grass diaries

Confrontation

2010-02-07T19:30:00.001-08:00

I probably sounded a little more negative in my last post than I really intended. I actually feel very positive about this little girl, and all her little kicks, punches and twists. However, I won't deny there is still a tiny bit of anxiety that arises from time to time and because it's not something I really want to unload on my relatives and friends, I use this place to blow off a little steam. But as an indicator of my optimism, I have bought three, not overly girly but still slightly feminine, pieces of clothing in the last week. The tiny bit of worry I have left does make me a little more anxious to meet her. But I'm trying not to wish away these last few months of pregnancy, and of LM's only child status.

On an entirely different note, I had a fight with my mother this morning. It's funny - I don't shy away from confrontation. D and I argue. My brother and I argue. And I argue at work all the time. But they're usually pretty clean arguments, easily resolved and not ones where I go to bed angry. My mother and I are very close; she does a ton for LM and helps us out a lot. I probably talk to her 3 to 4 times a week.

Last night D, our family, plus my younger brother and his fiance, all had dinner. At her own suggestion, she brought food over here. D helped her make it, and I lay on the sofa, admittedly like a lump, because I was feeling my usual evening pregnancy tiredness. Evenings have been rough for me since the start of this pregnancy, but I will admit that I could have been more helpful. Then we all ate, raved about how good it was, and talked. I asked her not clean up, saying we'd do it later, but she did anyway. My future sister-in-law gave us a beautiful quilt she made for the new baby and we all oohed over that. Then my mother gave LM a bath; I don't think I asked her to do it, but I might have hinted. Honestly, I thought she would have wanted to because she won't see him for several weeks, but maybe that's rude. After the bath, mum stood around and sulked and I asked her if she was upset. She said she was not. And then she left. Little Bro and I pondered what might be the matter, and decided not to try and guess. She is prone to sulkiness (for example, at my older brother's WEDDING, at Christmas dinner and many other recent occasions). Most of time, she won't ever confess what it was about.

Today she calls me from the airport and tells me she's "hurt" I didn't talk to her more, and that I take her for granted. She said we spent too much time talking about things that did not interest her and people she does not know. That totally surprised me. I'd like to think I have some degree of emotional intelligence, and I don't think we "left her out" in anyway. But she claimed I didn't talk to her and only chatted with my brother's fiance (who was sitting next to me, as opposed to my mother who sat on the other end of the table).

My reaction was not very apologetic. I was a bit defensive about my behaviour, and then I said something about her being unfair. I wrapped it up with a comment about how she "brings it upon herself". At that point she either hung up, or we got disconnected. I'm not sure, but I wasn't able to get through to her afterward. I did, however, leave her a rational message wishing her a safe trip.

I am beyond annoyed about it. I find her behaviour quite childish. But at the same time, I feel sorry for her. I know she's probably lonely. She's been single for 20 years, and her sister and brother are both dead. She has friends and work, but few extremely close friends. She has this fixation on Little Bro and him not being attentive enough to her, which she complains about to me all the time. I am finding it increasingly find hard to sympathise with. For a guy in his 20s, my younger brother is actually remarkably considerate. He's not as fawning as my older brother, but then my older brother is 35, and has a few years more of life experience.

I feel guilty too - she DOES do a lot for us, and particularly LM, and I know we take that for granted. But I just feel these particular criticisms were unwarranted and the way she told me did nothing to make me sympathise more with her point of view.

She's gone now for two weeks and I have no means of contacting her other than e-mail, so I am trying very hard to write a rationale, non-defensive e-mail - to say I'm sorry for how she feels without either making excuses or admitting to something I don't think I've done. I don't think I'm quite there yet.

Genetic Counselling

2010-02-01T20:43:00.000-08:00

We met with the genetic counsellors today. You know what's awkward? Running into a former colleague who consults for the the health authority, and who was all "Hey, how are you? What are you guys up to?" as you're fidgeting under the big sign that says MEDICAL GENETICS.

In the counselling section, they have two waiting rooms. One for the families with all the little babies, many of whom are presumably affected with the things being screened. And there's one for the pregnant women being counselled on, among other things, the possibility of termination (that's the elephant in the room during these consultations.)

Very, very mercifully they had received the results of our serum testing in time for the consultation. We were told it "screened" negative at 1/3100. This is probably familiar territory to most of my readers (all 6 of you! Ha ha) who have been through this recently, but the screening is not diagnostic. It gives you a probability. In our case, anything higher than 1/350 is deemed a "positive" screen. Most, but not all women carrying Down Syndrome babies will screen positive. Many, many people who are carrying healthy babies will also screen positive. Anyway, if you're screened positive you're offered amniocentesis which can give you a definitive result. The reason not all women are offered amnio (aside from costs, obviously) is that it has some risks for the fetus.

