Where's My Book?

One of the things that bothered me when I was pregnant was that a lot of the home birth literature has this almost fanatical bent to it. I mean, on the one hand, one of the main arguments in favour of home birth is that women should have control and choices in how they birth and should do what is comfortable for them. But then a lot of the proponents are so dead certain that there's only one right way to do it - and that conceding to any intervention is some sort of failure. They make it seem like in order to have a home birth you must be so hardcore about it that afterwards you're going to cook up the placenta and eat it for dinner. (Which reminds me, our placenta is still in our freezer, but I digress.) So in that sense, the proponents alienate those who might otherwise consider it because they make it seem like it isn't a mainstream choice. And as a result a lot of our friends and family thought we were doing it just to make a point, when in fact, we felt that for us it was a safe and sensible choice.

I find the same thing with breastfeeding sometimes. I'm not planning to wean at six months, or even a year. If what I've read is true it will be possible to continue breastfeeding in the morning and evening even when I'm working. I have no idea how significant the health benefits of breastfeeding are past the infant stage, and frankly, I don't care. I enjoy it and so does he. I remember thinking that with mothers who breastfeed toddlers "It's really as much about her..." Now I realise, well, duh, yeah! If I enjoy bonding with my kid that way, why not?

So I was mildly interested when I stumbled across a book about a breastfeeding toddler - but then the whole book is so hardcore; these people only shop at a farmer's market, and they don't own a car; their happy toddler is permanently in a sling on their hip or in a bike seat. I do admire that lifestyle in some ways, but it's not the one I've chosen. And it seems to me that people who relate to that book don't need a book like that to encourage breastfeeding an older child - I'm sure their happy granola circle and all their pals on the mothering.com forums are extremely supportive. Where's the pro-breastfeeding book for the condo-dwelling child of corporate drones? Now that's one I'd add to my Amazon.com wishlist.

Singing the Blues

Motherhood really is so much more than I imagined. I never would have guessed the intensity of feelings I have for Little Man. I was calling him Baby A for a while, but I think now he will be known as LM for Little Man, because that is what D calls him constantly. And he does have that wizened newborn look, like a very old soul in a very small body. He furrows his brows in the most adorable way, or sometimes his eyebrows rise up as though he's discovered something truly amazing while sleeping. He gets these amazing sleep grins, though they occasionally turn into frowns, which are even sweeter. He also has hair, which for some reason I knew he would, even though both D and I were completely bald babies. I love that he has a little bit of hair.

I have had a bit of baby blues. I kind of anticipated that I would because I tend to be an emotional person, and long-times readers will know of my battles with anxiety et cetera. Mostly it happens in the evening when I am tired and he is being adorable. I just well up and cry with the intensity of feelings. I worry about something happening to him; I can't imagine how I'd go on! Strangely I also worry about something happening to me. Why would my adorable little baby do without his mama? Does this sound crazy?

And there is a sense of sadness that so many joyful moments, so long anticipated have now arrived. The birth was so intense and amazing, and now it's over. My care by my amazing midwives is winding down (well, I see them for another 5 weeks, but still.) I can't quite picture how the next year will be, being at home with him. Will I be lonely? I have few friends (read: one) with babies. Also, I worry about how it will be going back to work. How could I possibly leave him? And I can't believe the days that have already passed - have I savoured these moments enough? Time already seems to be racing past! I only have 11 months left at home!

The blues do seem to be getting better, having peaked on Day 4 or 5, when I think the hormones were just bottoming out. Maybe stability is coming back. I need to remind myself that the best is just beginning and that there are many, many incredibly loving and joyful moments up ahead. And there's a squirming little worm lying next to me right here to prove it.

Birth

So sorry for lack of updates! Blogger was acting super-weird for the past few days and hasn't let me publish a thing. It seems to be up and running again now, so I will grab a rare moment.

Our birth was amazing. I went into labour as I wrote to you all. I read for a while, wrote a letter. I finally woke D two hours later as the pains were more frequent. We went for a walk - I was determined to be in a position to call the midwives when we got back, that is to have contractions that were five minutes apart and one minute long. On the walk they got 2-3 minutes apart but were still 30 or 45 seconds long.

