grass diaries

Much Better

2008-07-20T10:15:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update to let you know that LM is (finally) back to his old self, talking on the phone, chasing the cat, and eating avocado. On Friday the fever was gone. He broke out in the telltale rash which indicates to me that it was most likely roseola; the rash only lasted a few hours before going away; he got a little blotchy again on Saturday and was still quite grumpy. As of this morning he is happy and is eager to eat some food again. He still has a bit of a cough and a runny nose, but overall, much better.

Advice Please Mamas!

2008-07-16T14:52:00.000-07:00

Gah - Little Man STILL has a fever. It's really stressing me out. I took him to the doctor today again. Our doctor was away - but because we were in a pinch, D's doctor was able to squeeze us in. He is extremely sweet and has loads of time for you - very old school. His baby handling was rather old school as well. He spoke very gently and sweetly to LM, but at the same time had me physically restrain him with his arms above his head while he looked in his ears and so on. LM was NOT impressed. I probably wouldn't have thought much of it except that the approach of the jeans-wearing ER doc was so different - all about distraction and playing while he took a look. Anyway, LM survived unscathed and the doctor reassured me that it was a viral thing, recommended against antibiotics (which is great, I don't want them if they're not needed) and allayed my fears about worse things.

Still, I can't help but worry. The child is so utterly lethargic. He slept until 8 a.m. (he's usually up at 6). I woke him because I was starting to worry. Then he catnapped in my arms and in the car until we headed to the doctor. From 11 to 1 he snoozed restlessly while pressed against me on the bed, nursing and whining. Then the phone rang and he woke up. I took him to the park to get some fresh air and offered him some solids, which he declined. At 2 he fell asleep again. You have to understand, LM is a child who resists sleep with every bone in his body and I'm usually lucky to get two and a half hours out him between 6 a.m. and bedtime. I'm so worried about it!

So to other mothers (or fathers or child-experienced people), does this sound normal? Does it sound typical of roseola (aka sixth disease), which is what I'm hoping this is?

First ER Visit

2008-07-14T22:05:00.001-07:00

Okay - enough of that depresso-post. I am revitalising my search for childcare options and have a couple of new leads.

On the advice of the Nurse Hotline, we took LM to the ER last night after his fever went up again to 103 despite copious Tylenol. They had no real advice except to wait it out, although they did rule out a UTI. His fever raged on today until Advil finally got it down to around 100 this evening, prompting him to eat two blueberries and half a cracker - his first solids since yesterday morning. Hopefully it lasts.

The ER wait wasn't too awful - just two hours; at least there was some decent people-watching to be done. The saddest case I saw were two twin boys with the most hideous sunburns. One of them was just shrieking and writhing in agony until they cut off his clothes, revealing a splashing of water-filled blisters on his shoulders. He felt much better after that but his mother was still in tears. Then there was the woman demanding they pay her cab fare home after she dropped off her child and grandchild... the nurse shut down that request pretty fast.

I didn't like the branding everywhere - every time I looked at the TV or flipped open a book in the waiting area I was confronted by that ubiquitous pair, Dora and Diego. I have no idea who these two little munchkins are, but they bug the crap out of me. And they are plastered all over every piece of sports equipment, every linen, and every car seat accessory at Toys 'r' Us, and everywhere else. I had to hunt high and low to find a seat for the toilet so that LM doesn't have to poop on a seat splattered with Dora's mug.

But my adventures in EC are a tale for another day - back to the ER: I also kind of resent the resident in jeans. I can live with the Crocs, since, I don't know - maybe it gets messy. But you're a doctor - can't you afford some cargo pants at least? I guess I'm old-fashioned but I feel like I trust the advice of someone more when they're wearing something other than Levis. I mean it's one thing for a homebirth midwife on call at 3a.m. to show up in her Lululemons, but quite another when you're actually on shift.

Anyway, I'm going to go check on my feverish boy and be off to bed since there wasn't a lot of sleeping done last night.

Sunday Night Blues

2008-07-13T21:17:00.000-07:00

Blah.

One of my best friend's booked a trip here without telling me beforehand and I'm not even going to be in town (or wasn't planning to be.) I thought it was a trip at least in part to see me, but I guess it was more to hang out with her other friend who lives here. Shitty. She was a bridesmaid, so I consider her a great pal, and I'm more than a little pissed off about it.

Blah.

I missed an invite to go out for dinner tonight because LM got a fever that spiked to 103... and I decided I better stay home and ensure he's okay especially since he had one scarily dry diaper. He seems to be getting all these horrid little fevers lately and I'm not sure what it's all about.

Blah.

I am having no luck finding someone to nanny-share with. One measly reply to my Craig's List posting. My new strategy will be advertising on bulletin boards in my new 'hood, but I am starting to panic a wee bit.

Blah.

I haven't exercised in week.

Blah.

