Moments

Things not to say:
You: This is the second time [client] has wound up in litigation over this type of clause. Not sure who they're getting to draft their agreements; hopefully it isn't us.
Partner: Actually, it was drafted in-house and I reviewed it before it went out.
You: .......... [try to remove foot from mouth]

Things other people shouldn't say:
Other Person: Are you getting that masque of pregnancy?
You: What do you mean? Like dark patches on my face?
OP: Yeah, right here [points under eyes]
You: Maybe. Or, maybe it's, um, just fatigue?

Things you forget:
How you spend the first half of pregnancy wishing you had a rounder, cuter belly, and the second half feeling unwieldy, having a tough time bending over and getting kicked in the spleen constantly.

Things that are cute:
How whenever LM passes gas in the bath he invariably says "Water come out my spout!" and giggles. No one taught him that, I swear.

5 Things

Must be pregnancy hormones or something, but I am feeling so appreciative for all the wonderful things in my life. In no particular order, they include:

#1 My adorable baby boy who does something charming and lovely every day - last Friday it was running into my bedroom with a tiny bouquet of flowers; "Fo' you Mama! And Daddy got a BIG flowers!!!" Tonight it was giving me a kiss and then telling me "You feel better now. Let's cuddle." And yes, two is hard, and I struggle with discipline, and occasionally he hits me in frustration, or pulls my hair, or throws himself to the ground and licks the floor of the bus while horrified passengers try not to stare. Sometimes he does all those things at the same time. But 98.9% of the time he is the sweetest, dearest, cuddle-monster who loves to do "art" to read books, to tell me about his day, and even, begrudgingly, to share. And that more than makes up for the other 1.1% of the time.




#2 My city. I am the least jingoistic person ever, but I got all teary-eyed several times today staring at the hand-painted signs in the window of every third house cheering "Go Canada Go!" I've read the Guardian's cynical criticisms (they called it the worst games ever). I won't bother linking because frankly, the article was silly, and I won't bother linking to the Canadian media response because it's been either overly defensive, or too apologetic. There have been hiccups, and even tragedy. But even as someone who normally feels completely detached from these sorts of events, there is something so electric about being here. About thousands of people from different countries coming together, celebrating and trying to each other a little bit about each other. Everywhere you go tourists and locals alike are wearing red Canada mittens. Strangers offer to help you fold up your stroller on packed city transit, and O.P.P. officers in town for just a few weeks help you carry your sleeping child up the stairs of the convention centre so you can have a glance at the flame. As LM would say "I so proud."














#3 My wonderful husband - who patiently explains to me the intricacies of curling rules and regulations and answers my 800 spaced out and repetitive questions, and then makes me dinner afterwards.














#4 The little one inside me who kicks and pounds and reminds me all is well. Sometimes I can even feel her bony little back against my tummy and I push her and she pushes back.



#5 My little boy again - who dashes out of the bathroom after Daddy has given his bath, drops his towel and yells "Mama! You like n@ked boys!" Which is funny because when I give him his bath I always tell him I like naked b@bies. (I censor that only because I'd hate to think what kind of bizarre Google searches it might attract.) And then he jumps up on my lap for a cuddle. Heaven.

Genetic Counselling

We met with the genetic counsellors today. You know what's awkward? Running into a former colleague who consults for the the health authority, and who was all "Hey, how are you? What are you guys up to?" as you're fidgeting under the big sign that says MEDICAL GENETICS.

In the counselling section, they have two waiting rooms. One for the families with all the little babies, many of whom are presumably affected with the things being screened. And there's one for the pregnant women being counselled on, among other things, the possibility of termination (that's the elephant in the room during these consultations.)

Very, very mercifully they had received the results of our serum testing in time for the consultation. We were told it "screened" negative at 1/3100. This is probably familiar territory to most of my readers (all 6 of you! Ha ha) who have been through this recently, but the screening is not diagnostic. It gives you a probability. In our case, anything higher than 1/350 is deemed a "positive" screen. Most, but not all women carrying Down Syndrome babies will screen positive. Many, many people who are carrying healthy babies will also screen positive. Anyway, if you're screened positive you're offered amniocentesis which can give you a definitive result. The reason not all women are offered amnio (aside from costs, obviously) is that it has some risks for the fetus.

The screening test is not perfect: some Down Syndrome babies (we were told 22%) screen negative. But when you look at the math, it's highly likely percentage-wise that if you screened negative, that you are indeed negative, and not having a DS baby. So we breathed a HUGE sigh of relief knowing we were negative.

The markers were still a concern, and they discussed those with us. In the counsellor's opinion, it was still appropriate to offer us an amnio given the fact that there are two markers, so I assume that they feel that two markers brings us closer to the 1/350 mark which is the usual amnio cut-off. However, there is no real research to give us an accurate number of what our two particular markers mean.

And if you want, they will discuss termination - apparently, you can terminate for chromosomal abnormalities up to 24 weeks. Amnio results take 2-3 weeks because it involves them culturing cells and growing them. (See the problem here?). But you can get preliminary results in 72 hours.

So the next question, given all this information, is why have the amnio? In our case, we had pretty much decided that we would not be terminating a fetus at the gestational age we are currently at (22 weeks, plus whatever time it takes to get the amnio booked and get the results and schedule the termination). I think it's a very personal decision, and I understand why people would make a different one. But in our particular situation, I don't think that's a choice we'd make. So if we get the amnio, it would be more for peace of mind, or to "prepare" ourselves.

Part of my is tempted to know for sure, one way or the other. If our screen had been positive, I would definitely want to know. But right now, I feel like the chances this baby has DS are very, very, low. And there are lots of good indicators - for one thing, she's big and DS babies are usually small. And her femur length and nuchal fold (other, imperfect "soft" markers) are good. And there's nothing structurally wrong at all.

On balance, I think going through the procedure and waiting for the results would likely increase my stress level for quite a while. And then I'd worry about miscarriage. And of course, the worst case scenario is that I have the amnio, the results are negative, and I end up somehow damaging a healthy fetus. Finally, I don't believe that knowing in advance would really prepare me if she does in fact have DS. So although I've given myself a day to consider this, we're fairly certain we will not do the amnio. They also confirmed that a home birth is still a possibility, even if our baby was a "confirmed" Down Syndrome baby, so I don't feel I need the information for that reason.

Overall, we both feel confident that this is a healthy baby and we're going to proceed on that assumption.

I know I sound pretty calm and rational, but I have had a lot of anger this week too. I'm angry at the process. It seems kind of fucked to me that some radiologist sitting in a room can write something like "multiple markers of aneuploidy" and never get to see the mother's face when she reads those words. I know the reports aren't written with the expectation they'll be read by patients, but isn't that kind of fucked too? I will never meet that doctor or be able to ask him any questions about how he came to that conclusion; no one can answer the question about how confident he is in the measurements he found, or how often he sees this. I'm left dealing with the middlemen and the generalists.

The kidney measurement, by the way, was 0.4 mm outside of normal. Seriously. I have friends who have been told that their babies are going to weigh 10lb when measured by ultrasound and they come out weighing 7 lb, yet this guy is making a finding based on a measurement of 0.4mm. And maybe that's completely legitimate and highly accurate, but how am I supposed to feel confident in that finding when I can't ever ask any questions of the only person who actually understands how it is you measure these things? I probably would never even know it was only 0.4mm off normal except that I specifically asked to receive a copy of the report.

I also think these soft markers are slighty bogus science. Yes, they do mean an increase in Down's. And it is still a possibility that our baby has Down Syndrome and these markers, in retrospect, will have been a good clue. But overall they're a pretty piss-poor predictor. No one can tell me how many healthy babies have these two particular markers, versus how many Down's babies do. If they're going to use these to make recommendations, shouldn't there be some more information about that?

I will say the one thing I'm not angry about it is the care I got from the individuals I actually dealt with. I got a half hour conversation with someone explaining the results, I got faxed the report (at my request), and I then got a 45-minute meeting with the midwife and a one-hour counselling session. I feel that, ultimately, I've been taken good care of and that, based on the limited knowledge we have, I've been given all the relevant information.

And I'm repeating my mantra: Baby is happy, healthy and strong and growing just as she should.

NB: Edited a wee bit for clarity.

Waiting for More News

Didn't mean to leave you all hanging like that. At this point, I don't have much new information. I had my appointment with the midwife, who said the major concern is Down's Syndrome because if it were something like Trisomy 18, we'd likely be seeing major structural abnormalities "incompatible with life." I'm not sure it was the most reassuring meeting, as I would have liked to hear her say unprompted: "Don't worry, we see this ALL the time and it's almost always nothing." But I didn't really get that, although she did say that sometimes they see these things and it turns out okay.

On Monday I will go to see the medical genetics counsellor and hopefully that person can give me a bit more insight into what this all means. I am still awaiting the results of my quad screen, so I'm not sure I'll have them in time for that appointment, which is unfortunate. But I'll be able to talk about possibilities, and depending on how the quad screen comes back and what the counsellor says, I will make a decision about amniocentesis, which is the only way to have a definitive answer about all of this.

I've also been talking to people in real life and on message boards and have gathered lots stories in which ultrasounds were wrong. I spent an evening poring over medical journals. There was a big meta-analysis of studies on "soft" Down's markers done in the Journal of the American Medical Association which states that they're really not a very good indicator in isolation. However, most of the studies make statements about it being a better indicator when there is more than one. On the bright side, it appears that the two markers we have are among the least worrisome, at least in isolation.