The screening test is not perfect: some Down Syndrome babies (we were told 22%) screen negative. But when you look at the math, it's highly likely percentage-wise that if you screened negative, that you are indeed negative, and not having a DS baby. So we breathed a HUGE sigh of relief knowing we were negative.

The markers were still a concern, and they discussed those with us. In the counsellor's opinion, it was still appropriate to offer us an amnio given the fact that there are two markers, so I assume that they feel that two markers brings us closer to the 1/350 mark which is the usual amnio cut-off. However, there is no real research to give us an accurate number of what our two particular markers mean.

And if you want, they will discuss termination - apparently, you can terminate for chromosomal abnormalities up to 24 weeks. Amnio results take 2-3 weeks because it involves them culturing cells and growing them. (See the problem here?). But you can get preliminary results in 72 hours.

So the next question, given all this information, is why have the amnio? In our case, we had pretty much decided that we would not be terminating a fetus at the gestational age we are currently at (22 weeks, plus whatever time it takes to get the amnio booked and get the results and schedule the termination). I think it's a very personal decision, and I understand why people would make a different one. But in our particular situation, I don't think that's a choice we'd make. So if we get the amnio, it would be more for peace of mind, or to "prepare" ourselves.

Part of my is tempted to know for sure, one way or the other. If our screen had been positive, I would definitely want to know. But right now, I feel like the chances this baby has DS are very, very, low. And there are lots of good indicators - for one thing, she's big and DS babies are usually small. And her femur length and nuchal fold (other, imperfect "soft" markers) are good. And there's nothing structurally wrong at all.

On balance, I think going through the procedure and waiting for the results would likely increase my stress level for quite a while. And then I'd worry about miscarriage. And of course, the worst case scenario is that I have the amnio, the results are negative, and I end up somehow damaging a healthy fetus. Finally, I don't believe that knowing in advance would really prepare me if she does in fact have DS. So although I've given myself a day to consider this, we're fairly certain we will not do the amnio. They also confirmed that a home birth is still a possibility, even if our baby was a "confirmed" Down Syndrome baby, so I don't feel I need the information for that reason.

Overall, we both feel confident that this is a healthy baby and we're going to proceed on that assumption.

I know I sound pretty calm and rational, but I have had a lot of anger this week too. I'm angry at the process. It seems kind of fucked to me that some radiologist sitting in a room can write something like "multiple markers of aneuploidy" and never get to see the mother's face when she reads those words. I know the reports aren't written with the expectation they'll be read by patients, but isn't that kind of fucked too? I will never meet that doctor or be able to ask him any questions about how he came to that conclusion; no one can answer the question about how confident he is in the measurements he found, or how often he sees this. I'm left dealing with the middlemen and the generalists.

The kidney measurement, by the way, was 0.4 mm outside of normal. Seriously. I have friends who have been told that their babies are going to weigh 10lb when measured by ultrasound and they come out weighing 7 lb, yet this guy is making a finding based on a measurement of 0.4mm. And maybe that's completely legitimate and highly accurate, but how am I supposed to feel confident in that finding when I can't ever ask any questions of the only person who actually understands how it is you measure these things? I probably would never even know it was only 0.4mm off normal except that I specifically asked to receive a copy of the report.

I also think these soft markers are slighty bogus science. Yes, they do mean an increase in Down's. And it is still a possibility that our baby has Down Syndrome and these markers, in retrospect, will have been a good clue. But overall they're a pretty piss-poor predictor. No one can tell me how many healthy babies have these two particular markers, versus how many Down's babies do. If they're going to use these to make recommendations, shouldn't there be some more information about that?

I will say the one thing I'm not angry about it is the care I got from the individuals I actually dealt with. I got a half hour conversation with someone explaining the results, I got faxed the report (at my request), and I then got a 45-minute meeting with the midwife and a one-hour counselling session. I feel that, ultimately, I've been taken good care of and that, based on the limited knowledge we have, I've been given all the relevant information.

And I'm repeating my mantra: Baby is happy, healthy and strong and growing just as she should.

NB: Edited a wee bit for clarity.

Waiting for More News

2010-01-30T15:45:00.000-08:00

Didn't mean to leave you all hanging like that. At this point, I don't have much new information. I had my appointment with the midwife, who said the major concern is Down's Syndrome because if it were something like Trisomy 18, we'd likely be seeing major structural abnormalities "incompatible with life." I'm not sure it was the most reassuring meeting, as I would have liked to hear her say unprompted: "Don't worry, we see this ALL the time and it's almost always nothing." But I didn't really get that, although she did say that sometimes they see these things and it turns out okay.

On Monday I will go to see the medical genetics counsellor and hopefully that person can give me a bit more insight into what this all means. I am still awaiting the results of my quad screen, so I'm not sure I'll have them in time for that appointment, which is unfortunate. But I'll be able to talk about possibilities, and depending on how the quad screen comes back and what the counsellor says, I will make a decision about amniocentesis, which is the only way to have a definitive answer about all of this.