The weekend is over and I didn't even unpack one stupid box or paint one single wall.

20-Year Meme

2008-07-09T12:57:00.000-07:00

Ooh, fun, Shelley tagged me for a meme... I never get tagged.

20 years ago I:

was 10 years old
lived in a small town in Ontario
had a 5th grade teacher who was obsessed with nuclear armageddon
bit my friend's brother on the ear until it bled
read Wuthering Heights and decided it was my favourite book

10 years ago I

was 20
dropped out for a semester, then switched my major from political science to journalism
backpacked through Borneo
was in counselling for fairly severe depression
worked in the cafeteria of a law school and thought law students were potentially the most snooty people on the planet

5 years ago I

was 25
met D and moved in with him
worked as a program officer for the government and hated it
wrote my LSAT
went to Burning Man for the second time
shaved my head

3 years ago I

finished my first year of law school
got engaged
bought our first condo
went on anti-anxiety medications for six months
spent a heavenly week in Provence

So far this year I

turned 30
sold our condo and bought a house
continued to be in remission from my depression/anxiety
fell even more in love with my baby and my husband
ran a half-marathon

Yesterday I

met friends for dinner at a sort of fancy restaurant for dinner with LM
spent naptime in the backyard reading instead of unpacking
climbed through a small hole in 5-foot fence in a cemetery and lifted the stroller over it
talked about post-baby body image issues with a group of women at a new mom support group
watched LM learn how to clap

Today I

read part of Late Nights on Air
am bummed to be stuck in the house waiting around for appliance delivery people
mopped the kitchen floor
got the first two discs of The Wire: Season 4 in the mail
cursed Stephen Harper and his moronic excuses for not doing anything to reduce greenhouse gas emissions

Tomorrow I will

go to music class with LM
attempt to get my nap in before said music class
watch an episode of The Wire
go to the park
try to savour these lazy summer days as my maternity leave winds down

In the next year I will

learn to juggle working full-time with motherhood
go to Mexico for a wedding
finish my articles and become a lawyer
contemplate getting pregnant again the following year
be amazed and appreciative for all my many, many blessings

I tag: Kaitlyn, Michelle and Lindsay.

Too Tired of Unpacking for a Real Post

2008-07-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

Unpacking takes so much longer when there's a little wriggler around - especially one who has just figured out how to crawl on all fours (more or less anyway) and who tends to crawl over and wrap his little body around your legs and look up at you pleadingly.

Settling In

2008-07-06T06:45:00.000-07:00

D and I are not always the most sensible people. For example, when we got they keys to our home, instead of spending the day taping and painting while the place was still empty, we jetted off to Home Depot and spent four hours there buying all kinds of random things, including a kiddie pool, a lawn mower and a new (LG!) washer/dryer to replace the pair downstairs. All of these are more or less necessary and going to be utilised, but they probably could have held off a week as we are now in the midst of painting hell, attempting to tape and cut and roll around all these large boxes that we can't put away until we've finished taping, cutting and rolling. On the bright side I had a wonderful birthday watching LM splash around naked in his new pool.

Then yesterday we wiled away our Saturday by visiting Costco, something D has been dying to do ever since he contemplated us having enough storage to make it worthwhile. As a result we now have 87 rolls of toilet paper and 50lb of cat litter, but our living room is still a disaster zone. I did manage to talk him out of eating there - the meal we had at Home Depot the week before having rather turned me off.

But home ownership over all is going well. I was a bit worried we'd feel like we were in the middle of nowhere since our new neighbourhood is far more residential than our old one, and the closest high streets are a much less pretty. But I actually feel like we've moved to a hipper, cooler place; unlike our old, staid, established 'hood, this place is hopping in the evenings, with children playing, old women sitting on park benches chatting, young men playing basketball and bocce, and a general feeling of activity and life. I love it!

From the Mouths of Babes

2008-06-26T22:42:00.000-07:00

The other day I was happily bouncing my two-year old niece on my knee while we sang "Walk Old Joe" when she looks over and grazes my chest with her hands. She looks up at me with her big blue eyes and says: "That's where LM eats."

"Um, yes"

"Eats milk," she says. "Only milk."

"Well, he eats some other things too."

"No, only milk."

Ah... you know you're a mother when the only comments that are made about your chest have to do with milk production.

Anyway, we are indeed homeowners, registered and all, with possession tomorrow. Our Internet access is getting shut off in the wee hours and the stupid ISP can't flick the switch to turn it back on for a few days. Between then and now I'll be celebrating a rather momentous birthday, so think of me as I cross the threshold from sweet young thing to, er, not so young anymore (though, I guess given my niece's comments, that threshold is likely already passed.)

