Post-Baby Body

I consider myself pretty lucky with the post-childbirth body. I had no nasty tears; everything "down there" pretty much returned to normal. I'm actually about 10lb thinner post-baby, which seems to be the case with a lot of mothers who, like me, breastfeed until their child is eleventy-hundred years old. Speaking of which, saggy breastfeeding boobs? Not here! They look as good as ever, maybe better. Being an A-cup to start probably helped. (Mind you, I suppose this could change when breastfeeding stops completely.) And while my stomach isn't as flat as it once was, it's nothing to complain about. I have no shame sporting a bikini when I'm at the beach.

But every once in a while I get a reminder that pushing a baby out does have a lasting effect. Tonight it was the trampoline that did me in. Hopped up on it at a party, started bouncing, and promptly peed myself. And I didn't even have to go! Thank God I was wearing dark jeans.

Mud

I recently bought a sand and water table for little man. It was the first GINORMOUS plastic toy we have bought, and I kind of have a love hate relationship with it. Note - that picture is not of LM - it's of some other impeccably dressed children who are cheerily playing together and NOT dumping any of the sand on the ground. Seriously, this photo must have been snapped about 30 seconds into the photoshoot. Also, whoever christened this toy did not have a toddler. If they did they would have known that the name "mud table" is far more apt.

Sleep - I got a nice comment recently thanking me for my sleep posts, which made me feel good, because most of the time I feel horribly delinquent after writing them. (I would link the commenter, but I don't believe his blog is being updated, unless he is posting elsewhere?) I have come to the sad conclusion that LM just does not need as much sleep as the average human. I know Weissbluth would vehemently deny such a possibility, and tell me all would be solved by LM just going to bed earlier. But I think I'm right. My dad was like that - he could wake at 4:30 and function wonderfully all day. My older brother was too, as an infant. I am most definitely not like that. I'd love to sleep 10 hours a day if I had the time. The last few nights he has "slept through the night", 9 to 5. What is that, like 8 hours of sleep? I shudder to think - both for his sake, and mine. After 5, he will go back to sleep but only with us. It's impossible to get him back down in his crib then. But we are reclaiming some sense of an evening, and some consecutive hours of sleep, which is nice.

Health scare - thank God it seems to be nothing, but will be monitored. Hooray! I take nothing for granted these days. Well, that's hyperbole. Almost everyone takes most things for granted. But I'm trying to take fewer things for granted.

Highs and Lows

I am such a bad blogger lately. Did I mention that I am now officially a lawyer? I am waiting for my gowns to arrive right now, and I even have a few court dates lined up to wear them to! Very exciting. Maybe if you're very, very good I could be convinced to post some pictures of me in my "court dress", incognito of course.

In other, not so good, news, D found a lump and is now in a rush to get to the doctor and make sure it's not, um, bad. I can't even deal with that possibility right now. I'm sure it's probably nothing, right? Reminds me, I should be doing my monthly breast exams. And so should you! (Well, most of you at least)

I Never Felt So Wicked as When I Willed Our Love to Die

There is a lot swirling around in my brain right now and if it weren't close to bedtime just before the start of another busy week (and the end of a very busy weekend) I'd probably write more.

My first thoughts are around how death brings out the worst in some people. There is at least one vulture already on the horizon, squawking about inheritance and attempting to get her greedy little claws into everything. My aunt is not even dead yet and this carrion eater is circling. She's telling everyone what a huge inheritance she stands to get and is also complaining about how my aunt is "wasting money" by not cancelling her car insurance and gym membership. Yeah, I'm sure that's top of mind when you're in the hospital dying because you have 19 brain tumours. The vulture is also telling people my aunt is a millionaire, which is so far from the truth it's laughable. This cousin has always had a sense of twisted entitlement - a sense that had a rough ride and everyone else has it easy...and (this is important) because of this they owe her something. The fact that she thinks my aunt is rich just demonstrates that delusion. The capper is my aunt and this girl didn't speak for a year before her death because this cousin picked a huge fight and refused to speak to her, although they did reconcile in the past month or so.

Also, my aunt - god it's so fucking awful. I won't write more than that.

Number three - this is so stupid - I got in a fight over a parking spot tonight. Some cow left a note on my car telling me not to park in front of her house. So I went to her house and knocked with a note saying unless she can show me documents indicating she owns the street I'll park wherever the goddamn hell I please. Let me add I was parked in a LEGAL SPOT for about 2 hours because I was at a friend's. It's not like I parked my junker for three days in front of her driveway. She came out on the street and started yelling at me - it was hilarious actually, although I did feel kind of bad strapping LM into his carseat as crazy lady yelled at me. You know what I hate? Note culture. I hate people who leave notes or send e-mails to deal with ridiculous situations. Talk to your f*cking neighbours please. Okay, I admit I didn't handle the situation as well as I could have and I'm lucky it didn't go (even more) sideways. Watch the police show up at my place because crazy lady reports my license plate. But you know what? It was really cathartic.

But not everything going on in my head is super depressing - in the past couple of days I've had some major realisations about what I want to do that are quite exciting. I'm contemplating hiring a life coach, which seems sort of new agey but I've got a couple of friends who have done with great success. I am going to set a goal - working for myself by 2010, doing legal education, giving back to the community, working with women and youth and individuals. I haven't got it all worked out in my mind - in fact nowhere close - but I've got to start a brainstorming process that involves more of a goal than just "Put in time at big firm." This situation with my aunt has been tough, but if there's one thing I'm learning it's that sometimes the present is a good place to be, and I need to make the most of it.