Emotionally, this week has been really, really tough. Looking back, it's been a fairly crappy year I've had- my aunt's death from breast cancer, my uncle dying in his apartment, dealing with all the family drama around my aunt's estate, D trying to find a new job in this recessionary economy, me waiting to hear back about being hired on at the firm. Still, this week has by far been the most stressful, tearful, sleepless one I've had. At times, I've convinced myself the child definitely has Down's. I stare at her ultrasound picture and try to see if she does. For several days I winced when she kicked or punched me, because it was a reminder of what was going on; I've been trying to block it out by working and sleeping lots. At times, I've wished this whole pregnancy away.

It's not that I have any doubts about my ability to love a child with Down syndrome. I volunteered with special needs kindergarten for a year, and I absolutely loved every minute of it. I know I would and could. It's the adult I worry about - the one who will be dependent on me for life, financially and emotionally. And the health concerns and costs. And dealing with a female child with an intellectual disability, who will vulnerable to being taken advantage of, terrifies me. It's funny, if something happened to LM and he was dependent on me, I'm prepared to be 100%, 200% there. But I don't even know this baby yet, and rightly or wrongly, I feel like this is not what I signed up for. Of course, neither did she.

But as the week has gone on, I am feeling more positive. I've actually FINALLY hit the part of my pregnancy where I don't feel sick and tired constantly. And I'm trying to put negative thoughts out of my head and send her positive ones when I feel her little punches and rolls. I try to repeat the mantra that my baby is happy and healthy and growing exactly as she should. And if she does have a disability, Down's or other, well I guess we will deal with it. But I'm not embarrassed to admit that I really, really, REALLY hope she doesn't.

Another, Less Fun, Ultrasound Update

So the hospital sent over the ultrasound report today, and I got a phone call. Not good.

Apparently, there are "multiple aneuploidy markers" including "fetal pyelectasis" and an "echogenic focus on the fetal heart." Which translates to, soft markers for chromosomal abnormalities, including kidney enlargement and some sort of spot on the heart. I am really trying not to freak out. If it was just the kidneys, or just the heart, I think I'd be fine with everything, but the fact that it's both is a little worrying and now I am waiting for the referral to a medical genetics counsellor.

I am kind of surprised nothing was said at the actual ultrasound - I assumed they would. Now I feel like a dolt for making a huge announcement to my family about having a girl. I mean, I still am having a girl, but well, you know. I might have saved that news for a couple of weeks from now when I have some additional reassurance (I hope.)

I didn't do the genetic blood testing for this very reason - did not want to worry myself over something I have no control over. A 13-week nuchal ultrasound is not offered here to women under 40, so that was not an option. But now I have a requisition to go do some bloodwork tomorrow, which I am sort of torn about. Will it change anything? Basically, would it help me worry less? If result come back abnormal, would we do an amnio? I'm not sure we would at this point anyway. But I'm hoping it will be reassuring.

On the other hand, if there are abnormalities, that may change my care, and my plans for a home birth, so I guess more information is always better.

D was awesome. He called me and said "Our little girl is still our little girl. We won't love her any less." Which puts things in perspective. I needed to hear that. I do genuinely believe in a right to choose, and if I found out my child has Trisomy-18 or something that is always fatal, I would definitely consider termination. I'm not sure that's the route I'd go, but I'd talk it over. But unless I were 100% certain it was something like that, I don't think I'd do anything that would put a potentially healthy, or partly healthy baby at risk. Anyway I'm not going to think about that now as that is about 50 million miles away from where we are now. Trying to think positive and not about highly unlikely scenarios. It still could very possibly mean nothing at all, and I'm trying to focus my energy on that thought.

I am so weak

First of all, let me say I am very, very weak. I caved at the ultrasound appointment. Normally our hospital won't even tell you the sex, and definitely not before 20 weeks. But then the tech asked if we want to know. And we weren't 20 weeks along, but she said since we were 19 weeks, 6 days, it was fine, she'd tell us. And then we never saw anything during the measurements, so we assumed it was a bust, but she offered to spend an extra few minutes looking at the end of the appointment.

And after much hand-wringing and coin-tossing, we said "Oh fine. Tell us!!" (Well, I said it. D was much, much stronger. And as a condition, he made me promise not to tell a soul, well, except for the secret blog.)

And so...
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bring on the Suri Cruise high heels and the PRINCESS GEAR!!! She's a SHE!

We were both there in a bit of shock, and we slightly regretted finding out, because the surprise would have been so amazing. And also, because it makes watching LM so much more poignant. I may never have another 2-year old delicious little boy. And it's a bit of a shift in identity, because I sort of see myself as a mother of a boy and I really like that identity. But I've got a grin a mile wide. A girl!!!! How delightful and wonderful and new. And it makes me even more nervous about about everything turning out okay. She seems like a real person now.

Oh, and I'm just kidding about the princess gear and the Suri Cruise heels. My daughter won't wear heels until she's at LEAST four. Wink. Wink.

Now, to think of a name.

Bad Dreams and Good Dreams

Had a terrible nightmare this morning that I was bleeding and bleeding. There were all these people at my house and I kept yelling at them to leave, and I couldn't find the midwife's number anywhere and D was ignoring me. Then I realised it was just a dream and I woke up. Only I was still dreaming, and in the second dream I was still bleeding and increasingly frantic at D. There were more people at the house and they just wouldn't leave. I finally found the midwife's number, but couldn't make it out. Then I woke up for real and immediately ran to the bathroom where everything was fine.

I had another, more pleasant dream a week or so ago in which the baby was a boy. When I woke up I immediately knew his name, and have secretly been calling it that ever since.

The little beetle started kicking on Christmas Day. I'm pretty sure I felt it before then, but I was not 100% sure. It's funny, last time I felt it earlier despite an anterior placenta. But this time it came later, even though I suspect my placenta is in it's normal spot. (My belly was ALWAYS lopsided on one side last time, no matter how baby was positioned, and I'm convinced that was the placenta.) Anyway since then kicky monster has been giving me lots of little nudges, which I adore.

You know what annoys me? How many people assume I would prefer if it were a girl. I told my father-in-law that I thought it was a boy and he said something like "But I'm sure you'd be happier if it wasn't." Huh?

With my first pregnancy I was convinced LM was a girl, and I was a little surprised to see all those boy bits. But I never regretted his boyness or wished he was a girl. Frankly, at a toddler age, there may be some differences between boys and girls, but also a lot of variability in personality. Aside from the fact that no one gives me pink clothing, I don't think it makes a huge difference right now. There are girls at LM's daycare far more rambunctious than he is. And while he adores trucks/trains and transportation, so do many girls I know. Obviously this difference will enhance as he gets older, and there are no doubt advantages and disadvantages on either side. But I have two brothers, D is one of three boys, my father was one of four boys. I'm very comfortable with boys and quite thrilled to have another one, or two.

On a pregnancy message board I'm on, so many of the women talk about hoping for a girl. And they always have such dumb reasons, like "the clothes for girls are so much cuter." Frankly, I'm quite happy to bypass the Suri Cruise high heels and the princess gear. And while boys clothes can be annoying (think exploding snowboarders or race cars splashed across everything) there's plenty of cute stuff too. Not that shopping selection is a reason to wish for either gender - I'm not even sure why I'm talking about clothes, except that the gendered nature of baby clothes is a pet peeve of mine.

All this to say - I love my little guy and am fairly convinced I'm having another. That said, I'm not placing too much stock in my hunch given how wrong I was last time. After my bleeding dream, I'm just hoping that on my big ultrasound next week I see a nice, active, healthy little baby. And we won't be asking about the sex.

Happy New Year

Cross your fingers that the worst is behind me - the two-week long headache I've had has finally subsided. I'm not perpetually exhausted - only marginally so. And I think given another couple of weeks I may graduate from slightly paunchy to cutely pregnant. Of course that means many of my pants (god - even my pajamas!) are getting a little tight as I tend to stockpile my extra pounds in my thighs and back - but it's all good!

This pregnancy has been extremely similar to my first; I also remember feeling much better as I got close to the halfway point. I had lots of headaches in trimester 2. And I gained weight the same way - lots in trimester 1. Also, weirdly, my leg hair has started becoming much more light and growing more slowly. I remember now that it was the same with LM.

A few things are different - one complicating factor in this pregnancy is that I am still breastfeeding. Yes, I am breastfeeding my 2-year old. I should do a whole entry on toddler breastfeeding at some point, but I can't really think coherently right now.

Another thing I don't recall from my first is being so anxious. Not about the baby, but about LM and D. I'm constantly worrying that something horrible has happened. D took LM outside on a ferry yesterday and my first thought was "don't hold him up near the railing or we could risk something like that Toronto airport incident." (warning - sad link). D looked at me and said "We're not even going close to the edge!" But things like that cross my mind about 10 times a day and I wish I could find a way to curb it. I know it goes beyond normal parental caution and is getting into the slightly paranoid.

In other news, New Year's resolutions; originally I thought I didn't really have any. It's not a year for big career goals. I just want a nice, healthy fat little baby and that's it. But on reflection one can always come up with a few areas for improvement:

-exercise at least twice a week (I was doing pretty well with this until the last couple of months - urrrgh.)
-start taking my lunch to work at least 2-3 times a week;
-cut back the spending a bit to save for the maternity leave
-get more adventuresome with my cooking

And for your viewing pleasure, LM:

Happy Days

Love love love the delicious smell of Christmas baking filling the house. Love love love new cleaning lady who is not completely insane. (Note to self: do not hire people over Craig's list without conducting extensive reference check.) Love love love new hot water dispenser in kitchen. Tea!! On demand!!! Love love love that I no longer feel nauseous and queasy (now 15 weeks for anyone who's counting.)