I've also been talking to people in real life and on message boards and have gathered lots stories in which ultrasounds were wrong. I spent an evening poring over medical journals. There was a big meta-analysis of studies on "soft" Down's markers done in the Journal of the American Medical Association which states that they're really not a very good indicator in isolation. However, most of the studies make statements about it being a better indicator when there is more than one. On the bright side, it appears that the two markers we have are among the least worrisome, at least in isolation.

Emotionally, this week has been really, really tough. Looking back, it's been a fairly crappy year I've had- my aunt's death from breast cancer, my uncle dying in his apartment, dealing with all the family drama around my aunt's estate, D trying to find a new job in this recessionary economy, me waiting to hear back about being hired on at the firm. Still, this week has by far been the most stressful, tearful, sleepless one I've had. At times, I've convinced myself the child definitely has Down's. I stare at her ultrasound picture and try to see if she does. For several days I winced when she kicked or punched me, because it was a reminder of what was going on; I've been trying to block it out by working and sleeping lots. At times, I've wished this whole pregnancy away.

It's not that I have any doubts about my ability to love a child with Down syndrome. I volunteered with special needs kindergarten for a year, and I absolutely loved every minute of it. I know I would and could. It's the adult I worry about - the one who will be dependent on me for life, financially and emotionally. And the health concerns and costs. And dealing with a female child with an intellectual disability, who will vulnerable to being taken advantage of, terrifies me. It's funny, if something happened to LM and he was dependent on me, I'm prepared to be 100%, 200% there. But I don't even know this baby yet, and rightly or wrongly, I feel like this is not what I signed up for. Of course, neither did she.

But as the week has gone on, I am feeling more positive. I've actually FINALLY hit the part of my pregnancy where I don't feel sick and tired constantly. And I'm trying to put negative thoughts out of my head and send her positive ones when I feel her little punches and rolls. I try to repeat the mantra that my baby is happy and healthy and growing exactly as she should. And if she does have a disability, Down's or other, well I guess we will deal with it. But I'm not embarrassed to admit that I really, really, REALLY hope she doesn't.

Another, Less Fun, Ultrasound Update

2010-01-25T20:32:00.001-08:00

So the hospital sent over the ultrasound report today, and I got a phone call. Not good.

Apparently, there are "multiple aneuploidy markers" including "fetal pyelectasis" and an "echogenic focus on the fetal heart." Which translates to, soft markers for chromosomal abnormalities, including kidney enlargement and some sort of spot on the heart. I am really trying not to freak out. If it was just the kidneys, or just the heart, I think I'd be fine with everything, but the fact that it's both is a little worrying and now I am waiting for the referral to a medical genetics counsellor.

I am kind of surprised nothing was said at the actual ultrasound - I assumed they would. Now I feel like a dolt for making a huge announcement to my family about having a girl. I mean, I still am having a girl, but well, you know. I might have saved that news for a couple of weeks from now when I have some additional reassurance (I hope.)

I didn't do the genetic blood testing for this very reason - did not want to worry myself over something I have no control over. A 13-week nuchal ultrasound is not offered here to women under 40, so that was not an option. But now I have a requisition to go do some bloodwork tomorrow, which I am sort of torn about. Will it change anything? Basically, would it help me worry less? If result come back abnormal, would we do an amnio? I'm not sure we would at this point anyway. But I'm hoping it will be reassuring.

On the other hand, if there are abnormalities, that may change my care, and my plans for a home birth, so I guess more information is always better.

D was awesome. He called me and said "Our little girl is still our little girl. We won't love her any less." Which puts things in perspective. I needed to hear that. I do genuinely believe in a right to choose, and if I found out my child has Trisomy-18 or something that is always fatal, I would definitely consider termination. I'm not sure that's the route I'd go, but I'd talk it over. But unless I were 100% certain it was something like that, I don't think I'd do anything that would put a potentially healthy, or partly healthy baby at risk. Anyway I'm not going to think about that now as that is about 50 million miles away from where we are now. Trying to think positive and not about highly unlikely scenarios. It still could very possibly mean nothing at all, and I'm trying to focus my energy on that thought.

I am so weak

2010-01-20T17:54:00.000-08:00

First of all, let me say I am very, very weak. I caved at the ultrasound appointment. Normally our hospital won't even tell you the sex, and definitely not before 20 weeks. But then the tech asked if we want to know. And we weren't 20 weeks along, but she said since we were 19 weeks, 6 days, it was fine, she'd tell us. And then we never saw anything during the measurements, so we assumed it was a bust, but she offered to spend an extra few minutes looking at the end of the appointment.

And after much hand-wringing and coin-tossing, we said "Oh fine. Tell us!!" (Well, I said it. D was much, much stronger. And as a condition, he made me promise not to tell a soul, well, except for the secret blog.)

And so...
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bring on the Suri Cruise high heels and the PRINCESS GEAR!!! She's a SHE!