Nigh

I've been crying wolf on this for months now, but the end is nigh for my aunt. The last few months have been constant crisis and it's all now sinking in. I know so many people wish for more time, and this is horribly awful, but sometimes I wish we'd had less. Finding her losing use of her limbs? unable to get out of bed? Not a good day. Finding her unable to get up to use the toilet? Not a good day. Several months of being completely immobile and housebound? Not great. Having to be cared for by strangers, albeit very patient, nice ones? Losing her sight, her appetite, her ability to have a conversation. Being left alone in hospice care while most of her family (i.e. us) went to a wedding for 10 days. Listening over and over and over to those damn healing tapes that tell you that if you just think positive it will get better. Forgetting words, being told you have to give away your dog, having all these colleagues you haven't seen in years come to gawk at you in your hospital gown, lying in bed for hours on end. Yeah, it hasn't been a great few months.

Good Times

Me = laziest blogger evah.

Still battling the sick, both me and LM. Did you know that sinus pain could cause you to have horrendous toothaches that made you want to pull said molars out? Me either. I learned this after showing up at my dentist begging for a root canal. Sadly, he did not oblige. Word to the wise - decongestant + tylenol + snorting salt water (yeah, you heard me) really helps. I thought about going to the doc but I found a NYT article that said that antibiotics don't abbreviate sinus infections, so I figured I'd avoid a morning off work, the cost of a prescription and the potential for cultivating drug-resistant bacteria.

In other exciting news, I got hired back. Happened a few days before more horrendous doom and gloom headlines about our economy, which was probably fortuitous. As you might recall my articles are up in a few months and then the firm has to make the decision to have me back. I confess, I was not losing sleep over it as I was feeling fairlye confident that they like me. But in these terrible times, it's anyone's guess. I don't know any lawyers who have been laid off personally, but I hear it is happening at places across the city. So it was very nice that the decision was made quickly, early and there didn't appear to be too much angst about it all. I think the hire still has to officially be okayed by head office, but I was told that was just a formality.

I'm going to be doing mainly litigation, but some corporate as they lost a corporate person and have some folks leaving on maternity leave. However, it was promised to me that I don't have to do any banking work since that makes me want to poke my eyes out. I think when I told them that, I phrased it a bit more diplomatically but I get absolutely no satisfaction from assisting people to move money around between various corporations, half of which don't even have real names. So much of it is motivated by tax reasons that I don't understand so it's all sort of random and abstract. Admittedly, some of the litigation files I work on are equally process-oriented and tedious, but at least I have a better sense of why we're doing it.

It's funny the guy who actually hired me into his "group" isn't someone I've done a massive amount of work for. But just before Christmas he asked me for help on a biggish project. It was one of the very few nights I stayed at the office ridiculously late (because I didn't want to come in over the weekend) and toiled away. I guess he liked what he saw. I'm sure that wasn't the only thing that got me hired back, but I bet it helped. So it just goes to show... well I'm not really sure what it goes to show. Maybe something like: You never know who's going to be the one to make the decision, so don't start coasting part-way through your articles. On the other hand, don't kill yourself either. I leave around 5 most days, and I still got hired back. My hours are respectable though nothing to write home about. I'll work late if it needs to be done for a deadline, but not just for the sake of being there. And if I can, I prefer to be home for a couple of hours with LM then get back on the computer once he's in bed.

In any case I'm quite pleased at how things are turning out. I'm really lucky to be at a "national" firm and yet because we're a small office, we still have the flexibility and informality of a much smaller firm.

This weekend my goal is to do very few errands - so when LM wakes up from his nap, I will not clean the house. Instead, the three of us will go out for a nice brunch. And tonight is a long-awaited date night - I haven't been to the movies since we saw Batman six months ago.

Sick LM

Picked up LM this afternoon and he was fussy and clingy... I brought him home and I was trying to cook and locate a stick of ginger I keep in the freezer (last forever in there and is easy to grate) when all of a sudden he looked at me and then wretched all down my sweater. I realised how hot he was and took his temperature to find it was 101... poor little thing. He just wanted to sit on my lap and cuddle, all warm and wriggly. The poor child is constantly battling some cough or cold. I'd blame daycare, except it was like this before he was in it. In the past three months he's had three separate mysterious rash diseases, one of which turned out to be "slapped cheek." Anyway I'm feeling very sorry for the hot little body all frog positioned in my bed right now and am wishing there was something I could do to make him feel better.

TMI

I should write some fabulous post about the Christmas we had, and how wonderful it was (and it was.) But tonight's post is about how 15 months after birth, I finally got my period back! I was starting to think it wouldn't happen until LM was fully weaned but it showed up today in all its glory... welcome back old friend. Because we're in the middle of a colossal snow storm, I had to call my Little Brother and ask him to pick up tampons for me on the way here. Yay for new age men. He even asked which brand... and better yet, actually BOUGHT the right brand. I realised I had no idea what stores even carry, because I haven't had to buy tampons in over 2 years.

Don't know whether it's a coincidence or not (probably not), but I've had mad baby fever lately. It's too soon though - must remember that. Need to work a little longer. But oh, wouldn't it be nice to drag all those itty-bitty clothes out of the basement and get them all set up for someone new?