Homeless

2008-06-25T12:26:00.000-07:00

We no longer own the place we live in! We still have possession for a couple more days, but the title is now in someone else's name. We haven't closed our new place yet, but that should happen tomorrow. If I were working at my firm right now, they probably would have handled all the transfers for me at cost, but since I don't know the real estate associates or paralegals, it didn't feel right popping in and saying "Hey, I know y'all haven't seen me in months, but anyone got some free legal services for me?"

So we hired a solo practitioner - he's great and very detail-oriented, but he does seem to operate in a bit of panic mode at times. A few days ago he called at about 4:30 to tell us our insurance agent hadn't been able to secure insurance for our new place (without which the mortgage company will not give us any money). By the time we got the message at 5:30 the insurance agent and the lawyer had gone home so D and I had a white-knuckle evening before finally sorting out the next morning that in fact all our insurance was in place and the paperwork just hadn't been sent to the lawyer.

That scare was topped by today - I was awoken from a very pleasant nap to hear his voice on the machine: "NOT a good time to not answer your phone. We have a problem with your mortgage." I called him back to find out that we just had to sign a few things because we changed our amortisation period. (We will still pay it off as if we are amortised for a shorter period, but this way if there is another mat leave, or lay-off or something in the future, we can reduce our payments for awhile.)

Then he says "Oh, and the mortgage company hasn't sent the money in from your sale yet, and if it's not here by now, it's not coming, so we won't be closing tomorrow." My heart barely had time to jump into my throat before he says "Oh, er, wait, actually someone just dropped a FedEx off on my desk and the money's here." Um, yay?

To get the revised documents signed in a time frame that wouldn't give my lawyer a heart attack, I had to wake up LM from a nap, which as the mother of any crappy sleeper will know, is an extremely painful thing to do. It was made doubly painful by the fact that he refused to nap yesterday and was awake ALL day with the exception of a 40-minute period around 3:30pm. And he was out so cold when I woke him - not even flinching as I pulled off the covers or turned on the light.

So anyway, let's hope there are no more panics before tomorrow; if not we will be home-owners and house-owners! We will have a backyard, and a screen door, and a family room, and stucco, and front steps and a shed. Hooray!*

*This hooray does not constitute an official self-congratulations. The hooray described in this document is subject to restrictions and congratulations must be offered only in compliance with these restrictions.

Not Packing

2008-06-21T21:51:00.000-07:00

I should be packing right now, since we are moving in less than a week! Egads. I did a few boxes of books today, but other than that everything is still completely in its place - all the knick-knacks, dishes, clothes, and other tchotkes. But I hate having my place in a mess, and so I guess I'd rather have a couple of days of packing hell rather than a week or more of boxing messiness. I unpack really quickly too - although with LM it will be more of a challenge.

D is out tonight at a stag party so I am watching Sex and the City. I love the show and all the subplots. But I just cannot get excited about Mr. Big. The scenes where Carrie is pining over him and having public temper tantrums because he is dating someone else - ugh - painful. I mean the guy is a complete ass. I guess that's the point, but somehow it's just not as entertaining anymore. I think I related to this show more five years ago (and maybe, just maybe had a tantrum or two myself.) But we all have our guilty pleasures, right?

Some of My Close Friends Are Cyclists

2008-06-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

My baby brother has decided to throw his hat in the ring for a local political position. I think it's great - he's a young, radical, idealistic guy, but at the same time he's very reasonable, articulate and compassionate. In short - just the kind of person we want in politics. I must admit to a tinge of envy as I'd love to do something political eventually as well.

Anyway, his campaigning efforts are very grassroots. I came up with the idea that we should wear t-shirts with his name on them and attend local neighbourhood events where there are people likely to be sympathetic to his cause.

My brother is a very keen cyclist and part of his platform includes alternatives to car transportation. He does own a car, I think, but I have never seen him drive. In fact, I've never even seen it. He rides his bike everywhere and is active in Critical Mass events held in our city. (For those not familiar, on the last Friday of the month cyclists meet up at some key location and ride together through the streets to raise awareness and encourage biking; it can be controversial among motorists who are caught unaware, since the cyclists "cork" the intersections and prevent traffic from going through until the whole group, often thousands, has gone through.)

While I agree with that platform, and I think cars should be much more careful and more respectful of bikers, I do find some of the self-righteousness a little tiresome. This weekend we were driving down our street and there was a cyclist riding right smack-dab in the middle of the lane. It was a very wide lane and there were no cars parked on the side of the road to avoid, so it was a little bit obnoxious of her. Unphased, we passed her on the left, giving her at least four feet of clearance. We thought we had been quite respectful, so we were rather shocked to see her cursing us in the rearview mirror.

At the intersection she caught up to us and said "You were getting kind of close there." Never one to resist a fight, I had already rolled down my window and come up with a saucy reply. "It's called 'Share the Road'," I said, "not take up the entire road with your bike." Then there was sparring back and forth in which I proclaimed myself a cyclist as well (okay, sort of a white lie, but I did ride my road bike a lot before LM came along) and she told me we weren't using common sense. Sometimes people are far too self-righteous to reason with so I finally just looked away. (Thought of a great come-back two blocks later though.)