We were both there in a bit of shock, and we slightly regretted finding out, because the surprise would have been so amazing. And also, because it makes watching LM so much more poignant. I may never have another 2-year old delicious little boy. And it's a bit of a shift in identity, because I sort of see myself as a mother of a boy and I really like that identity. But I've got a grin a mile wide. A girl!!!! How delightful and wonderful and new. And it makes me even more nervous about about everything turning out okay. She seems like a real person now.

Oh, and I'm just kidding about the princess gear and the Suri Cruise heels. My daughter won't wear heels until she's at LEAST four. Wink. Wink.

Now, to think of a name.

Bad Dreams and Good Dreams

2010-01-16T17:43:00.000-08:00

Had a terrible nightmare this morning that I was bleeding and bleeding. There were all these people at my house and I kept yelling at them to leave, and I couldn't find the midwife's number anywhere and D was ignoring me. Then I realised it was just a dream and I woke up. Only I was still dreaming, and in the second dream I was still bleeding and increasingly frantic at D. There were more people at the house and they just wouldn't leave. I finally found the midwife's number, but couldn't make it out. Then I woke up for real and immediately ran to the bathroom where everything was fine.

I had another, more pleasant dream a week or so ago in which the baby was a boy. When I woke up I immediately knew his name, and have secretly been calling it that ever since.

The little beetle started kicking on Christmas Day. I'm pretty sure I felt it before then, but I was not 100% sure. It's funny, last time I felt it earlier despite an anterior placenta. But this time it came later, even though I suspect my placenta is in it's normal spot. (My belly was ALWAYS lopsided on one side last time, no matter how baby was positioned, and I'm convinced that was the placenta.) Anyway since then kicky monster has been giving me lots of little nudges, which I adore.

You know what annoys me? How many people assume I would prefer if it were a girl. I told my father-in-law that I thought it was a boy and he said something like "But I'm sure you'd be happier if it wasn't." Huh?

With my first pregnancy I was convinced LM was a girl, and I was a little surprised to see all those boy bits. But I never regretted his boyness or wished he was a girl. Frankly, at a toddler age, there may be some differences between boys and girls, but also a lot of variability in personality. Aside from the fact that no one gives me pink clothing, I don't think it makes a huge difference right now. There are girls at LM's daycare far more rambunctious than he is. And while he adores trucks/trains and transportation, so do many girls I know. Obviously this difference will enhance as he gets older, and there are no doubt advantages and disadvantages on either side. But I have two brothers, D is one of three boys, my father was one of four boys. I'm very comfortable with boys and quite thrilled to have another one, or two.

On a pregnancy message board I'm on, so many of the women talk about hoping for a girl. And they always have such dumb reasons, like "the clothes for girls are so much cuter." Frankly, I'm quite happy to bypass the Suri Cruise high heels and the princess gear. And while boys clothes can be annoying (think exploding snowboarders or race cars splashed across everything) there's plenty of cute stuff too. Not that shopping selection is a reason to wish for either gender - I'm not even sure why I'm talking about clothes, except that the gendered nature of baby clothes is a pet peeve of mine.

All this to say - I love my little guy and am fairly convinced I'm having another. That said, I'm not placing too much stock in my hunch given how wrong I was last time. After my bleeding dream, I'm just hoping that on my big ultrasound next week I see a nice, active, healthy little baby. And we won't be asking about the sex.

Happy New Year

2010-01-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

Cross your fingers that the worst is behind me - the two-week long headache I've had has finally subsided. I'm not perpetually exhausted - only marginally so. And I think given another couple of weeks I may graduate from slightly paunchy to cutely pregnant. Of course that means many of my pants (god - even my pajamas!) are getting a little tight as I tend to stockpile my extra pounds in my thighs and back - but it's all good!

This pregnancy has been extremely similar to my first; I also remember feeling much better as I got close to the halfway point. I had lots of headaches in trimester 2. And I gained weight the same way - lots in trimester 1. Also, weirdly, my leg hair has started becoming much more light and growing more slowly. I remember now that it was the same with LM.

A few things are different - one complicating factor in this pregnancy is that I am still breastfeeding. Yes, I am breastfeeding my 2-year old. I should do a whole entry on toddler breastfeeding at some point, but I can't really think coherently right now.

Another thing I don't recall from my first is being so anxious. Not about the baby, but about LM and D. I'm constantly worrying that something horrible has happened. D took LM outside on a ferry yesterday and my first thought was "don't hold him up near the railing or we could risk something like that Toronto airport incident." (warning - sad link). D looked at me and said "We're not even going close to the edge!" But things like that cross my mind about 10 times a day and I wish I could find a way to curb it. I know it goes beyond normal parental caution and is getting into the slightly paranoid.