Scattered Leaves

I know there are people out there who say they do no chores after their kids go to bed. I cannot understand how that works! If I didn't do chores after LM went to bed, our house would be disgusting - well, let me qualify that - even more disgusting.

Our usual routine is that one of us gets home at 5:15 with him. When it's D he's really productive and usually makes dinner. When it's me, I usually just get to the defrost something stage. I attribute that to the fact that LM is much more clingy with me, and also that I have a far lower tolerance for just letting him fuss on the floor while I cook. I only get a couple of hours a day with him, so I like to cater to his wants rather than be the mean mummy.

When the other person gets home around 6 or 6:30, we finish up dinner together. After that we eat, hang out for a bit, and then one of us bathes him while the other cleans up from dinner. Bedtime for LM is work time for mum and dad. Just the every day (or every other day) tasks of changing the cat litter, sweeping up under the high chair, doing laundry, paying the odd bill, emptying the dishwasher, emptying the bath and putting away bath toys... they take so much damn time! I leave the major tasks to a cleaning lady who comes every other week but just the maintenance is crazy.

Not sure why I am stressing about this... I am in a bizarre mood because of a disturbing visit I had with my aunt this afternoon; she has metastatic c@ncer and she's in hospital after a bad incident. She wants to go home and we had a little dispute about the level of care she needs to do that. I guess because I am the lawyer-type person in the family, I was charged with helping her make some of these decisions. She wants to pay a friend to stay with her but I think that's unrealistic. Without going into detail, the level of care she needs at this point is a lot more than what a friend can provide. Do you ever want to stomp out of a difficult situation because you're just a kid and you shouldn't have to make these kinds of decisions? I do. And then I look at my driver's license and remember that I'm practically an old lady myself these days. Weird. I hate having to be the grown-up.

Oh, I want to thank you for the Christmas ideas - they were lovely and I will definitely use them. I also like the idea of just staying at home at Christmas, but it's complicated this year for a few reasons. D's parents will be in town, but not staying with us, so we have to go over to where they're staying for Christmas dinner... I wanted to host Christmas Eve, but my aunt cannot come here because she cannot manage the stairs. But we will preserve Christmas morning all to ourselves - definitely want LM's memories to be of waking in his own home and spending the day there.

And finally, I am a Dooce-whore and I totally bought this Christmas album solely because she recommended it. It's good if you're not a Christmas purist. It beats Stompin' Tom anyway - thought my mother was going to lose it when we started playing that at dinner last night.

Morbid Game

D and I were just playing the "what would you do if you only had six weeks to live?" game. And we're not talking the six weeks of health, where you can flit off on the trip of a lifetime to Zanzibar, but where you are dying and sick.

His suggestions were:

1. Snuggle LM
2. Fly family out to spend time with him
3. Spend time outside as much as possible
4. Eat good food and great wine
5. Work as much as possible and do more powerpoint presentations (errr... not)

Mine were:

1. Snuggle LM, and keep him up really late, and let him fall asleep in my arms always
2. Go to yoga or meditation as I could
3. Get massages, pedicures and manicures and spa treatments
4. Get my hair done so I look great
5. Spend time in the country or go stay there

I can think of dozens more things, and many that would be higher on the list than those five or six, but that's not the point of the exercise. It was more about the first things that popped into our heads.

The sad thing is, I don't think you really get that chance. You never know you have a perfect six weeks. You're told six months, and it's only a month, or you're told a month and it's a year. Or you're not really told anything at all except that things aren't looking real good. You're in denial, you're angry, you're frightened, you hope against all hope it doesn't happen. I don't think many people just sit back and ponder about the meaning of life and make amends to all their old friends and leave hundreds of letters with advice to their children. There was a woman on Oprah who did that, but I suspect she is in a very teensy minority of people who keep their head about them. I think most people are desperate and scared.

Despite the horrid prognosis faced by my aunt, she had resolved that she would "beat" this thing... but the bad news keeps piling up. Today it was about more cancer... all over the body. I'm not supposed to know that yet. Probably the braver thing would be to admit that I do know and call her and try to think of the right thing to say, but I'm afraid to. So I'm taking the easy way out and keeping up the I don't know charade for another day until I can absorb this. Don't judge me...

Formula

Work + everyone in the family being sick = dead tired.

I Am Not Dealing With This Very Well

I've had a lot of death in my life - one parent, three grandparents (the fourth died before I was born), 2 childhood friends, a pet, a miscarriage (not sure if that really counts, but hey.)

But still, I have no idea what to say. I am not coping well with the shaky handwriting on the card, the feebleness, the realisation that this may the last birthday that she'll be here, the last holiday...

I am irritated that my mother is going out of town for three weeks. I think it's a monumentally bad idea. But on the other hand if she stays, it will upset my aunt because she will know it's because we think she doesn't have much time. Crap, this stuff is so hard. But I guess I should just suck it up, because right now it's not really about me.

Bad News

Confirmation today that the cancer has spread to the brain. Not a good thing. A quick Google search on this is not at all optimistic. I'm not sure if my aunt will even make it out of the hospital. Went to see her today and it only sunk in then.

"I always thought I'd live forever," she said.

"Well, you still might" I said, voice wavering.

"I don't think so," she said.