A few minutes later I suddenly realised both D and I were wearing our very bright, very large print "Vote Little Brother!" t-shirts. We started laughing until tears rolled down our face, because I'm sure that this crazy woman is probably someone who would absolutely love some of Little Brother's platforms. I called Little Bro to tell him about it, but somehow he didn't find it quite as uproariously funny as I did, so I decided to come here and tell you all instead.

The World is A Little Sweeter

2008-06-16T22:14:00.001-07:00

LM was grumpy all day, whining and wanting to be held and generally miserable. Finally around 5:30 I took his temperature and found he had a fever of over 101 under his arm - and that was with my crappy thermometer that always seems to register lower than my basal one. I felt like such a moron - here I was dragging him out and around, pushing him in the swing at the park and trying to interest him in random passing dogs. Poor kid was probably thinking "Just take me home woman! Can't you feel I'm BURNING UP?" I am just not much of a worrier when it comes to illness so it never occurred to me that it might be something more than just teething. Of course by then the doctor's office was closed and I realised he'd probably had the fever for quite a while given how crappy he was acting all day. I called the Nurse Hotline in tears and spoke to a very sweet RN.

"Is it his first time being sick?" she asked.

"His first fever," I said.

"Well, he'll have plenty more," she said with a smile in her voice.

That was my second crying jag of the day. The first was when I was driving in the car and White Coat, Black Art was on. They were interviewing a doctor who specialises in counselling dying children. One of the things he does is help them come up with assignments for their families to remember them, because often these children are afraid they'll be forgotten. So it reassures the child to task the family with some sort of commemorative ritual, like asking them to eat the child's favourite meal every year on his or her birthday. I liked that idea.

The doctor being interviewed also said that dying children never ask "why me?" at least not in their discussions with him. Instead they worry about their parents: "Will mummy be okay?" When I heard that that, I started sobbing. Tears were rolling down my face. I had to pause and regain my breath after stopping the car.

I feel like motherhood has given me so much more empathy than I used to have. You'd think I'd have already had that sort of empathy towards the sick - having had one parent die slowly from cancer, and having another battle it off twice. I've seen a lot of death. But I don't think that story would have made me cry 10 months ago. Somehow since I've had a child the whole human race just seems a little more vulnerable and likable, and well... human.

With that, I'm off to cuddle my sweet, clammy boy.

Do Not Call Me!

2008-06-13T08:26:00.001-07:00

One of the crappy things about being home much of the day is the nine million and four telemarketing calls I have to field. I used to work as a telemarketer, for about four hours (before hiding in a bathroom stall and leaving while we were all on our scheduled "break"), so I know what a miserable plight it is to be cold-calling. But the sheer volume of calls means I have no patience to be nice to them anymore.

MBNA Mastercard alone calls me about four times a week, and I get about two or three calls a week from various charities who always, jarringly, call me by my first name. "Hi, Grass?" I'm not much of one for standing on ceremony, but when they do that then I think it's some buddy of mine and I feel compelled to be friendly. Lately I've taken to saying "Who is this?" in a rude voice, but of course a couple of times it has actually been a friend, and then I'm embarrassed.

If I were less compulsive, I'd just screen all my calls. But I'm like the Dustin Hoffman character in Moonlight Mile - I can't not pick up the phone. The only time I don't is when LM is in the bath, and even then, it kills me. So it's doubly annoying when I've rushed for the phone only to find that there's no one there at all - just dead air because some computer miscalculated how many calls their centre can handle. They're not supposed to be allowed to do that but they do, at least once a day.

Canada's laws on telemarketing are pretty toothless. While organisations are obliged to keep their own do not call lists, there is as of yet, no national one. It is, apparently,no-call list being launched in September but even that contains a number of exceptions, for example, for companies with whom you have an existing relationship. Which means the 3 "courtesy calls" that D got this week from CIBC will continue.

After complaining to a friend about the myriad of calls I get, he suggested I threaten to call the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission. So yesterday when MBNA called me, this is what I said.

MBNA: Hello, is Grass there?
Me: Who is this?
MBNA: Oh, it's MBNA Mastercard calling about your...
Me: I want to get on your Do Not Call List.
MBNA: But ma'am [suddenly the first name is dropped] I don't understand. I'm calling about your existing platinum ... [trying to invoke the "existing business relationship" rule]
Me: I don't have an existing platinum account. Seriously, I want to be put on the Do Not Call list or I will be calling the CRTC.
MBNA: Alright then; I will make a note of that. Please allow at least 50 days for your number to be removed from lists already provided to ongoing marketing campaigns.
Me: Bye.

So it worked - sort of. We'll see.