I came back home and we called our doula, as there was a fair amount of blood and the "Birth Partner" book was pretty frightening about what that meant. Our doula assured us it was normal and got ready to come over. A little while later, my contractions were a minute long, and D called the midwife. She was at another birth, so she sounded a bit anxious. But the midwife coming on call the next morning was able to come so she arrived at the same time as the doula.

When they arrived they watched and waited a bit. The doula took over and D was able to get our place ready. The midwife offered an exam and it turned out I was 10 cm dilated!

I was positive for a bacteria called Group B Strep, which is very common, but in very rare situations can cause serious issues in newborns. I was still deciding whether or not to treat only if risk factors presented themselves (i.e. if my water was broken for a long time), or to treat with antibiotics regardless. woops moving to one-handed typing as baby nurses. but since the antibiotics have to be in your system for 4, or preferable 8 hours before birth, it became an impossibility to treat, since baby was only a couple of hours away. thankfully, my water was still not broken, and in fact broke only 1/2 an hour or so before birth.

At that point i got in the bath, which was great; Our doula and D had been careful to keep me hydrated, so after a while in the tub, everyone thought it might be a good idea if I peed. I moved to the toilet where my water finally broke, and just sat there for a while, biting down on a towel as I had more and more contractions. Someone suggested I feel for the head and I reached down and there it was. That gave me lots of incentive to push and bear down, though I will say the pushing is almost involuntary. My whole body was in eject mode, and I was throwing up and pushing. But I did bear down a lot. The midwife suggested I get back in the bath, which I did. Not 5 minutes later, his head was born; then another few minutes passed and I pushed again and his body was born.

They passed him to me through the water, grey and slithering, with a long head and the bluest little hands. I have to say, I knew he would look odd, but it was almost as if someone was handing me a completely different baby. But I just wanted to hold him so close. He didn't breathe immediately, but after a while, he took out a great yell and kept doing that. The midwives said he was "very passionate!"

I was really expecting quite a bit of direction, and coaching through labour. But the midwife who arrived was really laidback, and just watched, listened, answered questions and made the odd suggestion. Now I realise that's exactly what worked best for us, and I'm so happy it was that way. Basically it implied to me that everything I was doing was right, and it gave me the confidence to keep going. Our doula was seamless, at times I didn't even know if it was her or D pushing on my back or squeezing my hand.

Did it hurt? Yeah - a lot. At times I was thinking "we are only having one child" or "I wish I'd had a cesarean." But 20 minutes later, all the pain seemed a distant memory and I was high as a kite and full of energy and life.

We are now coming down off the high, and off a slew of visitors, and are preparing to cocoon for a few days and turn off the ringer on the phone.

Cold Shower

I am going to have a baby this month. Kind of blows my mind.

I am really going to miss my midwives' care. Appointments are long, and detailed, and I can take along family, doulas etc. Everything is explained and I am often there for 45 minutes just talking things through - although sometimes I have no questions and my visits are much shorter.

I had to go to my GP recently, and although she is a very nice person, it was just a bit of a cold shower after the great care I've been getting. For one, I was told I had to pee in a cup by the receptionist, which makes no sense, since I am under someone else's care, and they are the ones who test my pee. I was never told what for, or what they saw. At the midwife, they go over every test result, often showing the form that came back from the lab.

Then everything was rushed, and my GP didn't really seem to understand what I was asking for. (I wanted a prescription so that IV antibiotics for Group B Strep can be given to me at home during labour by the midwives.) She gave me some info that isn't entirely correct without really exploring with me why I was asking what I was. I didn't push her on it, so I basically wasted an hour of my day since I left without the 'script. She did offer to talk to my midwife about the request, which was nice, but I haven't heard anything since.

Anyway all this to say, I have a great GP, but the level of care I've been getting at the midwife makes me realise how broken the family medicine system can be. I am lucky to have a GP at all, so I know I shouldn't complain too much. And she has in the past been great about many things, and very sympathetic, so I don't mean to bash her.

It's interesting - as a lawyer we are taught that we present our client with their options, the benefits of each, but ultimately the choice is up to them. We tell them the law, and ways to proceed, but we don't make decisions for them. The midwife is the same way - she presents the options, gives the background information, but ultimately each and every choice is your own, though of course guidance and advice is given. But lots of times doctors don't have time to discuss the pros and cons of various options with you, nor do they give you the benefit of thinking that you might actually know a fair bit yourself. They just give you one possible solution, and if you don't like it, then you're stuck. Not all doctors are like this, I know... but most of the ones I've dealt with are - and I've seen a lot of doctors in my lifetime, especially in the past five years, and I also have a couple in my family, so I feel quite confident in saying that.