I'm just feeling this hideous guilt too, that I didn't do more for her, see her more this year while I've been at home. She loves LM and always wanted to babysit, but I only really arranged that she do so once. I should have taken him over more, I should have gone there myself. The last time I saw her she was dropping off a housewarming gift and she wanted to chat; we sat in the backyard for a while but I was in a rush to do an errand before leaving town and I was glancing at my watch. Why didn't I just tell her more often that she meant a lot to me? And what can I do now to make up for it?

Mostly a Good Day

One of the best things about this sleep thing has been how much less stressful bedtime has become! Instead of bursting out of the room in frustration to say "I can't take it! Your turn!" D and I now argue over who gets to do it. "No, it's my special time!"

Naps are not quite as relaxing - apparently they take longer, and Little Man fusses a bit when we put him in, so that's not as fun. But the amazing thing is, he eventually gets to sleep every time... no more, "he looks tired, he acts tired, he sounds tired, but he won't sleep!"

Part of me wishes I'd done this five months ago, but actually, no regrets really.

I had such a delicious moment in the shower this morning; I was just so happy I couldn't stop smiling. I'm not sure why, except that I knew I had a perfect day ahead to spend with my two favourite people. We went to the local farmer's market and ate loads of delicious fruit, then organised the house a bit, web-cammed with my older brother and walked around the neighbourhood. Perfection.

There was one major jolt in my day - my aunt is very ill. She has been undergoing intense chemo and radiation for cancer, but her chances seem very good. However, several days ago she lost feeling in one hand, or so she said. I haven't seen her but it seems she may have lost more than that - according to my mother her whole side seems affected. The cancer centre and her GP were apparently nonplussed and booked a CT scan for several days from now. When I heard that she might wait more than a week, I was appalled. I advised my mother to take her to the emergency room, which she has since done. My aunt is not at all aggressive about advocating for herself or taking care of herself and so I imagine she may have downplayed it quite a bit so that it sounded more like nerve damage than what we think it might be - a stroke (or worse). The emergency room doctors appear to be taking it seriously (FINALLY!) and I am waiting to hear news. In the meantime if you have any spare vibes or prayers or anything please send them her way.

Puff Piece

I a currently being Bad Mummy - feeding LM pieces of my Clif Bar. I think having an older child is going to force me to improve my eating habits - now that he demands what I'm eating I can't very well have graham crackers for lunch. On the bright side, having a child who eats table food is also great. Yesterday I grabbed an impromptu sushi dinner and I hadn't packed any proper food for him but he happily munched away on gyoza and edamame beans. Mmmm.

Speaking of food, the naturopath is having me cut out dairy for LM as she thinks he might be allergic and that may be what's causing his cough/constant mucousyness. She hinted that wheat might also be a cause but we'll start with dairy. On the one hand, I am skeptical because with the exception of things like milk protein allergies and celiac disease, I find it hard to believe that so many of us are sensitive to things that have been staples of Western diet for so long. On the other hand, it's true that his cold/flus have been much worse since I started making yoghurt and cheese a major part of his diet. I'll try anything if it might help but I am going to have to get creative now in term in deciding what protein to feed him. I also have figure out something to do with all the frozen papaya-cottage cheese cubes and the cheesy chicken puree I made last weekend. Shit... I just realised Clif Bars "may contain" milk products.

And since you asked, the sleep stuff is going extremely well! The night before last he slept 10 hours straight in his crib... it was thrilling. Last night he regressed a bit and was up again three times, but was very easy to get back to sleep. The consultant had warned us that there would likely be regression on night four of the no nursing portion of our plan (weird, how did she know?) It's funny how you get greedy - initially I said "if we could just get him down to two night wakings." But now that he's done it, I'm all "when will he sleep through again???!" I do miss our nighttime cuddles, but we have a nice long skin-to-skin nursing session in the morning, which we never did before since he was snacking all night so that's a pretty good substitute.

The consultant also developed a schedule for me during the day to help him adjust to daycare since at daycare the kids take a long nap in the afternoon. Obviously the daycare provider will be flexible with LM since he's still small, but it would be easier if he gets on that schedule since they go out in the mornings. So right now I let him nap just a half-hour in the a.m. and then put him down for a longer nap in the afternoon. For the first time he is taking an afternoon nap that lasts more than 45 minutes.

I'm not sure he is entirely ready for such a short morning nap as he gets very tired and cranky. And if I'm out between 11 and 12 (prime errand time) and he happens to be in the stroller, the carrier or the car seat there's just no way to keep him awake, or even rouse him. But the afternoons are awesome and since it's my last week "off" I'm using my spare time not to clean up, do house stuff or sleep but rather to lazily watch dozens of episodes of Sex and the City. I bought them at the start of my meat leave when I assumed I'd have all this free time while he napped and played by himself (ha ha ha!)

Anyway I am even a teensy bit excited to go back to work - or at least to buy lots of glamourous office clothes and new lipstick! I can tell I'm not 100% in work mode quite yet though - I was looking at bags yesterday for work to carry papers/laptop and the one I ended up (this one, was much cheaper at the store than online) looks professional but also doubles as a diaper-bag complete with a wipes container, and wet bag. I was hesistant to get a purple bag since I have a red winter coat, but the salesgirl assured me that red and purple go really well together and in fact they "need to be worn together more often". So I pretty much had an obligation to buy it. It's so much hipper than the diaper bag I have now that I wish I'd splurged months ago; then again it's probably much easier to convince D to carry a red canvas SkipHop bag than the "Paltrow" in plum.

