20-something versus 30-something moms

There was an article in the Washington Post recently about the friction between 20-something college-educated parents and the 30-something parents who are the norm in their circles. The examples are hardly compelling: one of the 20-something mothers said she feels like they are "looking" at her, and that they must assume she's the babysitter. A younger father talks about it being "hard to connect" with other Dads; he says "One of them was wearing, like, a Rolling Stones type of sweat shirt. I like the Rolling Stones, but I didn't grow up with them. I can't say, 'Hey, let's go grab a cup of coffee,' ""

Well why the hell not if you want to have a coffee? Lame, lame, lame, lame.

I am, just barely, a 20-something mother. I look pretty young for my age; occasionally I am still carded - and remember the drinking age here is 19. (The haggard fatigue in my face has meant that hasn't happened in the last four months, but I like to think I still have a pretty youthful face.) I live in an apartment in a neighbourhood where there are mostly million-dollar homes, so understandably the families living in them typically are older than I am.

I don't have a single 20-something mommy friend. And yet, I have lots of mommy friends. I hang out with a PhD student, a university prof, a hair stylist, a lawyer, a web designer, a chartered accountant, a woman who works for non-profits. These first time mothers range in age from 30-40, which most of them being around 35. None of them have ever excluded me because I am younger, in some cases more than 10 years younger. A couple of times I have been asked my age - I think because I am clearly younger, people are curious as to how much younger. And once I was asked, by a mother (the lawyer), if LM was planned. But that's probably more to do with the fact that it is obvious to another lawyer that I had him at a pretty odd time from a career perspective. I really have no problem admitting that he wasn't.

I guess I just don't buy that 30-something mothers are exclusive or unwilling to be friends. That's the amazing thing about motherhood - you automatically have something to talk about. Whether you have anything to talk about other than parenthood, well that depends. But if you're looking for mom friends, they're not hard to find.

The one part of the article I did relate to a bit is the fact that 20-something friends don't necessarily "get" it. I haven't really seen any of them since LM was born. The offers for babysitting haven't exactly rolled in, or even suggestions of getting together. But if I'm honest, I'd say that it's definitely as much my fault. The first few months he required so much that I couldn't really leave him for more than a few hours. Now that I actually have a little flexibility to go out, I'm a bit out of touch.

There are many issues facing younger parents in urban centres, including financial issues, career planning, cost of housing, lack of suitable or affordable childcare, lack of appropriate parental leave allowances. I guess I find it bizarre that the Post decides to focus on a few whiny upper-middle class parents who "feel like" they have no one to talk to while at Gymboree. Pardon me if I don't start sobbing into my soup.

(Added: I just watched the video that accompanies the story, which is far less irritating from this perspective. It's still kind of inane, but less irritating.)

(Also: LM's virus? One of his younger friends has it too and is in the hospital on oxygen and with an IV in his head. Makes me even more annoyed that the clinic doctor was so dismissive.)

Griping

I am feeling mildly annoyed - okay more than a little - I'll admit there may have been some hormonal tears shed. I'm flying out for a friend's wedding in two weeks - we're each taking 2 days off. I now find out that D is not invited to the Friday night events as it is limited to close friends only, not their significant others. So him having taken off the whole day to be there was somewhat pointless. Irritating since he only has 2 weeks vacation this year (criminal, isn't it?) and that day was 10% of it. I knew we should have done the red-eye Friday night. Damn.

We're now looking into changing his flight, which will likely cost several hundred, but you can't put a price on those vacation days. Then again if he does change it I'll have to fly out alone and negotiate the unfamiliar area and the hotel solo. It shouldn't daunt me at all since I've travelled alone a lot before, but I just have no energy for it now and am feeling mildly stressed about flying at 30 weeks. I shouldn't let this bother me as much as I did, but I'm in a mood.