Anyway, I have a feeling that there will be many tears shed on the day of my last midwife visit, which is six weeks after birth. If I have this many questions as a pregnant woman, imagine how many I'll have when I'm a new mother. I wish I knew I was going somewhere where I'd be treated as I am at the midwife's.

Quickies

I want to write an entry, but realise I really have nothing to say...

After my vent - and I thank you for your support, there was yet another jab at it. This time I was told that almost no first time mothers are successful at home birth anyway since first labours are often so long. Which is weird, because almost everyone I know of who's planned one (admittedly, not that many people) did it as a first time mother. It's hard to engage because most of the comments are made in passing, so I just ignore, and then I'm mad at myself afterwards for not sticking up for myself.

I had strange dreams last night; in one I had triplets, and I wanted to nurse them, but was too busy so I kept forgetting. When I did remember I had this breast pump and I would strap it on and it would just fill with milk in seconds. But for some reason I only owned two bottles, not three, so one child kept getting neglected.

A wee vent

Life is good - pregnancy is good - work is good.

Baby is growing exactly as it should.

Hey, that rhymes.

I've vented about this before, but I find it really irritating how eager people are to tell us what a bad idea home birth is. Yes home birth is a bad idea in some situations - like for my friend who wasn't able to have one because of a clotting disorder. And I'm not sure I would be as comfy with it if I didn't live 15 minutes from a hospital that is very accustomed to working with home birth midwives in the case of transfer. But how dumb do these people think we are? Do they think we are unknowingly putting our health and our baby's health at risk to satisfy some whim? I've read the studies about the safety and not just articles about the studies, but the actual studies (including a study at the hospital where I am pre-registered). And I feel like for us it's the right choice.

I would never dream of criticising someone for choosing an epidural, or a cesarean. Those are personal choices, and I would never judge someone for saying they need pain relief - pain tolerance is a very personal thing. Who know, maybe I will decide I need it. So why should they judge me (us) and my (our) choices? And what these people don't seem to realise is that while yes, there are some benefits to being in the hospital, there are some benefits to being at home as well.

Anyway, I'm getting over it. D joked that we should invite the naysayers over for a meal of placenta afterwards... which you have to admit would be quite amusing. Unfortunately, I fear we do not have enough freezer space for it.

Checking In

We are in the middle of a radical heat wave - wow. I ache to go to the beach.

I went to a wedding this past weekend, which was amazing. It was very lovely and heartfelt with all sorts of personal touches. I saw all sorts of old friends who I haven't visited in years and it's amazing how quickly things can seem normal again.

I really enjoy this part of being pregnant - people are so happy for us, and they're always extending well-wishes and sharing their stories. Last night the waiter at an upscale restaurant told us how the birth of his child was the most amazing moment of his life. People are just kind to me, and us. I understand now what my friend says when she says she misses her belly. It made no sense before, since I was really not enjoying pregnancy for the first 20-odd weeks.

Anyway, back to work.

How to Deal

Argh - sometimes I really hate people. Most recently, them telling D stories of emergency cesaerean births and umbilical cords wrapped around baby's necks and generally trying to be really discouraging of the possibility of home birth. I wish they would just butt out.

Let me be clear, we are not dogmatic. We will go to the hospital if it is necessary. All the research I've done shows that home birth is as safe provided adequate measures are taken. I'm not just picking sources that are biased in favour of more natural options, but am going to medical journals and other ostensibly objective sources. Before I started my research I wasn't fixated on this issue - I think I went in to this project relatively unbiased. We will have intermitten heart-rate monitoring and take other measures to ensure the safety of our baby.

I admit I am often feeling hurt by these particular relations - I feel they marginalise me and make very little effort to hang out with me. And making statements like that to D makes me feel like they don't respect our choices, and are trying to lobby him. I resent being treated like the crazy wife. Anyway I wish they would stop their fear-mongering - I find it really passive-aggressive. At least say it with me there so I can say my piece.