Remedies

Well we still haven't implemented our sleep plan because we're away on vacation (hence the lack of posts). It's wonderful - I'm listening to the rain right now and staring at the ocean mere metres away from my window. I think I may even have a glass of wine.

And miracle of miracles, LM's sleep has improved tremendously. I don't know if it's the sea air, the white noise machine, the darker room, the change of environment or what - but I'll take it! He's now taking a short morning nap and a nice long afternoon one, and sleeping a good four or five hours before his first wake-up. It's heavenly. So I'm hoping (and praying I don't jinx myself) that this all means that he is ready to go through the very gradual program we have planned for when we get back.

He's got another fever tonight. Perhaps it's my anxiety over going back to work, but it does worry me. Before we hired the sleep consultant I took him to a naturopath. It was partly because I figured maybe she'd have some suggestions and I could rule out any other causes of his sleep issues. But the main reason I went was because he has had a cough (one of several he's had in his life) for over a month and he has these wretched little fevers every couple of weeks. He's healthy and thriving in every other way and there doesn't appear to be any traditional medical cause, so I guess it's just a part of babyhood, but I do find it stressful. The naturopath gave me some fabulous diaper rash cream that works wonders and some supplements that appear to have cleared up the cradle cap he's had for months, but the cough is still there.

Advice Please Mamas!

Gah - Little Man STILL has a fever. It's really stressing me out. I took him to the doctor today again. Our doctor was away - but because we were in a pinch, D's doctor was able to squeeze us in. He is extremely sweet and has loads of time for you - very old school. His baby handling was rather old school as well. He spoke very gently and sweetly to LM, but at the same time had me physically restrain him with his arms above his head while he looked in his ears and so on. LM was NOT impressed. I probably wouldn't have thought much of it except that the approach of the jeans-wearing ER doc was so different - all about distraction and playing while he took a look. Anyway, LM survived unscathed and the doctor reassured me that it was a viral thing, recommended against antibiotics (which is great, I don't want them if they're not needed) and allayed my fears about worse things.

Still, I can't help but worry. The child is so utterly lethargic. He slept until 8 a.m. (he's usually up at 6). I woke him because I was starting to worry. Then he catnapped in my arms and in the car until we headed to the doctor. From 11 to 1 he snoozed restlessly while pressed against me on the bed, nursing and whining. Then the phone rang and he woke up. I took him to the park to get some fresh air and offered him some solids, which he declined. At 2 he fell asleep again. You have to understand, LM is a child who resists sleep with every bone in his body and I'm usually lucky to get two and a half hours out him between 6 a.m. and bedtime. I'm so worried about it!

So to other mothers (or fathers or child-experienced people), does this sound normal? Does it sound typical of roseola (aka sixth disease), which is what I'm hoping this is?

Childcare and Running Triumphs

Thanks for all the daycare advice and wisdom. So to elaborate a bit more, a nanny share is basically hiring a nanny to look after your child and also the child of another family. Some people also talk about nanny sharing as in you'd have the nanny 1/2 the time, and the other family 1/2 the time, thereby providing full-time employment, but the way we want to do it is to actually have the nanny take care of both children. Hence the need to find another family with a child of similar-ish age, and preferably living nearby. Most of my mommy friends aren't that close by or aren't planning full-time work.

I haven't totally ruled out putting him in an unlicensed daycare situation (licensed day care being far too difficult to get into), but I feel like a nanny will provide us with more flexibility. Also, he's pretty used to being attended to by one person so I'm not sure how a daycare would deal with his peccadilloes - I can't imagine him napping easily for example. Perhaps I am underestimating him and he'd adjust just fine. But regardless, the cost is surprisingly comparable and it is far more convenient, so I'm leaning towards nanny-sharing. I'll probably go through an agency or referral service to hire the nanny, or else rely on word of mouth. The advantage to the agency scenario is they guarantee you someone who will remain with you at least a year and I know my friend who has hired via Craig's List seems to have a rapid rate of turnover - but I'm glad to hear that can be successful, and I won't rule it out. Unfortunately (but logically) most people looking for work want to be hired fairly immediately, so scarily this part of the arrangement will have to be a bit more last-minute.

In other news, I ran my first half-marathon this weekend. I didn't have an amazing time, but I was able to run the entire 22.1 kilometres (doing 10s and 1s, as is my practice) without any unscheduled breaks, despite some rather nasty hills near the end. It was a tough course, but it was a lot of fun. An hour and a half into I was still feeling great, loving the scenery and the camaraderie of the other racers. A wave of nausea and fatigue hit me near the end, but a carbo gel pack (disgusting tasting) got me through and I hit the finish line with D and LM cheering me on. LM wasn't literally cheering of course, but he did like the medal I got and promptly grabbed it from me to put in his mouth.

In conclusion, I leave you with a photo. I was trying to capture his two new teeth; he wouldn't cooperate by opening his mouth at the appropriate angle, so I didn't get them, but I did get the lashes. Are they not insane?

Cold Season

I have the flu, or a bad cold, or something. A really sore throat, nausea, fatigue, no voice. LM has it too, or at least has a terribly cough... again. And so I called D home from work to take him and I rested all day. Which really means I got a little sleep, watched some bad TV and made some baby food in peace while they were out. (Aside - I have decided that shelling fresh peas to puree them is above and beyond the call of motherly duty - so not worth the effort. And he didn't even like them that much. Bah.) Pea frustration aside, it was heavenly - why do I have to be sick to enjoy that?