In other news, New Year's resolutions; originally I thought I didn't really have any. It's not a year for big career goals. I just want a nice, healthy fat little baby and that's it. But on reflection one can always come up with a few areas for improvement:

-exercise at least twice a week (I was doing pretty well with this until the last couple of months - urrrgh.)
-start taking my lunch to work at least 2-3 times a week;
-cut back the spending a bit to save for the maternity leave
-get more adventuresome with my cooking

And for your viewing pleasure, LM:

Hapy New Year!

2009-12-31T21:39:00.000-08:00

You know what one of my pet peeves is? When people invite you to dinner, you accept, and then they ask you to bring a dish. I'm not talking about a potluck, or a situation where everyone has agreed one person will host and everyone else will pitch in. Those are acceptable. Like when I was on maternity leave, we used to do lunches at each other's houses, and we'd all bring something. It was a communal thing.

But if you invite me to a dinner party, do not ask me to bring a salad! And especially do not ask me two days beforehand when the interim day is a stat holiday. I hate having to do an unplanned grocery trip on a day when I'd planned to loll about and stare at my two-year old all day.

D has this compulsion. He will OFFER to bring something. It's like a disease for him. You can't invite him anywhere before he's offering to bring something and then agreeing to make 25 canapes. I'm always standing next to him waving my hands in front of my throat to say "DON'T DO IT!"

Anyway, maybe these sorts of uncharitable thoughts are why I'm spending my New Year's deliciously, lazily, devouring a book. We recently started "reducing" LM's nap, which means he's actually asleep at a decent hour (read: before 10:30) and I have all this wonderful free time in the evening. It's even worth not having the looooong break mid-day. Tonight, D fell asleep with him too and I'm still wondering whether to wake him up, or just to fall into my own bed all alone and greet 2010 in the morning.

To the rest of you, Happy New Year!

Happy Days

2009-12-19T22:31:00.000-08:00

Love love love the delicious smell of Christmas baking filling the house. Love love love new cleaning lady who is not completely insane. (Note to self: do not hire people over Craig's list without conducting extensive reference check.) Love love love new hot water dispenser in kitchen. Tea!! On demand!!! Love love love that I no longer feel nauseous and queasy (now 15 weeks for anyone who's counting.)

Not so thrilled that I still feel completely and utterly exhausted. Every day at 2:15 I hit a wall. If I'm at work, it requires coffee and generally means a huge loss of productivity. Keep in mind this is coming from someone who went through all of law school's late nights, including a pregnancy, with nary a cup. If I'm at home, it means a nap that lasts approximately 2.5 hours until I (a) am awoken by a toddler who can no longer keep himself away, or (b) rouse myself out of guilt. The other day I came home at 3 as I was not busy. There were renovaters in my kitchen. Renovating. Moving large pieces of equipment. Sawing pieces of tile. My kitchen is approximately 10 feet from my bedroom door since I live in a bungalow. I crawled into bed and fell asleep. Didn't even hear them leave.

I organised a "sponsor a family" event for Christmas this year; did the same last year. I dropped off our bundle of presents this year in person to a woman, single mother, my age with 4 children. The five of them live in a space about 1/2 the size of our (small!) bungalow. Kinda puts it in perspective, doesn't it? Wow.

Quick Drop-in

2009-12-09T21:16:00.001-08:00

I wish I could post more but I am just so fricking exhausted that if I don't have to work, I collapse in bed by 9:30. I am well into Tri 2 but I am soooooooo exhausted. When does this end again? I actually STARTED puking at 13 weeks. I mean, is that fair? No. It's not. I can't wait until I hit 18 or 19 - I'll have a real belly, and hopefully my energy will be back, at least for a while.

Ugh.

Whining

2009-11-23T19:55:00.000-08:00

I am feeling crappy and emotional today. The stupidest things have me teary. One - I was booted off my print station today. I was printing a whole bunch of legislation and one of the admin assistants complained or something, and now I've got to walk another 15 feet to a different printer. The issue is that I don't sit with the rest of my group, or I'm sure I wouldn't be asked to move. What I was doing was actually a critical and urgent task for a partner... who sits nowhere near me. This is office politics at it's most incredibly stupid, I realise, but I'm beyond peeved about it.

Second, LM hit me a couple of times today even after I asked him not to.

Third, my midwife booked my 20-week ultrasound at the stupid private clinic instead of the nice lovely hospital. I hate that place. They actually don't let your husband in for most of the ultrasound and the whole atmosphere is just so depressing. I got home and started thinking about it more, and had a cry. Assuming all is well, it will be the only other ultrasound I have this pregnancy, and I want to look forward to it. So after a few hormonal tears, I wrote the practice an e-mail to see if they can switch it to the hospital.

On the bright side, I settled a case today, which is good. And I heard the heartbeat of the baby - such a dainty little flutter. And maybe I won't bother working tonight and will go to bed early - that would be heaven.