Not so thrilled that I still feel completely and utterly exhausted. Every day at 2:15 I hit a wall. If I'm at work, it requires coffee and generally means a huge loss of productivity. Keep in mind this is coming from someone who went through all of law school's late nights, including a pregnancy, with nary a cup. If I'm at home, it means a nap that lasts approximately 2.5 hours until I (a) am awoken by a toddler who can no longer keep himself away, or (b) rouse myself out of guilt. The other day I came home at 3 as I was not busy. There were renovaters in my kitchen. Renovating. Moving large pieces of equipment. Sawing pieces of tile. My kitchen is approximately 10 feet from my bedroom door since I live in a bungalow. I crawled into bed and fell asleep. Didn't even hear them leave.

I organised a "sponsor a family" event for Christmas this year; did the same last year. I dropped off our bundle of presents this year in person to a woman, single mother, my age with 4 children. The five of them live in a space about 1/2 the size of our (small!) bungalow. Kinda puts it in perspective, doesn't it? Wow.

Whining

I am feeling crappy and emotional today. The stupidest things have me teary. One - I was booted off my print station today. I was printing a whole bunch of legislation and one of the admin assistants complained or something, and now I've got to walk another 15 feet to a different printer. The issue is that I don't sit with the rest of my group, or I'm sure I wouldn't be asked to move. What I was doing was actually a critical and urgent task for a partner... who sits nowhere near me. This is office politics at it's most incredibly stupid, I realise, but I'm beyond peeved about it.

Second, LM hit me a couple of times today even after I asked him not to.

Third, my midwife booked my 20-week ultrasound at the stupid private clinic instead of the nice lovely hospital. I hate that place. They actually don't let your husband in for most of the ultrasound and the whole atmosphere is just so depressing. I got home and started thinking about it more, and had a cry. Assuming all is well, it will be the only other ultrasound I have this pregnancy, and I want to look forward to it. So after a few hormonal tears, I wrote the practice an e-mail to see if they can switch it to the hospital.

On the bright side, I settled a case today, which is good. And I heard the heartbeat of the baby - such a dainty little flutter. And maybe I won't bother working tonight and will go to bed early - that would be heaven.

Ultrasound Update

The ultrasound went well - I am actually measuring a little farther ahead than I thought, which is cool. Not because I want this any sooner, but mainly because it means our baby was probably conceived in NYC which is kind of neat.

On a side note, all the online calculators gave me one date, which makes sense. According to my best guess, I figured baby was conceived on a Thurs, period started on Thurs and due date would be Thurs. I gave my midwife all those dates and she gave me a Sunday due date and said I was three days less along than I thought. After thinking about it, I chose to ignore that completely and figured I would explain why that must be wrong at the next appointment. For one thing, it would have meant I got a positive pregnancy test 8 days after conception which cannot be. Anyway the ultrasound confirms that her date can't be right, so I'm happy about that. It sucks to think you are much less farther along than you think you are.

The ultrasound was solely for dating, but we did get a good look and it was a very bouncy little bean, moving around, kicking its little frog legs and moving its pointy little chin.

I've also told work now, and while I won't say the reaction was one of unbridled joy for my overall happiness (in fact I believe someone said, "Again?") I'm sure they'll adjust.

Milestones

Bad bad blogger. Pregnancy does that though - if I can be, I'm asleep 10 seconds after LM is, so no real time to blog.

Speaking of sleep, we moved LM to a big boy bed a couple of weeks ago and it has been so amazing... I really think he just absolutely hated being confined in the crib. The funny thing is, he doesn't even get out of the bed on his own except in the morning; he just calls us when he needs us. So that's been a huge bonus. And he is now taking naps that are 2-3 hours long and waking only once in the night. I keep wondering why I didn't do this sooner, but then you never know what effect it would have had at what time.

We have our first ultrasound tomorrow - just a dating one but I'm excited even though we have to go the weird ultrasound clinic that doesn't let your husband sit with you for the first 10 minutes. I don't get that policy at all - it's so unfriendly! But I digress - assuming all goes well, we will be breaking the news to my mother afterwards, so that should be fun.

Second Time Pregnancy

Being pregnant for the second time is very different from the first. I must admit, I am not feeling very invested in this pregnancy yet. Either I feel wretched and glued to the sofa, or I feel fine and normal and the lack of symptoms has me convinced I'm no longer pregnant. The last few days I've felt great and part of me is wondering if everything is truly alright down there. And not in an upset, worried, sad way - more like a sort of disconnected curiosity.

We also haven't told a soul and given my general wonderings about whether this is okay, I don't think we will tell anyone until after our "dating" ultrasound which is three weeks away. Last time we'd told a dozen assorted folks by now. The only person I mentioned it to is the office manager because my office is being painted this week and I wanted to make sure it's an acrylic paint. She never even got back to me.

I guess the other thing is that I'm just so incredibly wrapped up in my toddler that I don't have a lot of energy for thinking and dreaming about the creature in my belly. I almost said "my child" instead of my toddler, but that would imply that this future baby is not my child, when of course (assuming it still exists) it is. I just have trouble picturing it all.

Anyway, I'm not upset about this lack of connectedness - I'm just commenting on it. Considering that until recent times, people didn't even really consider themselves pregnant until they felt a "quickening", I've often wondered if we place too much emphasis on the necessity of bonding in the early stages. After all, if something does happen, and there's always such a strong likelihood it can, isn't it better not to be overly invested? I realise that sounds horribly pessimistic, but really it's not. I think I just may enjoy this pregnancy more for lack of stressing about it. That is, if I'm still pregnant.

Sickly Sweet

Holy mother of God, this pregnancy is kicking my ass. I started to feel a little nauseous last week, but then had such a dearth of symptoms that I was starting to think maybe the bean hadn't "stuck." That changed this weekend - there is actually a permanent divet on the sofa as I've barely moved off it all weekend. I have no appetite for anything at all. I did choke down some brunch this morning, but wasn't even able to finish that. Then I had a slice of pizza tonight, but the steamed broccoli made me gag. Ugh.

When does morning (aka all-day) sickness peak? Please tell me something like seven weeks. I'm not sure how I can function at work this way (let alone home).

Luckily LM was in a stellar mood today and was happy to entertain himself for much of the day playing with his puzzles and singing to himself. "Five little ducks" is on constantly in our house and he has a plastic guitar that he strums along with.

I dragged myself to yoga this morning, which I think was a good thing. When I got home at 9:30, there was a little boy standing in the kitchen watching for me. He was wearing nothing but a robot t-shirt and two rubber boots, each on the wrong foot. His hair was messy and he had a big dimpled smile for me. It was the sweetest moment of my day, possibly my week. I love that kid so much.

6 weeks

I have had the most insane few weeks at work, busier than I ever have been. Which is fine because to be honest, August was so un-busy that I started to fret about someone noticing how few hours I was billing. In my defence, I had a lot of nonbillable work going on, but still. Anyway, I would love to share more about work, but don't feel I can here, even in an anonymous blog. All I can say is, ex parte orders are quite exciting!

Tomorrow I will be six weeks. (And I promise not all my blog posts will be week counts. Just noticed that.) So far, D and I have told no one except a few people on a mommy (and pregnancy) message board I frequent (a few of whom I have met in person) and you. So far, so good. Last time we were not nearly so stealthy as all sorts of people guessed right away. Hopefully I can keep it mum until the end of November at work. I'm sure I'll cave earlier when it comes to my family but I'd like to get into the double digits.

Anyway, six weeks feels like a good milestone since the time I miscarried, I was just short of that.

I am having occasional stinging pains in my side today, which has me slightly worried. My mind always races to worst case scenarios, like ectopic. But looking at the symptoms on "Dr. Google", I don't have any of the others markers, and I am susceptible to right quadrant pain, so it's probably nothing. I guess if it gets worse I'll think about getting it checked out.

4 weeks

Things are going well. Now officially into week 4, so it's feeling slightly more 'real'. I think I can stop obsessively testing to see if it has stuck. Still lots of potential for things to go sideways, so we are keeping it under wraps with all friends and family for now. Haven't told a soul, except on the Internet, ha!

I'm a little worried it's going to be a rough month. Morning sickness hasn't really hit yet but I expect that will come soon - probably still early. And the fatigue - not sure how that will be with a toddler and a full-time job. But if I get through October, I think things will be fine. I'm going to try to avoid telling work until the end of November, but we'll see if I can last.

You know what's awesome though? Happy hormones. I feel very zen. Work is 100 times better for no reason at all. I sleep like a baby at night. (That's a weird expression - my 'baby' still wakes up a million times a night.) They need to invent some sort of injection that makes you feel this way. Minus the nausea of course, and the obsessive calculation of gestational age.

Birth

So sorry for lack of updates! Blogger was acting super-weird for the past few days and hasn't let me publish a thing. It seems to be up and running again now, so I will grab a rare moment.

Our birth was amazing. I went into labour as I wrote to you all. I read for a while, wrote a letter. I finally woke D two hours later as the pains were more frequent. We went for a walk - I was determined to be in a position to call the midwives when we got back, that is to have contractions that were five minutes apart and one minute long. On the walk they got 2-3 minutes apart but were still 30 or 45 seconds long.

I came back home and we called our doula, as there was a fair amount of blood and the "Birth Partner" book was pretty frightening about what that meant. Our doula assured us it was normal and got ready to come over. A little while later, my contractions were a minute long, and D called the midwife. She was at another birth, so she sounded a bit anxious. But the midwife coming on call the next morning was able to come so she arrived at the same time as the doula.

When they arrived they watched and waited a bit. The doula took over and D was able to get our place ready. The midwife offered an exam and it turned out I was 10 cm dilated!