Now I'd really like to just chill in bed reading, but I can't because LM is asleep in there. And I'd really, really love to sleep in tomorrow. But I can't, for like, the next 7 years. And I know I'm going to be up in an hour or MAYBE two, with a crying baby, desperately hoping to get him back to sleep before he wakes up so much that he just won't.

He is lucky he is so darn cute.

No Sissies Get Your Love

I've noticed that a lot of the mothers I meet have this tendency to brush it off when their babies cry from pain. For example, if a baby falls on his face and starts to cry, his mother will just say "You're fine, it was nothing" and distract him instead of giving him a kiss or a hug. I've seen it happen many times, and I must say, I think it's really weird. When their babies cry from hunger, fatigue or other reasons, they are clearly affected and respond immediately, so I find their reaction in those situations really interesting.

I understand the desire not to make a big deal out of injuries. A couple of times I've failed to catch LM before he topples from his still wobbly sitting position (we have hardwood floors, so I have to do a lot of catching). When that happens, I try to wait and gauge his reaction before assuming he's hurt. About half the time he recovers just fine. But the other half of the time he does cry and I assume he is genuinely sore or at the very least, unpleasantly surprised. So I pick him up and give him a hug until he stops crying or calms down a bit.

If the child is upset and in pain, what's the harm in offering some comfort and validating the feelings. If I stubbed my toe and screamed "Damn, f*ck, damn" I'd would be pretty pissed if D said "You're fine, you're fine, it was nothing." I suppose the fear is that the child will become a crybaby and will cry for a reaction. I'm not sure if that fear is unfounded or not. I have a very distinct memory from around age 5, of falling and skinning my knee. I got up and examined the wound. Then I noticed my mother across the grass and started crying. It was almost as if it didn't hurt until I saw her.

Now maybe I was crying for reaction or maybe it was delayed pain. I'm sure if she hadn't been there, I'd have recovered on my own. But even if that is so, who cares? It hasn't made my pain threshold remarkably low, or made me incapable of recovering on my own from injuries I got as adult. Hell, I went to my junior prom right after tearing several ligaments in my wrist. I pushed a baby out without drugs. I wrote my corps exam with an all-out migraine (didn't get a very good mark, mind you). Besides, as a child, is there anything more delicious than melting into your parent's arms when you've hurt yourself?

Sleep Strategies

Sleep is such a polarising issue with parents. Everyone has an opinion. Just today my dentist, completely unsolicited, told me that Ferberizing his kids was the way to go - best decision ever. His hygienist even wrote the name of the book down for me. And "How he's sleeping?" is always the first question people ask. I ask it too... it's just one of those dumb things you say when you can't think of anything else to ask about.

Anyway, I decided early that I wouldn't try to worry about getting Little Man sleeping through the night because it's normal for them to wake a lot and parenting doesn't end at bedtime and all that other rhetoric. Nonetheless, at three months I found myself a little sleep-obsessed when LM was getting up almost every hour, or every two. And he was refusing to nap except in our arms. And he screamed every time we put him near his crib and could only get him to fall asleep in our bed with us in it. That's okay at night, but not exactly safe during the day.

His schedule was approximately this: wake at seven-thirty, be up for the day with a few catnaps here and there - in the carrier, the car seat, on me; occasionally he'd nap in his crib if we put him there after he fell asleep but he'd wake after 20 minutes. Then to bed at 7:30 where I nursed him to sleep. He'd then wake frequently between then and my bedtime. For a while it worked to just comfort him, but after a while he wouldn't calm down unless I nursed him again. That habit was starting to get trying because it meant D couldn't put him back to sleep.

So I decided to try and figure out some options. It seems like there are two major schools of sleep and anyone on a mom's message board will give you one of two pieces of advice: "Let 'em cry" or "Do whatever it takes - you're the one who signed up for this job." After scraping my car against a stationary post, collapsing in tears a couple of times, and just feeling utterly exhausted I decided sleep deprivation is not conducive to good parenting so "whatever it takes" just wasn't working. One day I was so frustrated I just left the room and let him cry for 15 minutes while I stood in the shower, drowning out his cries. It seems pretty silly in retrospect, but when you're so incredibly tired, these molehills become mountains. I resented him for not "letting" me have a break. Which is ridiculous. When I realised that, I decided a little sleep strategising was a whole lot better than the status quo.

I figured I'd start with naps, and hope the rest followed. I tried a technique I found on a website called "Pick-Up/Put-D*wn". I must admit I think it originates in the Baby Wh1sperer, a book I'm not overly fond of because it says by Day 2 or 3 you should put baby on a schedule and quit demand feeding. I can only imagine that approach leads to major supply issues if you are breastfeeding. Despite those origins, I was desperate for at least a nice three-hour stretch at night and maybe a little downtime during the day so I decided to try it.

The "technique" was this: put him in the crib, when he cries (which in LM's case happened almost before you put him down), pick him up. When he stops, put him down again. (Note: I think the "technique" only works if by picking them up you can get them to stop within a relatively short period of time.) If you read the rationale in the Baby Wh1sperer for doing this, it's really annoying: something about how you should meet your baby's need but do no more. Luckily I didn't read that before trying, but to me it did seem to be a reasonable way to get him to understand that the crib is safe, mummy comes when you need her, but it's okay to sleep there.