Childcare and Running Triumphs

2008-06-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the daycare advice and wisdom. So to elaborate a bit more, a nanny share is basically hiring a nanny to look after your child and also the child of another family. Some people also talk about nanny sharing as in you'd have the nanny 1/2 the time, and the other family 1/2 the time, thereby providing full-time employment, but the way we want to do it is to actually have the nanny take care of both children. Hence the need to find another family with a child of similar-ish age, and preferably living nearby. Most of my mommy friends aren't that close by or aren't planning full-time work.

I haven't totally ruled out putting him in an unlicensed daycare situation (licensed day care being far too difficult to get into), but I feel like a nanny will provide us with more flexibility. Also, he's pretty used to being attended to by one person so I'm not sure how a daycare would deal with his peccadilloes - I can't imagine him napping easily for example. Perhaps I am underestimating him and he'd adjust just fine. But regardless, the cost is surprisingly comparable and it is far more convenient, so I'm leaning towards nanny-sharing. I'll probably go through an agency or referral service to hire the nanny, or else rely on word of mouth. The advantage to the agency scenario is they guarantee you someone who will remain with you at least a year and I know my friend who has hired via Craig's List seems to have a rapid rate of turnover - but I'm glad to hear that can be successful, and I won't rule it out. Unfortunately (but logically) most people looking for work want to be hired fairly immediately, so scarily this part of the arrangement will have to be a bit more last-minute.

In other news, I ran my first half-marathon this weekend. I didn't have an amazing time, but I was able to run the entire 22.1 kilometres (doing 10s and 1s, as is my practice) without any unscheduled breaks, despite some rather nasty hills near the end. It was a tough course, but it was a lot of fun. An hour and a half into I was still feeling great, loving the scenery and the camaraderie of the other racers. A wave of nausea and fatigue hit me near the end, but a carbo gel pack (disgusting tasting) got me through and I hit the finish line with D and LM cheering me on. LM wasn't literally cheering of course, but he did like the medal I got and promptly grabbed it from me to put in his mouth.

In conclusion, I leave you with a photo. I was trying to capture his two new teeth; he wouldn't cooperate by opening his mouth at the appropriate angle, so I didn't get them, but I did get the lashes. Are they not insane?

Day Care

2008-06-04T21:54:00.001-07:00

Grrr - for some weird reason Blogger ate one of my posts. Or at least failed to publish it. Now I'm looking like the derelict, not-even-weekly blogger!

I'm starting to freak a little about childcare for LM. There don't really seem to be any daycares in my new area (although admittedly, I haven't looked very hard), and there are some downtown but they are crazy hard to get into (read: you need to put your bébé on that waitlist before the pregnancy pee stick dries). I don't see any real advantage in having a kid in daycare that's not where I live or work, so nanny sharing seems like a good option. Now I just need to find a family in my area who wants to share.

I guess I should just put an ad on Craig's List or something but that just seems like a sketch-o-rama way to find childcare. I mean the people I've advertised to before can't even be bothered to show up and pay for the $20 bookshelves they swore they wanted over the phone, and I'm going to ask them to help me figure out daycare? Blah.

Mommy Wars

2008-06-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

I think most parents are convinced that their own kids are utter geniuses. I know I am. It amazes me that LM can deftly pick up his rice puffs and manipulate them into his mouth, that he looks around for the cat when I say her name, or when I sign "cat" to him, that he waves to us when we leave and will patiently flip through pages of a board book for 15 minutes, pausing to look at all the pictures. And yes, my friends and I occasionally compare - some of them are crawling, some of them can pull themselves up on things, some of them are starting to sign.

I think it's natural to think your kid is a genius, though it's probably best to try and confine your assuredness on this front to people most inclined to agree, grandma, dad, uncle, and maybe the people still reading your blog even though it contains mostly mundane posts about your baby. Probably wise not wax on about it the woman at play centre whose kid is a month older and isn't doing what yours is. And I think it's okay to compare as long as you're not trying to compete - after all it's natural; e-mails often go around in my group of mother friends: "Any crawlers?" "Any teeth?" "How are you handling solids?" It's all part of the learning process and helps you know what might be coming next.

But I have one friend who is constantly telling me how wonderful and intelligent her child is, without a hint of irony, or any sense that she might be, well, a tad biased. Every wise and wonderful thing he has done must be detailed. And the milestones this wunderchild hit late? It wasn't because she couldn't do it; it was because she "didn't want to." Or she "thought it was dumb." Seriously.

And the worst part is, mum will then sometimes criticise other children; sure that other little boy might have crawled earlier, but he really sucked at something else that is obviously far more indicative of intelligence and he was nowhere near as "tuned in" as her little girl. The reality is, you see your own child a lot more, so of course they seem more tuned in. It was a shock to me when my sister-in-law saw LM laughing at her and said she hadn't seen him be that "interactive" before. To me he always seems that interactive.