I was positive for a bacteria called Group B Strep, which is very common, but in very rare situations can cause serious issues in newborns. I was still deciding whether or not to treat only if risk factors presented themselves (i.e. if my water was broken for a long time), or to treat with antibiotics regardless. woops moving to one-handed typing as baby nurses. but since the antibiotics have to be in your system for 4, or preferable 8 hours before birth, it became an impossibility to treat, since baby was only a couple of hours away. thankfully, my water was still not broken, and in fact broke only 1/2 an hour or so before birth.

At that point i got in the bath, which was great; Our doula and D had been careful to keep me hydrated, so after a while in the tub, everyone thought it might be a good idea if I peed. I moved to the toilet where my water finally broke, and just sat there for a while, biting down on a towel as I had more and more contractions. Someone suggested I feel for the head and I reached down and there it was. That gave me lots of incentive to push and bear down, though I will say the pushing is almost involuntary. My whole body was in eject mode, and I was throwing up and pushing. But I did bear down a lot. The midwife suggested I get back in the bath, which I did. Not 5 minutes later, his head was born; then another few minutes passed and I pushed again and his body was born.

They passed him to me through the water, grey and slithering, with a long head and the bluest little hands. I have to say, I knew he would look odd, but it was almost as if someone was handing me a completely different baby. But I just wanted to hold him so close. He didn't breathe immediately, but after a while, he took out a great yell and kept doing that. The midwives said he was "very passionate!"

I was really expecting quite a bit of direction, and coaching through labour. But the midwife who arrived was really laidback, and just watched, listened, answered questions and made the odd suggestion. Now I realise that's exactly what worked best for us, and I'm so happy it was that way. Basically it implied to me that everything I was doing was right, and it gave me the confidence to keep going. Our doula was seamless, at times I didn't even know if it was her or D pushing on my back or squeezing my hand.

Did it hurt? Yeah - a lot. At times I was thinking "we are only having one child" or "I wish I'd had a cesarean." But 20 minutes later, all the pain seemed a distant memory and I was high as a kite and full of energy and life.

We are now coming down off the high, and off a slew of visitors, and are preparing to cocoon for a few days and turn off the ringer on the phone.

As Promised

Think I'm in labour. It hurts quite a bit. Am going for a walk, then will call doula, possibly midwife. Last two hours have been mild, but is suddenly getting very intense. Water broken?

T-Minus, Er, Plus a Few Days

Well I am still here! I know it that almost everyone goes past their due date, but I really didn't think that everyone included me! I am such a hypocrite, I know.

So far we've tried sex, nipple stimulation and long walks. I even thought about some blue cohosh, but I feel iffy about doing that since there's really no need yet. So I think I will wait on that and talk about it with the midwife next week.

I am trying to keep myself busy, and went for a nice long walk at the beach today. I probably wouldn't be as anxious as I am except that I was sort of hoping that the midwife who did our home visit would be the one to do our birth, as we had a long chance to talk and D was very comfortable with her. Plus, she said such nice things about him at our last appointment! She's on call this week. But the others will be awesome too, so really it's not a big deal, especially as we have our doula who we are both super-comfortable with.

The other mildly annoying thing is that I feel like I'm in prelabour. I've been having crazy Braxton-Hicks for two days, but they don't go anywhere.

We've told everyone that the baby is now not expected before the weekend, so hopefully that holds off the phone calls.

In Which I Demonstrate My Boredom

One of the mildly irritating things about Blogger is that if you type in your password wrong, it gives you the gulp-inducing message that the e-mail address/username doesn't exist and suddenly you wonder if all those posts have faded into oblivion. Thankfully it doesn't give me the heart attack it used to, but it's still kind of a bizarre error message. What are they trying to say? Doesn't exist in our system? Doesn't exist at all even though the e-mail address is hosted elsewhere and therefore Blogger has no way of knowing if it exists or not? What is existence of an e-mail address anyway? Does it only exist if it's valid? Anyway, since I am a terrible typer I get this message at least once a week and it bothers me.

Another irritating thing in my life these days: telemarketers. My sleep has not been the greatest, so if I'm up half the night I do enjoy my lie-in until 10:30 or so, and yet some of these telemarketers are calling me at 9:50. How annoying is that? My stupid phone doesn't seem to have an option to turn the ringer off, so I have to unplug it completely, which is a mild pain. But even the somewhat more reasonable 12:30 calls are really going to piss me off in a few weeks.

The weekend was good - just hung out and played Scrabble and watched episodes of HBO on TV. Last night I was sure things were happening as I was having all sorts of cervical twinges and twitches, but today it's very still down there. So I guess I am going to be one of those mamas who goes past her due date. I need to think up some activities for this week as now that D (and everyone else I know) is back at work after the weekend, I am bored out of my skull.

Suggestions welcome! I've been doing some tourist spots, but I may have to hit up some more. Another project for today is putting the kibosh on the in-laws' daily phone calls regarding my status. I do appreciate their interest, but it's kind of stressing me out - mainly if I am labouring at home, I don't really want to be fielding calls.

Still here, still pregnant

Was kind of hoping I would go today as it is a family member's birthday, but no such luck. Am trying to resign myself for the long haul, but I do get a little jealous reading about mothers who had later due dates and have already had their babies. Doesn't seem quite fair. Then again, I'm sure in a few weeks it'll all be a blur anyway and a few days here or there won't matter. I will try to have a good last (hopefully) weekend and savour our last few moments as a couple. I'm not even quite at my due date, so I could have a while.

However, I do promise to try and log in and let you know once things start going for certain.

Ready

Okay, my minor panic has passed and now I am ready to have this baby. I've started telling him or her every day that we are ready for the arrival! I have done some of the major things I wanted to do, the nursery is finished and I'm ready to take the next step. I feel this pressure in my groin area so I think the baby is moving lower and lower.

I really hope I am not one of those first-time mothers who goes seriously overdue because I think I might go insane. Being at home when everyone is at work and you're too tired or lazy to want to do much is really boring. So we are now in countdown mode folks; send me labour vibes.

Yay for maternity leave. I have a few errands to keep me busy every day. Today was cat to the vet day, and "thank you" cards in the post day.

I wanted it to be clean-up day, as I can see a lot of dust under the sofa but I'm not feeling particularly energetic or nesting-ish, so maybe that will be tomorrow.

I've got terrible insomnia these days. Sleeping has never been a problem of mine, but last night I went to bed at 10:30 and was still awake at 12. So I got up and fooled around on the 'net for an hour before going back to bed. Then I lay awake for another hour, so I got up and had a bath and finally got to sleep only to have to wake up five hours later. I realise this isn't exactly a hardship compared to what I've got coming in the next few months, but boo!

Cold Shower

I am going to have a baby this month. Kind of blows my mind.

I am really going to miss my midwives' care. Appointments are long, and detailed, and I can take along family, doulas etc. Everything is explained and I am often there for 45 minutes just talking things through - although sometimes I have no questions and my visits are much shorter.

I had to go to my GP recently, and although she is a very nice person, it was just a bit of a cold shower after the great care I've been getting. For one, I was told I had to pee in a cup by the receptionist, which makes no sense, since I am under someone else's care, and they are the ones who test my pee. I was never told what for, or what they saw. At the midwife, they go over every test result, often showing the form that came back from the lab.

Then everything was rushed, and my GP didn't really seem to understand what I was asking for. (I wanted a prescription so that IV antibiotics for Group B Strep can be given to me at home during labour by the midwives.) She gave me some info that isn't entirely correct without really exploring with me why I was asking what I was. I didn't push her on it, so I basically wasted an hour of my day since I left without the 'script. She did offer to talk to my midwife about the request, which was nice, but I haven't heard anything since.

Anyway all this to say, I have a great GP, but the level of care I've been getting at the midwife makes me realise how broken the family medicine system can be. I am lucky to have a GP at all, so I know I shouldn't complain too much. And she has in the past been great about many things, and very sympathetic, so I don't mean to bash her.

It's interesting - as a lawyer we are taught that we present our client with their options, the benefits of each, but ultimately the choice is up to them. We tell them the law, and ways to proceed, but we don't make decisions for them. The midwife is the same way - she presents the options, gives the background information, but ultimately each and every choice is your own, though of course guidance and advice is given. But lots of times doctors don't have time to discuss the pros and cons of various options with you, nor do they give you the benefit of thinking that you might actually know a fair bit yourself. They just give you one possible solution, and if you don't like it, then you're stuck. Not all doctors are like this, I know... but most of the ones I've dealt with are - and I've seen a lot of doctors in my lifetime, especially in the past five years, and I also have a couple in my family, so I feel quite confident in saying that.

Anyway, I have a feeling that there will be many tears shed on the day of my last midwife visit, which is six weeks after birth. If I have this many questions as a pregnant woman, imagine how many I'll have when I'm a new mother. I wish I knew I was going somewhere where I'd be treated as I am at the midwife's.

Who Me?

I woke up this morning in a bit of a panic. In just a few weeks, maybe sooner, my whole life will be completely different. I will no longer be solely responsible to myself. I will no longer just be able to pick and move to a different country on a whim, or quit my job to backpack across Europe, or skydive. I can't get wasted at a friend's cottage party and puke on the steps. I know that I could technically do those things, but in every decision I make I will keep in mind the needs and desires and general well-being of another person - a person who needs me not to be in another country, or falling out of the sky.

In some ways it's sort of silly to get worked up about, because I have no desire to sky dive anyway. But what about the small stuff? Just the basics of making a dentist appointment or going to the store will be complicated by someone else's schedule. I will no longer be able to indulge in my secret single behaviour when D goes out of town, where I hang out naked and skip dinner to eat brownie mix. There will be someone depending on me. Yes, D depends on me, as do a few other people - but those people are fully functioning adults. This little person won't just depend on me - she or he will be dependent on me. That's more than a semantic difference.