So I tried the "method": picking up and putting down for 40 minutes. The minute I lowered him in the crib, he'd cry. I'd rub him and say "Sleepytime!" Then when he didn't stop, I'd pick him up again. The picking up did calm him and eventually he was so tired he'd doze off in my arms. When he did that I'd put him down again. Finally he relented, and fell asleep in the crib. For 20 minutes. Still, better than nothing.

Day 1, Nap 2: We did it again, and it was another 30 minutes of up and down; he fell asleep. At night I did my usual routine and put him in our bed since I decided only to do the crib thing when I could afford to be consistent, and I wasn't committing to consistency at 3 a.m.

Day 2, Nap 1: He settles in crib without a fuss. He slept for 45 minutes. Knock me over with a feather. Nap 2: Minor fussing, some pick-ups, some put-downs, he finally settles in about 5 minutes.

Blah blah blah - 2 weeks later, he settles in his crib pretty easily for all naps - 3 to 4 a day which range from 40 minutes to two hours (sometimes with a nursing break in between). There has been some back-tracking, like when he won't settle for 5 or 6 minutes. But that's just SOOO much better than the 45 minutes D and I used to have to spend rocking him only to have him wake up the minute we put him down. If I "catch" him early enough he'll just drift off with just a few pats on the tummy.

As for nights, as I suspected, more sleep in the day has led to better nighttimes. All babies have light sleep cycles, and I think whenever LM stirred, instead of just dozing off again he became freaked out that I wasn't there. So he'd demand to nurse. He always slept better in the bed with me, as opposed to the bed or crib alone, which backs up this theory. But since he got used to falling asleep in the crib, he doesn't need to nurse each and every time he enters a new sleep cycle and generally only "calls" me when he is hungry - which means occasionally I even get a 5-hour stretch. I also did a little detective work on those wakings and realised some of them were gas-related. A daily dose of probiotics has helped that problem quite a bit.

So that's my story... despite or perhaps because of nearly falling into the "crying-it-out" trap, I'm still vehemently opposed to the traditional "letting him cry." There was some crying involved in the method (though depending on the temperament of your baby there might not be - LM has always been quick to cry.) But I'd like to think it was a lot less traumatic since he was being comforted through it all. The idea of walking away from a crying baby is still pretty repugnant to me. After all, I trained him to fall asleep in my arms and to need to be close to me. And I don't regret that one bit - I love nursing him to sleep and I love occasionally having him in the bed and I still do both. But there are ways, that will probably be different for different babies, of diversifying your get-to-sleep options.

My copy of "No-Cry Sleep Solution" came into the library this week; some of my ideas were gleaned from that website so I'm hoping reading the book will help me deal with future issues as they arise. I'm sure this isn't the last sleep post I'll write, but I hope it's the last one for a little while.

IUD

I had an IUD put in yesterday. I thought I'd write about it since I hadn't any idea what to expect and knew no one else who's ever had one, or at least, no one close enough to have shared.

So in Canada (and, I presume, elsewhere) there are two types - copper and hormonal. The hormonal one sends small doses of hormones (one-fifth of what's in the pill) to your uterus/ovaries and impedes ovulation and implantation. The copper one kills sperm and impedes implantation. The copper one has a 99% success rate*, the hormonal slightly higher. The side-effects of copper are heavy periods for the first few months. The side effects of hormonal are lighter or possibly no periods (which could be a bonus for some!)

I opted for copper because I'm not comfortable taking hormones, even low doses, while breastfeeding. Not sure why exactly - I'm just not. Also, the Pill really affected my sex drive, so I prefer just to be off hormones completely. Besides, I figured that even though the hormonal is slightly more reliable (99.9% apparently*), the copper IUD is still more reliable than the Pill, or at least, the Pill with normal usage. And since I'm not getting a period right now, heavy periods isn't much of an issue for me. That said, hormonal IUDs are said to be safe during breastfeeding.

My doctor referred me to a clinic to have it inserted. The doctor there does lots of IUDs. I went in, took off my pants, hiked my legs up into the stirrups and away we went! She started, well, probing, and explained she was doing some freezing. I didn't feel anything more than I do with a PAP. Then she inserted the IUD. There was a brief twinge of pain then; I'd say it was similar to the pain of an early labour contraction, or maybe similar to the pain of an injection. But it lasted just a second - like by the time I could have said "ouch" it was over. She checked the IUD's position with an ultrasound and said it looked great. We exchanged pleasantries; I was as pleasant as I could be knowing she'd just had a full-on view of my vagina. I pulled up my pants, paid my $35 for the device (the copper ones are also a lot cheaper; range from $35 to $80 versus $350 to $400) and was on my way.

After that I was a bit menstrual crampy for the evening (had it inserted at 6 p.m.). I took a couple of acetaminophen (no ibuprofen on hand) and was fine. I also had some bleeding - and they didn't offer me a pad which was kind of annoying! I hadn't thought to bring one... actually I had one in my diaper bag but I forgot I did. I'm still spotting very lightly, but just a pantiliner's worth.

So that's it! I go back in six weeks to make sure it hasn't fallen out because they are occasionally rejected in the first few weeks; although she said that the only time it would fall out without me knowing was during a period (which so far, I don't get). And it's effective immediately.