I love watching LM start doing new things. I do tend to focus on the things he has done early and take them as evidence of his brilliance. But in the end, it really doesn't matter. I was an early milestone kid; D hit them late, as did my brother. And guess what, as adults we're all intelligent, successful and happy. And just as we were then, we're all good at different things. But the speed at which we toilet-trained, or cut teeth, or walked has not had any discernible impact on our current lives.

Uh-Oh

2008-05-28T15:51:00.000-07:00

Things I have pulled out of Little Man's mouth today:

cardboard paint chip, in multiple pieces
live power cord
sock (D's)
shoe (mine)
laptop key that he pulled off the keyboard and held in his mouth for several minutes before I noticed
National Geographic, Harper's and Domino
Giant tuft of cat hair from under the sofa
Cat's tail

And he's not even mobile yet! Yesterday he was digging dirt out of the pots and eating cat food. I am going to be in for it.

Sleep Challenges

2008-05-25T21:23:00.000-07:00

Yet more sleep challenges in the Grass is Greener household. LM's stretches are actually getting longer and more and more he is up only twice between the time we go to bed and wake up. Absolutely heavenly. However, he has become more and more dependent on me for sleep. In the morning, we nap together - a luxury I love. We started it partly because I love the sleep and partly because he won't really nap otherwise, not for more than 20 minutes or so. But the moment I get up and creep away, his eyes whip open. That's not a real problem per se, but how does he know?

And one thing that always went right, or we thought, was bedtime. He always nodded off nicely to sleep after nursing him. Sure, he might be up an hour later, but with a few jiggles, a rock, maybe a nurse, he'd be back down. Now he just refuses to go to sleep in the first place. Instead of being a sweet, sleepy bundle as I place him in the crib, he's a live wire jumping and kicking his legs and smiling. And the second I leave the room there are screams that make my fillings rattle. At first we figured maybe he just wasn't tired - after all his schedule has been out of whack with all our travel, so we let him stay up. But then he did it again, and again. And he's clearly tired, rubbing his eyes, getting cranky and so on. But he just does not want to fall asleep in a room that we're not in. And yet, I treasure my evenings - I need them to keep some semblance of self and sanity. I really do not want my baby still awake at 9 p.m. So blah to that.

You know what's kind of hilarious? I think I may have to become the world's first co-sleeping cry-it-outer. You would think a child who has such positive associations with sleep - nestling into his mother's arms, nursing on demand, cuddled up all warm and cosy - wouldn't fight it so damn much.

Why You Shouldn't Have a Child to Strengthen Your Relationship

2008-05-24T20:08:00.001-07:00

I have all these half-started posts in my head, and some in Blogger, but I'm just sort of at a loss these days. I could come in and write a bunch of random stuff, but that seems sort of boring.

One of the things that has occurred to me recently is how hard having a kid is on your marriage. People told me this before, and I always thought - sure, for you guys, but not for us. But eight months in, I have to say, it is really, really tough.

For one thing, when you have a child there's this third person inserted in your relationship. And you love that third person so very, very much. It's not that I love him more than D - it's a totally different kind of love. But right now, at this stage of LM's development, he is just so dependent on me, so his needs come first a lot of the time. Not always, but a lot of the time. And he just needs me so much. And I love being needed like that, but sometimes after spending a whole day taking care of someone else, I do not have a lot left in me for anyone else.

I have been increasingly snappy and short with D. I'm often frustrated when the dishes aren't done, the baby isn't fed at the right time, the clothes are on the floor again. So I am resolving to stop doing this - to be nicer and more patient. But I also do think some of my complaints are valid and that I do need a little more help around the house, so I also need to think of nicer ways to ask D to help. Even when I ask in a nice or patient tone, I feel like I'm constantly nagging. Don't you wish there was a way so that you didn't have to ask? But the reality is, you do have to ask, because he's not always home to notice the cobwebs in the hall or to observe LM is now napping twice a day and not three times.

We had a long talk about all of this today, and that was great. One strength we've always had is communication. (And no, D doesn't read this, although he knows about it, so I am not using it as a passive-aggressive tool to communicate with him.)

Anyway, I'm not sure how eloquent this all is, but I consider myself so lucky to have a husband who does so much, who is a great father, who adores me and his child. We are each other's best friend. And we have a child who has gone from being a fussy, colicky little guy to being the sweetest most happy little boy who is so much fun. But still, it's hard! I hate admitting that - I hate admitting that it's a challenge; it doesn't seem right that something so joyful should be. But it is, for the most mundane reasons.

Miscellanii

2008-05-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

A series of random posts that have occurred to me recently:

1. For the past two weeks I've been staying with friends and family. I'm back home now, and while it feels wonderful, there is one part I really miss: Showers alone. For two whole weeks there was always another pair of hands to entertain Little Man so I could linger under the hot water. But as of yesterday it's just him and me again. Showers are far less relaxing when you have to constantly be poking your head out from behind the curtain yelping "Peekaboo!" in order to keep him from melting down. I think his separation anxiety has eased a bit in the last couple of weeks but he's still not prepared to be in a different room from me if he's awake. (Or asleep - but that's another post.)