I'm sure that feeling this is normal. I'm not beating myself up about it - after all, sometimes you just need to take a moment to realise the magnitude of where your life is going. It sounds stupid, but it's the first time I've really even thought about it. I've spent so much time worrying over small and ridiculous risks related to pregnancy and parenthood, ignoring the obvious: my whole life is going to change.

I still remember asking my mother a question once when I was about four. She didn't know the answer and said so. I said "How can you not know? You're a grown-up!" I'm about to be someone else's grown-up. But I'm still just a kid!

Absentmindedness

Sometimes, I have these moments where I just forget that I am enormously pregnant. It happened a few weeks ago when I made a running jump to be on D's back and the force of my belly propelled me backwards.

"What were you thinking?" he asked. "I didn't know whether to move out of the way or not!"

It happened yesterday when I noticed my reflection in a bank window and noticed "Ohmygod! I'm huge!" It happened again today when I pulled out a pair of pants to wear - a pair of pants that were tight at the best of times before. Woops. Yes, there's a wee bit of denial going on methinks.

I have the full on pregnant waddle going on. Whenever I notice it I try to stop, but my back and hips are doing all kinds of weird things. But while a few weeks ago everyone was commenting on how enormous I am, now I'm getting the "you're still so small!" thing. People are funny.

Just Lazy

Ha ha - sorry to those who thought I might be in labour. Sadly, I am just lazy.

However, I am getting close to term. So very soon, I will be in my "due month" and baby could come at any time. The other day I really thought that I might be going into labour - I started having intense Braxton Hicks that were achey, like menstrual cramps. All I could think of is what a disaster our place was! So I came home and started doing loads of laundry. But lucky for me, everything tapered off. But I think it was just the baby dropping lower into my pelvis.

I am fully expecting this baby to be quite late since my mother was late with all three of us. So it's tricky coordinating when people should come to visit. The possibility of lateness is very hard for D's parents to understand as they are dead certain that they will induce us if we go overdue. Sometimes it's just too hard to try and explain. My family is easier, and I'm sure a big of part that is just that no one on that side has had a baby in 25 years. So there is no one to offer their "expertise." In my mother's day they let you go a month overdue if you had to so she figures it's still that way.

Quickies

I want to write an entry, but realise I really have nothing to say...

After my vent - and I thank you for your support, there was yet another jab at it. This time I was told that almost no first time mothers are successful at home birth anyway since first labours are often so long. Which is weird, because almost everyone I know of who's planned one (admittedly, not that many people) did it as a first time mother. It's hard to engage because most of the comments are made in passing, so I just ignore, and then I'm mad at myself afterwards for not sticking up for myself.

I had strange dreams last night; in one I had triplets, and I wanted to nurse them, but was too busy so I kept forgetting. When I did remember I had this breast pump and I would strap it on and it would just fill with milk in seconds. But for some reason I only owned two bottles, not three, so one child kept getting neglected.

A wee vent

Life is good - pregnancy is good - work is good.

Baby is growing exactly as it should.

Hey, that rhymes.

I've vented about this before, but I find it really irritating how eager people are to tell us what a bad idea home birth is. Yes home birth is a bad idea in some situations - like for my friend who wasn't able to have one because of a clotting disorder. And I'm not sure I would be as comfy with it if I didn't live 15 minutes from a hospital that is very accustomed to working with home birth midwives in the case of transfer. But how dumb do these people think we are? Do they think we are unknowingly putting our health and our baby's health at risk to satisfy some whim? I've read the studies about the safety and not just articles about the studies, but the actual studies (including a study at the hospital where I am pre-registered). And I feel like for us it's the right choice.

I would never dream of criticising someone for choosing an epidural, or a cesarean. Those are personal choices, and I would never judge someone for saying they need pain relief - pain tolerance is a very personal thing. Who know, maybe I will decide I need it. So why should they judge me (us) and my (our) choices? And what these people don't seem to realise is that while yes, there are some benefits to being in the hospital, there are some benefits to being at home as well.

Anyway, I'm getting over it. D joked that we should invite the naysayers over for a meal of placenta afterwards... which you have to admit would be quite amusing. Unfortunately, I fear we do not have enough freezer space for it.

Office Talk

Well after a very brief weekend away, a weekend spent lazing by a pool and sleeping tons, I am back at work. I am actually quite enjoying being there, which is good. I wasn't sure how I'd feel going back. Also, I wasn't sure what the reaction would be to me given that I am there for such a short time. But I have been busy and as long as I am busy I am happy.

It's definitely nice to have summered there and to be familiar with it. It all comes back quickly - the protocols on PDFing documents, the various software tools, the network bugaboos, the office personalities. It feels very familiar walking around there, as I guess it should. But it really feels like I never left. It's nice to know that I enjoy it even being so preoccupied with baby, because hopefully it means that when I go back in a year (and am doubtless even MORE preoccupied with baby) it will go well.

In my rare non-busy moments I am researching daycares and realising that we have to put ourselves on some waitlists; I keep saying that but never seem to get it done. We even have to pay non-refundable deposits for the privilege of being on such waitlists. The childcare system in this city is absolutely, horrifically brutal. We may end up paying for a nanny, which means that I will essentially be working for the sake of itself, with very little left to take home. Oh well, we shall manage. D just got a raise, so that should cover, oh 8 weeks of daycare. I will think positively and visualise us getting good childcare.

Speaking of which, I have found that visualisation/positive thinking is actually a really cool tool. I've been scanning "The Secret" lately, although it is totally not my kind of book. The other day I accidentally broke the stem of my orchid (they take forever to grow back), but I just believed it would heal - and oddly, it has! I've been trying it in other contexts too, and more often than not, if I really believe it, it does happen. Anyway, that's my new age thought of the day. Back to regular programming.

Countdown

It is now T minus less than one week until the bar. I am officially FREAKING OUT!!!! I have a lot of material yet to read, and then do practice exams. We all have all these assignments to hand in and they give them to us throughout, which means that a lot of time and prep goes into them, when I'd really prefer to have been focussing on the exams a little earlier. Too bad I never got around to filling out that feedback form.

Also, a few optimistic weeks ago I booked myself for an afternoon of sailing tomorrow - was that a dumb idea? I may have to cancel that. Then again, if I have days and days of studying ahead, maybe a few hours outdoors is what I need to keep myself on track. Ha - I can justify anything.

I am starting to tire again quite easily, so I find I need to sleep until 8:30 or so - not conducive to a full day of studying.

Checking In

We are in the middle of a radical heat wave - wow. I ache to go to the beach.

I went to a wedding this past weekend, which was amazing. It was very lovely and heartfelt with all sorts of personal touches. I saw all sorts of old friends who I haven't visited in years and it's amazing how quickly things can seem normal again.

I really enjoy this part of being pregnant - people are so happy for us, and they're always extending well-wishes and sharing their stories. Last night the waiter at an upscale restaurant told us how the birth of his child was the most amazing moment of his life. People are just kind to me, and us. I understand now what my friend says when she says she misses her belly. It made no sense before, since I was really not enjoying pregnancy for the first 20-odd weeks.

Anyway, back to work.

Happiness

Okay, I'm over my little rant from last time. One thing that I have to say this pregnancy has "given" me is an ever-increasing respect and love for D. I mean, don't get me wrong, he has been my best friend for years, but it's just amazing to realise how much respect and trust we have for each other, and how tied we in are to each other's decision-making process. I really do feel that it's important that D be as comfortable with our choices as I am, and one thing the mini-intervention taught me is that he is; after all, this was a decision we made together.

While it has taken him a bit longer to adjust to the reality that we're going to be parents (let's face it, neither of us really know what we've gotten ourselves into) I do love how into it he is. He is already talking about when we could possibly have another one - would 18 months be too soon? (Yes! I won't even have finished my articles by then!) He is very psyched to take some serious time off with the next one. He is very keen to have a huge brood.

Have I mentioned that I've reached the honeymoon period? I'm rebutting all the pregnancy books - it's not the second trimester that's the best, it's the third. I have energy, I feel well, I hear myself laughing all the time.

How to Deal

Argh - sometimes I really hate people. Most recently, them telling D stories of emergency cesaerean births and umbilical cords wrapped around baby's necks and generally trying to be really discouraging of the possibility of home birth. I wish they would just butt out.

Let me be clear, we are not dogmatic. We will go to the hospital if it is necessary. All the research I've done shows that home birth is as safe provided adequate measures are taken. I'm not just picking sources that are biased in favour of more natural options, but am going to medical journals and other ostensibly objective sources. Before I started my research I wasn't fixated on this issue - I think I went in to this project relatively unbiased. We will have intermitten heart-rate monitoring and take other measures to ensure the safety of our baby.

I admit I am often feeling hurt by these particular relations - I feel they marginalise me and make very little effort to hang out with me. And making statements like that to D makes me feel like they don't respect our choices, and are trying to lobby him. I resent being treated like the crazy wife. Anyway I wish they would stop their fear-mongering - I find it really passive-aggressive. At least say it with me there so I can say my piece.

From the TMI Files

I did a whole bunch of errands today, including buying an amazing mirror for over our fireplace, which makes the whole place look better (and bigger, which is very good when dealing with such an itty-bitty place). I even got D to buy some clothes, which is always a struggle as he hates shopping but often laments his meagre wardrobe.