So far so good - a highly effective, dirt cheap, non-hormonal birth control that I never have to think about - except in five years if it needs to be replaced, or before then if I remove it to further our baby-making adventures! You can start trying right after it's removed, and you do not need to have given birth already to have one inserted. Why on Earth are these things not more common?

Speaking of birth control, the baby calls again!

*(Note - those stats come from the handout I got at the clinic and are similar to what I came across browsing around the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists web page; I have not looked at original sources.)

Today I Am Thankful For

First and foremost, my healthy and beautiful son. Motherhood is the hardest and the easiest thing ever. So much of it is so basic, so filled with unconditional love that it's easy to do; the hard part is hoping and wishing and trying your best at some of the mysterious parts - the unexplained cries, the 4 a.m. freak-outs. Adventures with Little Man make we want 10 children, but if this is the only chance fate grants me, I know I am exceedingly blessed.

My partner, D, without whom I would be only half of a whole; parenthood is one challenge it is fun to face together, and as with so many other parts of our relationship, I think we have some complementary skills. And we have lots of faith in each other, despite mutual moments of self-doubt and an undoubted diminishment of 'us' time.

My wacky and wonderful family who have showered us with support and love.

The beautiful city and country that I live in where I have security and resources that most of the world does not.

Singing the Blues

Motherhood really is so much more than I imagined. I never would have guessed the intensity of feelings I have for Little Man. I was calling him Baby A for a while, but I think now he will be known as LM for Little Man, because that is what D calls him constantly. And he does have that wizened newborn look, like a very old soul in a very small body. He furrows his brows in the most adorable way, or sometimes his eyebrows rise up as though he's discovered something truly amazing while sleeping. He gets these amazing sleep grins, though they occasionally turn into frowns, which are even sweeter. He also has hair, which for some reason I knew he would, even though both D and I were completely bald babies. I love that he has a little bit of hair.

I have had a bit of baby blues. I kind of anticipated that I would because I tend to be an emotional person, and long-times readers will know of my battles with anxiety et cetera. Mostly it happens in the evening when I am tired and he is being adorable. I just well up and cry with the intensity of feelings. I worry about something happening to him; I can't imagine how I'd go on! Strangely I also worry about something happening to me. Why would my adorable little baby do without his mama? Does this sound crazy?

And there is a sense of sadness that so many joyful moments, so long anticipated have now arrived. The birth was so intense and amazing, and now it's over. My care by my amazing midwives is winding down (well, I see them for another 5 weeks, but still.) I can't quite picture how the next year will be, being at home with him. Will I be lonely? I have few friends (read: one) with babies. Also, I worry about how it will be going back to work. How could I possibly leave him? And I can't believe the days that have already passed - have I savoured these moments enough? Time already seems to be racing past! I only have 11 months left at home!

The blues do seem to be getting better, having peaked on Day 4 or 5, when I think the hormones were just bottoming out. Maybe stability is coming back. I need to remind myself that the best is just beginning and that there are many, many incredibly loving and joyful moments up ahead. And there's a squirming little worm lying next to me right here to prove it.

Cold Shower

I am going to have a baby this month. Kind of blows my mind.

I am really going to miss my midwives' care. Appointments are long, and detailed, and I can take along family, doulas etc. Everything is explained and I am often there for 45 minutes just talking things through - although sometimes I have no questions and my visits are much shorter.

I had to go to my GP recently, and although she is a very nice person, it was just a bit of a cold shower after the great care I've been getting. For one, I was told I had to pee in a cup by the receptionist, which makes no sense, since I am under someone else's care, and they are the ones who test my pee. I was never told what for, or what they saw. At the midwife, they go over every test result, often showing the form that came back from the lab.

Then everything was rushed, and my GP didn't really seem to understand what I was asking for. (I wanted a prescription so that IV antibiotics for Group B Strep can be given to me at home during labour by the midwives.) She gave me some info that isn't entirely correct without really exploring with me why I was asking what I was. I didn't push her on it, so I basically wasted an hour of my day since I left without the 'script. She did offer to talk to my midwife about the request, which was nice, but I haven't heard anything since.

Anyway all this to say, I have a great GP, but the level of care I've been getting at the midwife makes me realise how broken the family medicine system can be. I am lucky to have a GP at all, so I know I shouldn't complain too much. And she has in the past been great about many things, and very sympathetic, so I don't mean to bash her.

It's interesting - as a lawyer we are taught that we present our client with their options, the benefits of each, but ultimately the choice is up to them. We tell them the law, and ways to proceed, but we don't make decisions for them. The midwife is the same way - she presents the options, gives the background information, but ultimately each and every choice is your own, though of course guidance and advice is given. But lots of times doctors don't have time to discuss the pros and cons of various options with you, nor do they give you the benefit of thinking that you might actually know a fair bit yourself. They just give you one possible solution, and if you don't like it, then you're stuck. Not all doctors are like this, I know... but most of the ones I've dealt with are - and I've seen a lot of doctors in my lifetime, especially in the past five years, and I also have a couple in my family, so I feel quite confident in saying that.

Anyway, I have a feeling that there will be many tears shed on the day of my last midwife visit, which is six weeks after birth. If I have this many questions as a pregnant woman, imagine how many I'll have when I'm a new mother. I wish I knew I was going somewhere where I'd be treated as I am at the midwife's.