I had Indian food tonight with some friends of my uncle, including a girl a few years younger than me. She's one of those pixie-ish girls with cute clothes and good hair. "I hope you're pregnant," she said when she saw me. I laughed, "Yes, I am." Later when I said I was 6 months along, her eyes popped out and she said "You mean you still have 3 months to go?" I am not really that big - am measuring right on schedule - half a week behind even - and all the weight is on my belly, not elsewhere. But 100 people can tell you look great when you're pregnant and it only takes one insensitive comment to make you feel like a beluga.

Also, my stomach muscles have separated... diastasis recti - anyone know what you're supposed to do about that? Or what you're not supposed to do? I do avoid putting pressure on my abs and try to roll when I'm on my back, but is there anything I can do to, you know, put them back together?

Anyway I'm off to curl up with a fat, fat, fat book about the life and times of Josephine Bonaparte - these days, I love reading historical fiction - puts it all in perspective, you know?

Facebook dilemmas

Facebook! I was totally addicted for a few days, but I'm starting to realise why it really is the devil. It was so great to touch base with a whole bunch of random people I haven't seen in a while, but then after a few days you realise how much do I want random strangers from my past to actually know about me?

So anyway, here are my Facebook dilemmas. I hope you can help.

1. About 10 weeks ago, my friend broke up with her long-term boyfriend. It was a pretty cold thing where he walked in and announced that while he loved her, he didn't ever want to marry her. They'd been together a few years and had lived together for part of that time. He left that night and despite the fact she tried to contact him a couple of times, he hasn't spoken to her since. She was obviously devastated... she is a great, funny, cute and smart girl who did a TONNE for him. She had booked an amazing weekend for two that they were scheduled to leave on when he dropped the bomb.

He was also a great guy - I really liked him and I can't hold the break-up against him, though perhaps it could have been handled a bit better. But my loyalty is to my friend, who I've known for 18 years. There's no question that he and I have any relationship beyond that.

Then a few days ago he sent me Facebook message, written very formally just to say hi and congratulations. It was a nice message and I wrote a brief reply just so he'd know I don't hate him. But it was weird. He's never contacted me before - probably doesn't even have my e-mail address, but I'm searchable on Facebook. I know part of him wants me to tell her that he did - so maybe some part of her thinks he's not a giant assh*le (not very articulate, but then post-break-up anger generally isn't.) Do I tell her he e-mailed me? Or does that send her into another spiral of overanalysis, wondering if he's having second thoughts? If I don't tell her, will she find out later (maybe he is having second thoughts!) and be mad that I didn't say anything?

Facebook Dilemma 2: A girl I went to high school with, a few grades above me, got in touch with me when she moved to my old town. I didn't remember her at all from high school, but had a few drinks with her since she was working at the same place as I am. Since I left that city three years ago, I've never contacted her. A few months ago she adds me once Facebook. We exchange a few wall messages and all is well.

A few days ago she writes that she's coming into town and wants to get together. I know I added you on FB, but we're not friends! I don't really have anything to tell her about. I didn't know her well to begin with and don't really know her now. I'm also incredibly busy these days what with the bar course, and I just don't feel like taking time out to see her. She's here for quite a while, so it doesn't sound plausible to say that I'm out of town for 3 weeks. I thought about lying, but my FB status might betray me! I know this sounds pretty obnoxious, and it's not that I don't like meeting people or hanging out, or making new friends. I do - and I have been making quite a bit of effort since I finished school to cultivate some of the friendships I've started - I have plans with three different sets of people this week. But this isn't about that - I just don't see myself enjoying the get-together. What do I do?

Taking Chances

Ever since I started planning the wedding, I've been visiting this wedding board - honestly, part of it is just because of all the posts where people are freaking out and giving each other really bad advice. I tend to be the person who gives the really blunt advice and often get "flamed" which is all part of the amusements.

There's a pregnancy section too, which I was addicted to last year and have recently wandered into again. They're having a "meet-up" this week and I'm actually thinking of going even though this is so unlike me. But I don't have that many friends and it might be fun to meet some other preggo women - what do you think, should I jump it and make some 'Net friends?