We also went to two baby stores, where he picked out some clothes and did some information-gathering on big ticket items. I've been feeling a bit guilty since I seem to be on a buying bonanza, and wanted him to feel a bit more involved. I actually had a dream last night that I was being chased - it's a common theme in my dreams - I'm running to or from somewhere. Except this dream was a little different because every now and then I'd spot a baby store and I'd take a break from being chased by a crazy person to look at Gymboree consignment clothing. Some not so opaque symbolism there, I think.

Across the street from the second baby store, I was getting into the car, awkwardly maneuvering my unwieldy self between a lamp post and the door. In doing so, I accidentally stabbed my right boob on the corner of the car door. I was clutching my chest in pain when I noticed that I had actually leaked milk onto my shirt. For some reason this made me laugh hysterically. Pregnancy really is a strange and amazing thing. A real live food product being produced by my body! How would you feel, I asked D, if your body just starting churning out hot dogs or something? It's pretty weird. Cool! But weird.

Griping

I am feeling mildly annoyed - okay more than a little - I'll admit there may have been some hormonal tears shed. I'm flying out for a friend's wedding in two weeks - we're each taking 2 days off. I now find out that D is not invited to the Friday night events as it is limited to close friends only, not their significant others. So him having taken off the whole day to be there was somewhat pointless. Irritating since he only has 2 weeks vacation this year (criminal, isn't it?) and that day was 10% of it. I knew we should have done the red-eye Friday night. Damn.

We're now looking into changing his flight, which will likely cost several hundred, but you can't put a price on those vacation days. Then again if he does change it I'll have to fly out alone and negotiate the unfamiliar area and the hotel solo. It shouldn't daunt me at all since I've travelled alone a lot before, but I just have no energy for it now and am feeling mildly stressed about flying at 30 weeks. I shouldn't let this bother me as much as I did, but I'm in a mood.

I had Indian food tonight with some friends of my uncle, including a girl a few years younger than me. She's one of those pixie-ish girls with cute clothes and good hair. "I hope you're pregnant," she said when she saw me. I laughed, "Yes, I am." Later when I said I was 6 months along, her eyes popped out and she said "You mean you still have 3 months to go?" I am not really that big - am measuring right on schedule - half a week behind even - and all the weight is on my belly, not elsewhere. But 100 people can tell you look great when you're pregnant and it only takes one insensitive comment to make you feel like a beluga.

Also, my stomach muscles have separated... diastasis recti - anyone know what you're supposed to do about that? Or what you're not supposed to do? I do avoid putting pressure on my abs and try to roll when I'm on my back, but is there anything I can do to, you know, put them back together?

Anyway I'm off to curl up with a fat, fat, fat book about the life and times of Josephine Bonaparte - these days, I love reading historical fiction - puts it all in perspective, you know?

Just a Steel-Town Girl on a Saturday Night

D is out of town for the weekend and I am indulging my Secret Single Behaviour. I am eating cake batter in the kitchen naked and madly bidding on eBay items in the buff. I took a nap in the middle of the day (okay, not so secret behaviour) and am leaving all the dishes in the sink.

I seem to have hit a slightly manic part of my pregnancy. I slept only 3 hours last night. That is incredibly rare for me as normally I can sleep well over 9 hours if left to my own devices. I lay in bed for hours last night - when I lay on my left, I could hear my heart beating so loudly it kept me awake. When I lay on my right, D's breathing was too close to my face. When I was on my back the baby kicked and kicked at me. Stomach is understandably out of the question, though I never sleep that way anyway. After two hours, I got up and ran a hot bath, but even after that I was still wired. A nice hot beverage would normally do the trick, but I have to avoid drinking anything at least an hour before bedtime or I'm up 10 minutes after I've dozed off. Instead, I went online and ordered 7 cloth diapers from a local store.

I thought for sure I'd crash today as I had to be out the door by 9 (thankfully later than usual) and had only slept from 3 to 6. Well I haven't crashed yet. I'm madly putting together a baby budget to figure out how much we've spent so far. Answer - a lot more than I thought when I factor in each and every baby-related purchase over the past few months, despite the fact that they have been no big-ticket items and most everything was consignment or eBay (except diapers, I draw the line at used diapers.) I've really tried to be good and have only bought one item that was really frivolous (a fancy bouncy chair) and even that I got a sort of deal on by having it shipped to my brother in the U.S. D and I have agreed that we shouldn't spend more than a certain amount, but I'm already 1/4 of the way through it - hopefully my mother will help out with a big ticket item like a stroller or crib.

I had a cup of coffee yesterday because I was so tired in the a.m. I only had it around 11 a.m., so I assumed it couldn't have possibly kept me awake. But I had another today - a complete anomaly as I don't think I've had coffee since I got pregnant - and it suddenly occurs to me that this may be reason for my mania. Seems strange though because I've continued to drink the occasional black or green tea so I'm shouldn't be completely caffeine sensitive.

Anyway I'm off to bathe and read and hopefully get a nice round number of hours of sleep - there's a baby sample sale on tomorrow that I just found out about, so I need to have energy to shove elbows with some other big-bellied women!

Running Around

It was such a gorgeous weekend here. I had to work all day Saturday (turns out this bar course is actually pretty time-consuming!) but I took Sunday off. That morning I actually did a 5k run! I had stopped running (and er, most exercise) a couple of weeks ago but I signed up for the run a long time ago, so I planned to walk it. But I was feeling pretty good that morning, so I figured I'd see how running went for a bit, then I'd walk. After running 10 minutes (very slowly), I still felt good so I kept going and I ran probably 75% of it. Usually I would run a 5k in a little less than half an hour. Walking would be an hour. So I ran it in 37 minutes which I think was pretty damn good. I felt fantastic afterwards, though my feet did hurt pretty much all day.

After that, D and I went shopping for a new piece of furniture as we are doing a bit of rearranging. Although I think the whole midcentury thing is a bit overdone, we ended up finding a great piece of 1960s Danish furniture on antique row. It fits right into the desired space! There are some great deals to be had at those stores. My tendency is to turn to Ikea, but I may have a whole new obsession.

I developed another joyous pregnancy symptom. Despite staying very hydrated after my run, I woke up with a horrible leg cramp. It's one of those symptoms you read about in the books, but it sounds so weird and unlikely. But I actually woke up screeching in pain. It still kind of hurts today. The books say to take magnesium to prevent them, but I already take it. I also read to put a bar of Ivory soap under your bed, which makes absolutely no sense at all, but people on message boards swear that it works! If it happens again I'll try anything.

I consider myself to have a pretty high pain threshold, and am generally unstressed about the whole pain of labour. But I sure hope my uterus contracting doesn't feel anything like my calf muscle contracting.

May Weekend

Have been MIA, enjoying a week of relative peace and quiet before I start my bar course tomorrow! Agh! Funny how whenever I have free time, I write less.

We had an amazing long weekend staying at a little B&B out of town - a little "babymoon" before I get too big and unwieldy. The b&b had an enormous soaker tub, which I love. I had three long, delicious baths. We spent much time outside on the water and hitchhiked around the countryside, a very accepted practice in those parts. We ate early and fell asleep very tired.

The owner of the inn was a sweet and delightful woman and told us what a lucky baby we have to have such nice parents. Awww... D pored over baby books and read me aloud tips from a book for Dads that I got him (one of the few I've found that isn't written as if men are complete imbeciles, but very heavy on sports metaphors.)

Now I am pleasantly tired and getting ready to eat some stew before an early bedtime.

Lesson Learned

So I had my bath and was much more relaxed and rational. I had spent the day ripping the apartment apart in order to rearrange furniture, only to find my loveseat was an inch too long to fit where it needed to, and that 1-800-got-j*nk charges a whopping $108 to take away one measly thing (a trunk left by the previous owners). That service really has to be the biggest racket ever as they charge you to take it away then make money selling it. Moral - it's cheaper to rent a van and go to the dump. Grrrr... But after my bath I was able to have a much more rational conversation with poor D about what to do. He finds me being upset very upsetting, but even in my very raw state I was able to assure him he should pay me no mind as it really was purely hormone-induced.

I fell asleep feeling much more sane, but I woke up this morning still feeling completely nutsoid. Strangely, as I really am quite happy, but a friend called and asked how I was and I nearly burst into tears. "Are you doing self-care?" she asked. "Massages and so on?" I did have a massage booked, but after that conversation I decided to do a whole day of self-care rather than rearrange the kitchen, and so got back into bed (I had already slept 10 hours the ight before) and slept for a whopping four more hours.

So that was a good lesson, as I was so cranky and fatigued but I thought I couldn't possibly be tired given all the sleep I'm getting. I forgot that my body really is doing weird and wonderful things right now and regular rules don't apply. I felt so refreshed and blissful finally waking up at 3:30. I will try to remember that postpartum as I am sure hormones will kick in full force then as well - I will work something out, maybe even get my mother to come over for two hours a day so I can have a few hours nap (hm... yes I realise this might all be wildly optimistic.)

hormonal

Well, I think I am over my sticker shock with regards to grades, but have hit another weird preggo, can't stop crying patch. There's nothing in particular I'm sad about, but the tears keep rolling. I have been depressed before and don't feel that way now at all. I just feel like a cranky, tired, two-year old. It's no fun.

But I just went to a "Healthy Pregnancy" class where they assured me hot baths are quite safe. (It's one of those weird things people start warning you against when you're with child.) Not that I'd been depriving myself anyway, but it's an awfully good excuse to just melt some hormones away.

crappy endings

Argh - my friend sent an e-mail informing us of a way to check our grades, which are not officially posted yet. I actually had purposely not bothered to find out when they would be posted, because I really didn't want to check them. But after I got the e-mail I couldn't help it.

