thing that has been tough lately is the length of D's hours. He is normally gone, for 12 hours a day. He leaves before 7 and is back a little after 7. That means morning to night, baby care is my job. I get him up in the morning and put him down at night. I deal with every scream in between (of which there are a great many). But I get all the smiles in between too. Usually D is home in time for bath and bedtime routine, but the very last part of the day is me because LM is still nursing to sleep.

I don't know what the point of that paragraph is. I should probably make one
but I'm too tired right now: LM was up at 6 this morning with congestion and he's still up at least twice a night. I guess the point of this post is that I'm happy, but tired, and occasionally a little sad that D isn't around more - but we're working on that.

On Sleep and Other Things

There are a few things that people told me before I had a baby that I didn't fully understand - like how much I would love Little Man, or how sort of labour-intensive it is looking after a little baby. It's true he doesn't do a whole lot, but the few things he does need - mostly feeding, burping and cuddling, take up way more time than one would think. And when he is quiet for a nice long stretch, I have to keep checking on him!

Then there are the things no one tells you - like what the pain of labour feels like, how worrisome the tiny things that are that can happen to a newborn, and how different colours of poop become discussion topics between you and your partner. But maybe those are things I wouldn't have believed even if I'd been told.

On the list of things I wish someone had told me: breastmilk stains! I wore a couple of t-shirts to sleep in, comfy, favourite t-shirts, and taking them out of the wash, I see that they still have the telltale rings on the chest from late night leakage or something. So note to others who may still be looking ahead to this adventure - wear that nursing bra to sleep in!

As for Little Man, things are going really well. His cheeks are getting fat. D and I are figuring out how much we can get done in a day, and mostly we are just enjoying him immensely. Most people complain or commiserate about the sleep deprivation aspect of this age, but so far that has not been too major an issue. There have been a couple of nights where he just doesn't want to seem to settle down, but most nights he wakes, mewls a little bit, I feed him, burp him, feed him again, and he settles back in for the night. I have him next to my bed, so I don't even have to get up, and I stay in bed the next morning until 9 or 10. I figure this way I'm still getting my needed 7 or 8 hours, even on the nights when he's particularly alert. If he's really fussy, I might wake D to change him, or wrap him, or just to take over for a bit, but mostly I just handle the nighttime and D is on daytime duty.

I have a friend who passed me copies of the Baby Whisperer and has asked me whether LM is sleeping well yet. I don't really anticipate him sleeping for long stretches for a while, and in fact, the midwives told me to wake him if he goes more than 4 hours. But it's funny how there's this pressure. I don't want to admit our bedtime routine because I know she'd think we're spoiling him by having him in our room (and occasionally in our bed), even though it's the routine that absolutely works best for us and I am much more well-rested than I'd be if I had to get up and go into another room every time he fussed (not to mention, I'd probably wake to check on him, just cause I am a bit anxious.)

I just remember her telling me how "Eat-Activity-Sleep-You Time" (the routine suggested by the Whisperer) works for ALL babies. But funnily enough, it doesn't work for us because LM is quite a prodigious vomiter and if he gets too jostled or moved after a feed (i.e. if we do an "activity" like a diaper change) all my hard work ends up on a receiving blanket, or on me, or in his bassinette. So it's more like Eat-Sleep-Me Time-Eat-Sleep-Burp-Sleep-Activity-Eat-etc. and that's working out just fine.