Nightly Entertainment

2009-11-20T21:05:00.001-08:00

I'm just in a grumpy mood, but sometimes when I look through photos on Facebook of some of my old friends, I'm like "Holy frick, they're in their 30s and they still live the life we did when we were 21." I mean there are pictures of them humping things for God's sake. But I'm not sure if I'm disdainful, or a wee bit jealous. Those were good times after all. But I'm ~~not sure~~, scratch that, I'm POSITIVE I wouldn't want to live that way forever.

After all while a country party drunk fest is pretty entertaining, it's not as entertaining as hanging with your child as he repeatedly tells you "Mummy, I holding my PENIS! I holding my PENIS. What dat thing for???"

Ultrasound Update

2009-11-18T21:07:00.000-08:00

The ultrasound went well - I am actually measuring a little farther ahead than I thought, which is cool. Not because I want this any sooner, but mainly because it means our baby was probably conceived in NYC which is kind of neat.

On a side note, all the online calculators gave me one date, which makes sense. According to my best guess, I figured baby was conceived on a Thurs, period started on Thurs and due date would be Thurs. I gave my midwife all those dates and she gave me a Sunday due date and said I was three days less along than I thought. After thinking about it, I chose to ignore that completely and figured I would explain why that must be wrong at the next appointment. For one thing, it would have meant I got a positive pregnancy test 8 days after conception which cannot be. Anyway the ultrasound confirms that her date can't be right, so I'm happy about that. It sucks to think you are much less farther along than you think you are.

The ultrasound was solely for dating, but we did get a good look and it was a very bouncy little bean, moving around, kicking its little frog legs and moving its pointy little chin.

I've also told work now, and while I won't say the reaction was one of unbridled joy for my overall happiness (in fact I believe someone said, "Again?") I'm sure they'll adjust.

Milestones

2009-11-16T20:08:00.000-08:00

Bad bad blogger. Pregnancy does that though - if I can be, I'm asleep 10 seconds after LM is, so no real time to blog.

Speaking of sleep, we moved LM to a big boy bed a couple of weeks ago and it has been so amazing... I really think he just absolutely hated being confined in the crib. The funny thing is, he doesn't even get out of the bed on his own except in the morning; he just calls us when he needs us. So that's been a huge bonus. And he is now taking naps that are 2-3 hours long and waking only once in the night. I keep wondering why I didn't do this sooner, but then you never know what effect it would have had at what time.

We have our first ultrasound tomorrow - just a dating one but I'm excited even though we have to go the weird ultrasound clinic that doesn't let your husband sit with you for the first 10 minutes. I don't get that policy at all - it's so unfriendly! But I digress - assuming all goes well, we will be breaking the news to my mother afterwards, so that should be fun.

Confession

2009-11-01T17:38:00.001-08:00

Confession: Sometimes when I am putting away laundry I have to kiss those little train socks, or the little stripey sweaters.

Here he is, just jamming. Not sure what he was singing here. The best is when he prefaces it all by saying "I sing you couple my songs..."

Second Time Pregnancy

2009-10-26T20:14:00.000-07:00

Being pregnant for the second time is very different from the first. I must admit, I am not feeling very invested in this pregnancy yet. Either I feel wretched and glued to the sofa, or I feel fine and normal and the lack of symptoms has me convinced I'm no longer pregnant. The last few days I've felt great and part of me is wondering if everything is truly alright down there. And not in an upset, worried, sad way - more like a sort of disconnected curiosity.

We also haven't told a soul and given my general wonderings about whether this is okay, I don't think we will tell anyone until after our "dating" ultrasound which is three weeks away. Last time we'd told a dozen assorted folks by now. The only person I mentioned it to is the office manager because my office is being painted this week and I wanted to make sure it's an acrylic paint. She never even got back to me.

I guess the other thing is that I'm just so incredibly wrapped up in my toddler that I don't have a lot of energy for thinking and dreaming about the creature in my belly. I almost said "my child" instead of my toddler, but that would imply that this future baby is not my child, when of course (assuming it still exists) it is. I just have trouble picturing it all.

Anyway, I'm not upset about this lack of connectedness - I'm just commenting on it. Considering that until recent times, people didn't even really consider themselves pregnant until they felt a "quickening", I've often wondered if we place too much emphasis on the necessity of bonding in the early stages. After all, if something does happen, and there's always such a strong likelihood it can, isn't it better not to be overly invested? I realise that sounds horribly pessimistic, but really it's not. I think I just may enjoy this pregnancy more for lack of stressing about it. That is, if I'm still pregnant.

Sickly Sweet

2009-10-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

Holy mother of God, this pregnancy is kicking my ass. I started to feel a little nauseous last week, but then had such a dearth of symptoms that I was starting to think maybe the bean hadn't "stuck." That changed this weekend - there is actually a permanent divet on the sofa as I've barely moved off it all weekend. I have no appetite for anything at all. I did choke down some brunch this morning, but wasn't even able to finish that. Then I had a slice of pizza tonight, but the steamed broccoli made me gag. Ugh.

When does morning (aka all-day) sickness peak? Please tell me something like seven weeks. I'm not sure how I can function at work this way (let alone home).