2. My cat - After the baby was born the former queen of the roost was suddenly person a(cattus?) non grata. But pet lovers everywhere will be relieved to know I have stopped hating her so much. I actually kind of like her again, which is good, because she was accustomed to a lot of love before. LM has enough love for the both of us - he adores her. But although I'm starting to enjoy having a pet again, I still really hate her when she stands outside his room while he's asleep and meowing at the top of her lungs.

3. Food - I make most of LM's food (except when we're travelling, then we go to jars) and I'm sort of particular about it. How do I deal with all the annoying people who constantly want to give him cookies? I'd really just prefer to keep him off sugar for at least a year, maybe more. I'm not totally obnoxious about it - when we visited my aunt she was desperate to give him a popsicle (!!!) since she said that all her kids loved them when they were fussy. I figured since he probably wouldn't see her for another two years and popsicles were not going to be part of a daily regimen, that it was no big deal. He didn't like it anyway. But we have friends in town who are constantly offering arrowroots, Mum-mums et cetera. I just figure if there's no nutritional value in it, I'd rather not give it to him. But it's starting to get hard to refuse without being insulting. I realise a Mum-mum or five is not the end of the world, but we all pick our battles as parents and for whatever reason, food is mine. I thought about saying he doesn't like them, but it's not all that convincing when he's reaching for it.

Woops - nap over. Gotta run.

Uneventful Plane Ride

2008-05-12T19:24:00.000-07:00

The travel gods were good to me today and we had a very non-eventful plane ride with LM. (Well, there one was one more poop incident - but after my train ride I delegated all en route diaper changes to D.) Two people actually thanked me afterward for "such a good baby." Maybe some of them were on the plane ride with us there and had traumatic memories of the screaming baby on that plane.

It feels good to be home - there are little tiny green shoots on the evergreen trees, the fruit trees are blossoming. Spring was just around the corner when I left and now it is finally here. Oh, and it's so nice to be back to the food here. I remember when I moved here, one of the "cultural differences" I noticed was a rather neurotic preoccupation with food. I think I am now one of those neurotic foodies. And that feels okay.

I have more to write, but I am so tired, and more importantly, so is LM.

How to Dissaude Random Strangers from Procreating

2008-05-06T18:20:00.000-07:00

How to dissuade random strangers from procreating:

1. Book five-hour train trip with infant

2. Feed infant loads of fruit before trip

3. 40 minutes into train ride discover baby has pooped and change facilities are lacking.

4. Change baby on floor between seats, which are mercifully empty

5. 80 minutes into train ride change poopy diaper number two - no pun intended. Accidentally get poop all over your hands. Subtly try to wipe it off before other passengers see you.

6. Three hours into train ride change poopy diaper number three. Realise poop is all over babies clothes. While trying to dispose of diaper in barf bag, accidentally smear poop all over bag and hands. Leave half-naked baby on train floor as you try to rifle through your baggage for new clothes since for the first time in three weeks you have neglected to pack extra outfit.

7. Because of absence of garbage bags, spend next two hours sitting next to barf bags full of extremely stinky diapers. Avoid glances from the few train passengers who thankfully missed the naked baby show and are now quizzically trying to locate the source of foul smell.

8. In struggle to remove three suitcases, playpen, stroller, baby and car seat from train, accidentally forget poopy diaper bag on train.

Believe me, no one who sees this go down is going to be in any rush to have children.

A Full-Time Job

2008-05-03T20:33:00.001-07:00

Been thinking more about my training dilemma and what to do with Little Man. You know what I hate? I hate that I always have to be the one to figure out what we do with him. I can go on the training, but I have to arrange childcare, or ask D if he'll take the time off.

When we got pregnant, although we were thrilled, it was unexpected timing and my life plan had to shift around quite a bit. No one asked me whether I wanted to sacrifice my clerkship - it was assumed that if someone stayed home for the year of EI, that it would be me. No one asked me if I wanted to put on 40 pounds, or feel sick for four months, or deal with a borderline colicky baby for 12 hours a day while D worked hellish hours in the first four months. But I did. And yes he did agree to be home early two nights a week, but that was still a lot of long lonely nights at home in our tiny apartment with my laptop after LM fell asleep. So why should I feel bad asking D to take the time off now?

My career is just as important as his is. All year D has said that when I go back to work, he is going to go down to four days a week, at least temporarily. But that changed when I reminded him that next year, someone would have to be home at 6 each night to get LM from daycare or nanny, and it won't always be me. His first instinct was to suggest an au pair, so that we can have the flexibility to work late. "D," I said, "we didn't have a child so that he can spend 12 hours a day in the care of someone else - I think we need to commit to the idea that at least one of us will be home by 6 almost every night." Once I said it, he agreed, but it bugs me that I even had to say it. And the end result is that since he can't work the insane hours during the week, he feels he has no right to ask for the reduced workweek he had planned to negotiate.