Know how I said I bombed that exam? Turns out I really did bomb it. I thought I was being a bit hyperbolic, but I wasn't. I'm pretty irritated actually, and surprisingly upset. I didn't fail, but it was my lowest mark ever, and from a prof I truly did like. It just seems so monumentally unfair to get a completely crap mark after all I went through this semester:
-picking up the slack on the moot, mooting even though I didn't want to
-being sick and tired constantly with migraines, morning sickness, a horrible flu, a cough that never ended, and of course the ubiquitous first trimester flat-on-my-back fatigue
-having a borderline UTI during the exam, but not wanting to defer because it would mean graduating late and throwing everything off, including my bar course
-school full time plus working 15 hours a week at two different jobs in an attempt to qualify for maternity benefits by September

I know those factors don't count for anything, but it just seems like they should. And what sucks is, it totally doesn't represent my knowledge on the subject. I did leave the reading until the last minute, but I did it all. I wrote a great outline. I explained concepts to others. But I got completely buggered because the exam was a race against the clock. I understand why I got the mark I did, but I also know I understand the material much better than my mark reflects. Anyway, I am hating the exam, the course, the prof, pretty much everything. I admit it, I'm shedding some tears.

At the end of the day, does it really matter? No. I'm done. But it's just a shite way to finish off everything. If I didn't have grad school on the brain, none of this would matter. It also likely affects an award I applied for, but then maybe I didn't have much of a shot at that anyway. And grad school may be off the radar anyway, because, well, I'm having a kid. Life is going in a different direction, one that may not be conducive to another few years of schooling. I'm okay with that. But it doesn't prevent me from feeling horribly disappointed in the stupid mark.

Hopefully venting here (and on RateMyProfs - naturally) helps me get over it. Tomorrow, after all, is another day.

In Between Time

Wow - I've been done law school for almost five days. Pretty insane. It hasn't really sunk in yet, perhaps because I'm working part-time and doing loads of errands. I think it will really only hit me when September rolls around and I'm not headed to the bookstore to buy tonnes of books, or loading up on my back-to-school wardrobe. But then September will have another fine project, which will be nice. When I worked for four years, I always remember September as being a let-down - it felt like something should change, but it didn't. So it will be nice to have something happening.

It's nice to be past the halfway way mark in the pregnancy. A lot of my worrying has eased. I feel the little one fairly regularly now - pretty much every day, though some days are a lot quieter than others. There's something comforting about being only a few weeks away from potential viability, even though I know that babies born so early rarely survive and even if they do, often have terrible problems. But it feels nice to know they'd be able to try to help, and I think the worst part of having the miscarriage was just the helplessness of it - it just sort of happens and they can't do anything to stop it. I wouldn't say the miscarriage weighs on my mind in other ways though - was just a rite of passage I had to go through, albeit a sucky one.

Anyway this is my first free weekend and I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do. We went out this morning, but now I just want to be at home and rest - but there's no schoolwork I have to pretend to do. It's odd. Takes some getting used to. Anyway that will all change in a few weeks when I start the bar, so I guess I should enjoy it while I can.

Mysteries

All I can say, is that it's a really good thing I don't work full time these days. I do work a full day once a week - and it's brutal. I fell asleep there today - could barely keep my eyes open so I closed the door and laid my head on a big binder on my desk for a wee rest. My own snoring woke me up 20 minutes later. It's a very good thing there are no windows in my office.

I am someone who needs a lot of sleep at the best of times, but that really does take the cake.

We had our ultrasound yesterday and it was amazing. We kind of went back and forth on doing it at all, as many studies I've read said there are no real differences in outcomes when people have routine ultrasounds, or just when the doctor orders them for cause. But my midwife said that knowing about the heart, position of the placenta etc. might change what whether we did a home birth or not, so we went for it. I'm really glad that we did because it was really moving - I was tearing up the whole time to see those little hands and little feet and a big old head, and the thing just wiggling around in there.

Also, we had it done at the local women's hospital here, and they were truly lovely. They let D come in and watch the whole time, unlike at the private clinic where I've gone before. And also, they had a big TV monitor up so we could see everything and ask all kinds of questions.

We did not find out the sex; we didn't want to anyway, but the hospital also has a policy of not telling you until 24 weeks as that is the guideline of the College of Physicians here. Seems a bit patriarchal to me that they won't tell you about your own body, but apparently they believe there are sex-selected abortions. So I'm torn on how I feel about that since obviously that's a good reason not to tell - but I suspect those who really want to know just go elsewhere.

Anyway, we told the tech we didn't want to know, and she said if we didn't we should close our eyes at one point. I kept looking though, and I thought I saw boy parts (that is what D is sure we are having), but then again, I also thought that its abdomen was its head at one point. I suspect what I saw was actually the umbilical cord. For my untrained eyes, it was really hard to tell what much was without it being pointed out, other than the really obvious stuff, like hands when you could see all the wee bones in them. I admit I have looked at some ultrasound photos on pregnancy.com that say "I'm a boy!" or "I'm a girl" indicating that the photo is a picture of the requisite parts - but those were totally undiscernable to me as anything even human. So a mystery it remains, quite happily.

Baby Pants

Well, I've finished my last exam. It went quite badly. I just wasn't familiar enough with the material. Law school exams are all about spotting issues - they provide a hypothetical situation and you can advise your "client" on the law. But there were a few major things I missed - not because I wouldn't have known the law on them if asked, but because I wasn't familiar enough to realise what the question was. Oh well, I guess that's what happens when you do all your reading in two days.

In my defence, I don't the exam was entirely fair since it was a complete race against the clock. Yes, law is stressful, but you're never going to be asked to solve five complex problems involving completely different actors in two and a half hours. Those exams test a particular skill that isn't that relevant to law. Thinking fast and coherently is important. Thinking at the speed of light and identifying every possible legal issue in a very short period of time is not. I have no problem with the format of the exam, and if I'd had three hours, I could have done quite well.

Part of my problem was that I was totally preoccupied with baby yesterday. I had my midwife appointment - for some reason I get really anxious beforehand because the appointment forces me to actually turn my mind to things that could go wrong... I'm anxious about hearing the heartbeat and anxious about the weird things that are happening that I usually just don't bother worrying about.

I did hear the heartbeat, very easily, and it was lovely. But then I asked about the fact that I've been having these weird sort of pains in my cervix and while she said it was probably normal, she'd ask the ultrasound to check my cervical length anyway. (I had one just now!) I'm terrified of preterm labour - as my sister-in-law went through it and lost her twins. It seems particularly scary at this crucial time when the baby is so much more real to me, but still unviable outside the womb.

Also, I've been having what I think are Braxton-Hicks as my stomach gets really hard sometimes, and while everyone seems to say that's normal, it would be a lot more reassuring just not to have them yet.

So I came home and stewed about those things and then realised that I'd forgotten to tell her that when I did my urine test there were some nitrates in it. I got home and Googled it, and found it can mean UTI. So then I became convinced that the pains were actually a UTI and I had to go the bathroom nine times in three hours. I called and asked for a urine culture. D ran out and got my cranberry capsules and all seems well and now I realise I was being a bit ridiculous. I am very suggestable.

Anyway, we have our ultrasound Monday, so I can worry until then and then hopefully feel reassured that all is normal.

In an effort to alleviate my anxiety about both baby and my stupid exam, I decided to check out a few baby stores this afternoon. I wanted to get some kind of cute outfit - but I find shopping for baby extremely perplexing. I can't find baby pants anywhere! What do babies wear on their legs? Every thing just seems to be legless onesies - long sleeves or short. I don't really feel like making buying onesies an "event" since you can buy them in 5 packs at Shoppers. I want something it can wear on a walk, or a trip to Grandma's, like a sleeper with feet. But anything with pants or long legs is sized for an enormous baby. Our autumn baby will need pants when it's small. It's all very confusing. They show itty-bitty shoes everywhere, and babies don't even need shoes since they can't walk, but pants are like the holy grail.

End of Term Angst

Well the excitement of being almost done law school is rather muted by the fact that I have a massive, massive, massive amount to do during the next two weeks. Apparently doing nothing all term can do that to you. Who knew?

I had a wonderful dream last night that I could feel the baby's heartbeat through the skin and that I knew s/he was okay. I went for a 10k run yesterday (lots of walking in between). I feel better when I stay in shape, and still really enjoy running so I have to think that must be good for me. It's about all I can motivate myself to do lately, so I will keep at it as long as I enjoy it.

I sent it my maternity leave request forms to the Law Society a few days ago... turns out lawyers and articling students are not covered by employee legislation, so I am technically not entitled to have mat leave like most other people in this country. I am entitled to 8 months under Law Society rules, so I don't think it will be a major issue to get those extra 4 months, but it's just a hassle.

Luckily my firm has been super-understanding - part of this may be because I was already scheduled to be gone for the clerkship for a year. But they are employing me for an extra month so that I have enough hours to qualify for EI and have offered to put me on their health plan during mat leave (I think they were kind of stuck doing that, but they've been nice about it.)

Now my next dilemma is asking for a few days off from the bar course over the summer for a wedding. They say if you anticipate any problems interfering with your attendence, you should withdraw, but then it appears there is some leeway as there is a contact person who can grant an exemption to attendence requirements . If this sounds weird it's because the course itself is key, not just the exam as in the U.S. There are all sorts of exercises you are supposed to do to pass. I keep wondering if it might just be better to be "sick"... but that feels wrong.

Last Day

Well no aching head for three days! So some combination of the remedies seems to have worked. (Knocking on wood here!) Honestly, three days is the longest I've been pain-free in ages. And I didn't need a nap yesterday, which also may indicate that pastures are getting greener. Yay for being almost 18 weeks.