Luckily LM was in a stellar mood today and was happy to entertain himself for much of the day playing with his puzzles and singing to himself. "Five little ducks" is on constantly in our house and he has a plastic guitar that he strums along with.

I dragged myself to yoga this morning, which I think was a good thing. When I got home at 9:30, there was a little boy standing in the kitchen watching for me. He was wearing nothing but a robot t-shirt and two rubber boots, each on the wrong foot. His hair was messy and he had a big dimpled smile for me. It was the sweetest moment of my day, possibly my week. I love that kid so much.

6 weeks

2009-10-14T20:56:00.001-07:00

I have had the most insane few weeks at work, busier than I ever have been. Which is fine because to be honest, August was so un-busy that I started to fret about someone noticing how few hours I was billing. In my defence, I had a lot of nonbillable work going on, but still. Anyway, I would love to share more about work, but don't feel I can here, even in an anonymous blog. All I can say is, ex parte orders are quite exciting!

Tomorrow I will be six weeks. (And I promise not all my blog posts will be week counts. Just noticed that.) So far, D and I have told no one except a few people on a mommy (and pregnancy) message board I frequent (a few of whom I have met in person) and you. So far, so good. Last time we were not nearly so stealthy as all sorts of people guessed right away. Hopefully I can keep it mum until the end of November at work. I'm sure I'll cave earlier when it comes to my family but I'd like to get into the double digits.

Anyway, six weeks feels like a good milestone since the time I miscarried, I was just short of that.

I am having occasional stinging pains in my side today, which has me slightly worried. My mind always races to worst case scenarios, like ectopic. But looking at the symptoms on "Dr. Google", I don't have any of the others markers, and I am susceptible to right quadrant pain, so it's probably nothing. I guess if it gets worse I'll think about getting it checked out.

4 weeks

2009-10-02T20:22:00.000-07:00

Things are going well. Now officially into week 4, so it's feeling slightly more 'real'. I think I can stop obsessively testing to see if it has stuck. Still lots of potential for things to go sideways, so we are keeping it under wraps with all friends and family for now. Haven't told a soul, except on the Internet, ha!

I'm a little worried it's going to be a rough month. Morning sickness hasn't really hit yet but I expect that will come soon - probably still early. And the fatigue - not sure how that will be with a toddler and a full-time job. But if I get through October, I think things will be fine. I'm going to try to avoid telling work until the end of November, but we'll see if I can last.

You know what's awesome though? Happy hormones. I feel very zen. Work is 100 times better for no reason at all. I sleep like a baby at night. (That's a weird expression - my 'baby' still wakes up a million times a night.) They need to invent some sort of injection that makes you feel this way. Minus the nausea of course, and the obsessive calculation of gestational age.

Well, this should give me something to blog about

2009-09-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

Ssssshhhh... It's still early. Got this Monday on day 26 of my cycle.

Thoughts on Parenting

2009-09-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

So we are entering the question phase. I got my first "Why...?" today, which I loved! He asked why Daddy wasn't driving (which, I must admit, he usually does when both of us are in the car.)

We are officially at two now. I know a lot of people call two "terrible" but I don't like that. I don't want to wish them away. Yes, we have frequent tantrums, lots of "NO!!!" and a newfound stubbornness ("I NO EGGS!!!" which I think means "That omelette looks lovely mother dear, but I simply don't do eggs.") But overall, two rocks! And, so far, it's way easier than colicky newborn or clingy one-year old, although those ages have their advantages too.

Does it get any better than language? He's getting his eyeteeth right now, and was chewing on his hands. "Does your mouth hurt?" I asked. "No, I alright" is the response. Cool! I mean, that is helpful to know! And darn cute. It's also great to hear him tell me about his day: "Me, Sophie, play trains." And it's hilarious to hear him mimic the adults around him: I was fake crying this morning as part of some make-believe game I can't recall. He heard me and turned quickly to say in a very calm, reassuring kind of voice: "No cry Mummy. LM back SOON!"

Do I find myself getting frustrated at times? Yes. I find I can be sharper with him, particularly if he's whining or teary. "LM, DON'T WHINE LIKE THAT. Just ask in a normal voice!" But overall I think I'm pretty calm.

I had this insight into what my philosophy of parenting is - D and I came up with it together, but I articulated it and D was in total agreement. He was all "Tweet it! Tweet it now!" But I didn't, and so it's probably not going to come out quite the same way. But basically the way that I approach parenting is this: Adjust my expectations of his behaviour so that they're realistic given his age. But treat him with the same kind of respect I'd give an adult. In other words, I try remember that he's a toddler with zero impulse control, limited language, and extremely little control or input over his life. At times it is very frustrating to be him. But when I place demands on him, or expect certain behaviour, I am willing to negotiate, compromise, or even give in if, on reflection, it's not worth the battle, just like I am with the adults in my life. And I don't worry about spoiling him, and more than I worry about spoiling D. Anyway, it's working for me, and keeping me happy and sane; and he is, in my slightly biased opinion, thriving, so it seems to be okay for him too.