He called me today to let me know he'd phoned around about some nanny services for August; it was meant to be a thoughtful gesture, but I must admit it grated on me. I hate that while I'm doing the training, I'm still going to be responsible for managing LM the whole week on my own - making sure the nanny isn't crazy, rushing back after the training and so on.

Don't get me wrong, D is an amazing and involved father. He changes almost all the diapers on the weekend. When LM cries at night, D leaps up to get him. He plays with him, gives him baths, feeds him, gets up with him in the morning on weekends to let me sleep, and does at least 50% of the childcare when he's around. And as for work, he makes nearly three times what I will in my articling year (articling students in my city do not make much) and he manages our finances, so he puts a lot of pressure on himself at work as well.

But I think there are going to be real challenges as I get back into the work force. It's going to be really hard for both of us to shift mentality - I won't be the default daycare anymore. And I admit that sometimes I feel like Dads only have to be Dads when they're not doing the 9 to 5 (or 7 to 7 as the case may be.) Motherhood is a 24-hour a day profession.

Sold!

2008-05-02T13:44:00.000-07:00

Our place sold! Yahoo. And for just $500 less than the initial offer, so all in all it worked out wonderfully. Thanks for your positive thoughts (and your lovely compliments on LM.) To answer your question Kaitlyn, I don't think he looks that much like either of us, at least not in the way some babies do where you look at them and see one parent. However, if you look at baby photos of D, and also of my brother, there are a lot of similarities with both of them. (And I think he has my eyes! But luckily for him, someone else's long lashes.)

Can't believe how quickly work is creeping up on me. I got an e-mail from my boss a couple of days ago asking if I wanted to do some training in the Big Smoke. Training opportunities are fairly few and far between in my city, at least at our office, plus I think it would be really cool to meet some of the students one of the bigger offices and participate in their training. Plus it will be kinda fun to spend some time in Canada's law capital. Obviously I've been to the city before (am in fact headed there next week) but not in any sort of lawyerly function. I said yes immediately.

Problem is, it's in August, before my mat leave is officially over. So it begs the question - what to do with LM? It's hard to imagine what he'll be like three months from now. Right now he is going through this big separation anxiety phase, and when I leave him to go to the gym, yoga, shopping, whatever, he'll often cry for an extended period - it's very trying on his caregivers, and him. I'm not sure if he'll be as dependent on me once he's more mobile and so on, but what if he is? Also, I don't want to wean him yet, so leaving him for four days could be both physically and emotionally traumatic for us both. I'd be engorged and I'd have to pump to maintain my supply, and I think the sudden weaning, even if it's temporary, could be fairly traumatic for LM.

So I have three options, more or less in order of preference:

1. Take LM with me, convince D to take a week of holidays and all go together;
Pros: LM's transition to me as a working woman is less traumatic; he spends time with Dad and we get to see some of D's family.
Cons: We'd prefer to spend D's vacation time working on the house; ticket cost.

2. Take LM and hire a nanny service to take care of him while I am there.
Pros: LM doesn't have to undergo sudden weaning; I don't suddenly disappear from his life for a week when previously he's never been away from me for more than a few hours;
Cons: Cost; LM is left alone with a stranger in a strange place.

3. Leave LM at home and hope D can take a vacation week, or arrange some other child care.
Pros: I can just relax on training and don't have to juggle LM's morning and evening rituals; can take advantage of all the dinners and so on.
Cons: I can only base it on how he is now, but I think this could be fairly traumatic for LM; he'd survive, but it would be kinda painful for him and by extension, for me; I'd have to be diligent about pumping and maintaining supply; we risk damaging our breastfeeding relationship.

Decisions, decisions. I'm definitely leaning toward #1 or 2, but am keeping #3 in mind just in case LM does become radically more independent.

Throw Me a Bone!

2008-04-30T20:05:00.001-07:00

Blah - waiting for the final word on the outstanding offer. Ugh! Keep your fingers crossed.

In other news, I was at a café with another mum and baby today. The waitress kept cooing over my friend's baby.

"She's so precious!"

"She's so lovely!"

"Can I carry her into the kitchen and show her off?"

Her only acknowledgment of LM was, as we were leaving, "He's a... good little baby, isn't he?"

Now obviously my friend's baby is a complete sweetheart, but for god's sake, throw my kid a bone! Clearly the woman was insane, and also, blind. Luckily I don't need any outsider's confirmation that he is the most adorable seven-month old on the planet, because well, the proof is right there on his face!

Lazing in the sand.

Not digging the baby sunglasses.

All the proof I need!