However, just to prove I am a complete dork I did throw out my neck. I was sitting at the computer and got up and boom, I could no longer move it more than about about 20 degrees on either side. I had to go to work at my part-time job and was in agony the whole day. I hope they don't track my Internet usage because I spent at least an hour Googling "cervical spine" and "chiropractor neck" and other random combinations. I thought I had slipped a disk or something it was so awful, I debated the E.R. (it really was that bad) for half a second, but then more Googling revealed there would be little they could do except tell me to rest.

I decided not to do chiro since it's too expensive in this city and I don't think I am covered for it. So I iced it and the next day headed to my trusty RMT who did something that made it feel a whole lot better. The degree of improvement indicates to me that it was most likely muscular. Yes, I am the queen of bizarre ailments.

Strangely, I remember being on a trip with my brother once where the same thing happened to his neck - we have similar builds, except his is obviously broader and bigger; but we're both kind of small boned with long necks. (I'm making us sound like poultry.) My brother did end up going to the E.R. because he was in so much pain, but they didn't do much for him as they seemed to think the mysterious spinal pain was just an attempt to get painkillers.

He was supposed to drive us on the next leg of our vacation - we were taking two cars somewhere - can't recall where. But the lack of neck movement meant he couldn't, so we got to take the train which was lovely! It was an old one with wooden seats. So far my neck injury has had no such silver lining, but I can hope.

Anyway, in non-neck news, tonight is my very last class of law school! Feels kind of sad, but also not yet sinking in. I am giving a presentation - the topic is corporatisation of pregnancy and birth. Yeah, I have a one-track mind these days - thank goodness for seminars that let me run with it.

Aching Head

What a delicious weekend - and I still have one little day.

I have been having the most atrocious headaches lately though - and they have been completely keeping me from doing anything schoolwise, which does make me a little anxious. Tylenol just isn't cutting it! Nor are warm baths, sleep-ins, massages, naps in the middle of the day. Blah - it's horrid.

I'm trying a B-complex as I took one at the start of my pregnancy and didn't have any headaches then - I ran out and didn't keep taking it since I figured my prenatal was giving me what I needed. And I may do a mini-cleanse of cutting out sugar and white flour and some of the baddies. I just need to be conscious that I continue to get enough calories while doing this, as I must admit, a large portion of my daily intake comes from bagels and muffins and other things. Also, I am trying to exercise a bit more as the one time I didn't have a headache yesterday was while walking in the park, and the one day I didn't have it was the day I went for a run in the a.m.

Anyhow, if you have naturopathic headache suggestions, please do send them to me - I'm totally at my wit's end and have even found myself staring longingly at the medicine cabinet where my migraine meds are - so frustrating to know that just one would nip it in the bud so nicely.

Ups and Downs

I think I finally have a belly this morning! I didn't have much of one yesterday, but then last night after dinner it just sort of stretched out. It's still pretty small, easily covered with a baggy top or jacket, but much more than just a healthy meal.

I felt some kicking last week - a little flutter. I know it's early, but I have been paying hyper-attention to it. I've felt all sorts of strange things, but I'm pretty sure most of them are just normal rumblings. However that one little flutter right down where the midwife said the baby lives was definitely kicking. So much fun.

All in all, the past week has been a lot better, but there are a couple of things that are still driving me insane, and since I don't have a lot of places to vent, you guys get to read about them!

1. Mothers-in-law: D made the mistake of telling my mother-in-law yesterday that I went for a run. Big mistake as she is convinced that running caused very premature (and non-viable) delivery for my sister-in-law, even though the aforementioned running took place over a month before that delivery. So the minute I got on the phone she tells me: "Stop running!" She has some old-fashioned ideas about how pregnancy = being an invalid. I won't say there haven't been times this month when I've agreed with that sentiment, but it does get a little tiresome to be told what to do by someone who hasn't been pregnant for over 30 years. It gives me a little joy to think about how she will react when she finds out we are contemplating home birth.

2. Mothers: My mother is the opposite, but every time we talk she asks me how much I am exercising. "You are keeping it up, aren't you? You're not going to gain too much weight are you?" My mother, who I love very dearly and get along with very well, has a few irksome qualities, one of them being a weight fixation. Most of this is focussed on herself - she constantly complains about her weight. But every now and then I find myself the target - I remember her advising me to lose a bit of weight off my thighs when I was 15. I was encouraged to do low-carb before my prom.

It must be a family thing - my aunt, who unlike my mother, is very overweight, talks about it constantly. She's always on some crazy starvation diet, which she then rebounds off of with a vengeance. I'm fairly certain I have not inherited this obsession - I mean, like 99% of women I still fixate a bit, but I must promise myself that if this baby is a daughter (or son), I will never comment on her teenage thighs (except to say nice things!) I will encourage her to exercise, but for fun and fitness, not because of a little extra flab.

3. Nipples: I am liking my new, larger bosom (hey all things are relative, and B seems big to me), but I could do without new nipples. They are darker and bigger, and I really do not like it. D says they look great, but he has to say that or I'll punch him, so he's not an entirely believable source.

4. Headaches: why does every pregnancy book say that migraines and headaches get better with pregnancy? Mine haven't. I've had a headache about 30% of the time, and it sucks.

5. They say fatigue gets better in the second trimester, and it does. But I'm still dog-tired. Yes, I did just say dog-tired. Eight hours of sleep + nap is de rigueur. (How's that for a mix of southern vernacular + pretentious second language idioms all in one paragraph?)

6. Worrying: I have curbed some of my crazier worries, but I am drawn to blogs where people go over horrible things that happened to their children/pregnancies - non-viable deliveries, neonatal death, pain relief wearing off during ceasareans. Someone cut me off!

Anyway, I'll stop my complaining, but I will say that I had always thought I'd feel rosy and alive during pregnancy, and to be honest, at 16 weeks I'm still waiting for that. On the bright side, I feel very happy and in love, with both my husband and our baby.

148

Thanks for all the kind thoughts about the kitty. I am adjusting well. But every now and then I see her out of the corner of my eye before I realise it's just a blanket or a piece of furniture, or nothing at all! But maybe it is her, just a little bit.

We had our second midwife meeting yesterday. D came again, which was surprising since I didn't think he would want to come to them regularly, but when he found out I was going, he was quite keen to be there. I don't think he'll come to them all, but it's nice for him to at least meet each of the midwives in the practice. The woman yesterday was older and very nice. She had a really calm presence. I liked the first one a lot since she was young and hip, and I knew I'd feel comfortable around her, but it was great to know that I think I will feel comfortable around this woman too - just for different reasons. She's been a midwife for 30 years and exudes experience.

The last visit was really just an intro where they did a health history, but this time we started doing the urine and weight checks that will keep happening. They ask you to test your own urine - so you take a little strip and then use that to check for glucose, protein etc. It's really easy since you just hold the strip up to a colour chart to make sure everything is the right colour, but it did strike me as kind of hilarious to be in there, assessing my pee. But I guess it makes sense, since unlike a doctor's office there's no nurse on staff.

In the waiting room, D and I found a retro '80s book with all sorts of tips on dressing stylishly during pregnancy. All of the suggested "looks" involved very large, baggy articles of clothing, many with shoulder pads. And preferably a vest.

After all of that, it was Doppler time - that anxiety inducing moment when they see if they can hear the heartbeat. They tell you they can't always hear it, but that they will refer you for an ultrasound if there isn't one. Which is code for, "if we don't hear it, there's a possibility something bad has happened."

The student midwife put the Doppler on - first we heard my blood flow, a slow lub-dub. She moved away from that, and then just for a moment we got the rapid pace of the baby's heart. It ducked away and they found it again, and we listened for a good minute. Such a wonderful sound - and nice and fast as it should be at 148 beats.

Boo

Damn - I have the flu. I thought my flu shot had protected me, but it's here in classic form, nausea, vomiting, low-grade fever, sore throat, dry cough, aches and pains.

I hate being sick and pregnant - just one more thing to worry about.

I wish I could think of something intelligent but my mind is mush.

Pangs

I just called and turned down the clerkship. I told them I was pregnant. I am having some serious pangs. Part of it is just, what if I've turned down this amazing opportunity and something goes wrong between now and then? But all things happen for a reason, right? I am not meant to take it. Must remind myself that.

I have been having serious heart palpitations lately. Apparently it's a preggo thing, but my midwife seemed a bit concerned when I told her my pulse literally stopped for a second or two. "It's probably normal, but you might want to see your G.P., since it is your heart." My G.P. was very understanding and nice and told me that progesterone is an arrhythmic agent. good thing I'd done some Googling beforehand because I actually understood what that meant. I had some bloodwork to check thyroid and hemoglobin just in case; oh and I got an echocardiogram, "just as a baseline." But she assured me I was not about to drop dead of a heart attack, which is always nice to know. Since I got no call, I guess I'm all good.

The Break

Ah spring break. For some reason, I thought it would be a brilliant idea to paint our entire place in preparation for selling it. Since our place is essentially one room, (and our bathroom is still in disarray from recent renos) our place is a gigantic mess. So it isn't turning out to be a terribly relaxing break. And of course there's the little matter of school work - I am supposed to be doing some.

We have our first prenatal appointment later today, which is very exciting. I am hoping we can hear heartbeat on the doppler, but I guess they may not try it if I am still too early.

The cat is doing a little better. She purrs and jumps on the bed and moves around and doesn't appear to be in any pain. She is usually relatively recalcitrant and moody when anything is off in her little universe, so I think it will show when she is ready to go. She is taking steroids and this could shrink her tumour temporarily and give her a little more time. I am worried that her time will come when I am away next wee, but I hope she lasts until I get home again. D will have to pill her, which I know will be a challenge.

My moods are all over the place - happy, then tearful. But more happy than tearful.