Vacation Return

2009-09-16T21:05:00.001-07:00

I have been away for the past week having my much-needed vacation. God, it was glorious. I shopped like crazy and spent hours on end with LM. He was a serious trouper as we had him out all day and up late and he adjusted to our vacation schedule and even let us sleep until nine one day! I think he napped in his stroller every single day as we just walked and walked and walked. Absolute heaven.

Vacations really help put things in perspective in terms of where I want to go and what I want to do. For one thing, walking around all these amazing college campuses reminded me how much I loved law school, and how my original goal was to teach. So I think have some big decisions to make about whether that is the path I want to go down. It would mean relocating temporarily, because I would be so much more marketable with a degree from somewhere else, to show a breadth of experience. Luckily D seems completely on board and I know he'd support me if I wanted to do it. There's no rush to decide, but if I do go back, I'd like to do it before I turn 35.

Or is that what I want? Big things to think about.

As for LM, he is going to be 2 sooooo soon! I can't believe it.

Plane Ride

2009-09-04T00:02:00.000-07:00

I am going on a plane tomorrow - so much fun. I made the mistake of telling LM about the plane trip - "tomorrow we are going on an airplane!!!" Well, I forgot he doesn't fully grab the concept of future tense, and so he was devastated when we later pulled up at daycare. He burst into tears: "I want ride airplane!" Had to explain it was tomorrow - not sure he fully got that.

Last time we went on a plane, I did something awful. I was that woman. There was a horribly long line and I totally busted into it. Another woman called me on it. "The line starts back there..." she said. I said (oh yes I did) "Yeah, but I have a baby." And I kept on marching, feeling the burning holes in the back of my head. She probably hates all mothers now and thinks we're really that self-righteous. She probably even hates her own mother thanks to me. I could explain why I did it, why it really was important that we get through, but really, there's no excuse.

Anyway I am looking forward to my trip tomorrow!! I so need this little break.

Up late

2009-08-30T23:57:00.000-07:00

Such a productive weekend - not the most fun one, but productive. We are starting our kitchen renovations soon and I am so excited. It will be amazing not to have my cheesy "beech" coloured Ikea kitchen with the slab grey walls and no counterspace and a terrible layout. We have track lighting, need I say more? I am keeping the kitchen cabinetry but revamping it all to another colour/style etc - something bright and cheerful and really fun to be in. And cook in, of course.

Just one week until our big trip for the summer, for which I am so excited. Going to see my friend's new baby, which should be loads of fun. LM is already practicing saying "Baby Mawlo" (instead of Marlo), which is the cutest. I am feeling really energised and peppy and up tonight which is why I am still up so very far past my bedtime. Must go to sleep.

Recent Travels

2009-08-24T21:51:00.001-07:00

Good lord, I have been a lazy blogger recently. Mostly it's because we've been away like mad. Also, I feel quite constrained in writing about work. I know this blog is anonymous and all, but I always have it in the back of my mind that someone might stumble upon this, and I don't want them to find my musings about my place of employment, so that cuts out a lot of potentially humerous and amusing stories.

On a more serious note, I'm frustrated in some ways that I am still not sure what I want to be, where I want to go, or all that stuff. I am struggling with being at work full-time. D is not all that happy at his job and so we are thinking about transitions for him. Transition with a large mortgage is not always the comfortable place to be. I don't think I will personally make any changes any time in the next year; it's really too soon to know what I want. But I have some ideas cooking away.

In other news, I had the most mellow wonderful couple of weekends. The first was a very adult-oriented trip. We dragged LM around wine country. He was such a good sport, despite the mega long driving and the lack of toys. My in-laws asked how many toys I brought to entertain him.
"Um, well someone at the campground gave him a bus, and then he played with rocks a lot," was my lame reply.

But have no fear, the second weekend was all about the LM, with lots of feeding ducks, petting goats, visiting farms, swimming in warm, toddler pools and so on. Oh, and buffets. Buffets used to gross me out, but when travelling with a picky toddler who is wary of the unfamiliar it is sooooo amazing to have a wide variety of foods to offer.

Tonight we called my brother, who had been visiting and LM had this sort of conversation with him about the weekend, which was so neat. LM cried out "Pigs! Goats!" My brother was all "???" until I explained that a few days ago, LM saw pigs and goats at a farm. Then LM chimed in again "Feed ducks! NO Turkey!" I realise that doesn't sound mind-blowing when I retell it, but to me it was very cool, because after patting the ducks and goats (or as he calls it, being "nice" with them) LM was scared of the turkey and didn't want to feed it. I've never heard him recollect about something that happened so many days ago unless there was something around to trigger the memory - like if he was right next to the item or place. In this case he was just pulling it out of his head without any visual cues. It was lovely.