Why You Shouldn't Have a Child to Strengthen Your Relationship
I have all these half-started posts in my head, and some in Blogger, but I'm just sort of at a loss these days. I could come in and write a bunch of random stuff, but that seems sort of boring.
One of the things that has occurred to me recently is how hard having a kid is on your marriage. People told me this before, and I always thought - sure, for you guys, but not for us. But eight months in, I have to say, it is really, really tough.
For one thing, when you have a child there's this third person inserted in your relationship. And you love that third person so very, very much. It's not that I love him more than D - it's a totally different kind of love. But right now, at this stage of LM's development, he is just so dependent on me, so his needs come first a lot of the time. Not always, but a lot of the time. And he just needs me so much. And I love being needed like that, but sometimes after spending a whole day taking care of someone else, I do not have a lot left in me for anyone else.
I have been increasingly snappy and short with D. I'm often frustrated when the dishes aren't done, the baby isn't fed at the right time, the clothes are on the floor again. So I am resolving to stop doing this - to be nicer and more patient. But I also do think some of my complaints are valid and that I do need a little more help around the house, so I also need to think of nicer ways to ask D to help. Even when I ask in a nice or patient tone, I feel like I'm constantly nagging. Don't you wish there was a way so that you didn't have to ask? But the reality is, you do have to ask, because he's not always home to notice the cobwebs in the hall or to observe LM is now napping twice a day and not three times.
We had a long talk about all of this today, and that was great. One strength we've always had is communication. (And no, D doesn't read this, although he knows about it, so I am not using it as a passive-aggressive tool to communicate with him.)
Anyway, I'm not sure how eloquent this all is, but I consider myself so lucky to have a husband who does so much, who is a great father, who adores me and his child. We are each other's best friend. And we have a child who has gone from being a fussy, colicky little guy to being the sweetest most happy little boy who is so much fun. But still, it's hard! I hate admitting that - I hate admitting that it's a challenge; it doesn't seem right that something so joyful should be. But it is, for the most mundane reasons.
One of the things that has occurred to me recently is how hard having a kid is on your marriage. People told me this before, and I always thought - sure, for you guys, but not for us. But eight months in, I have to say, it is really, really tough.
For one thing, when you have a child there's this third person inserted in your relationship. And you love that third person so very, very much. It's not that I love him more than D - it's a totally different kind of love. But right now, at this stage of LM's development, he is just so dependent on me, so his needs come first a lot of the time. Not always, but a lot of the time. And he just needs me so much. And I love being needed like that, but sometimes after spending a whole day taking care of someone else, I do not have a lot left in me for anyone else.
I have been increasingly snappy and short with D. I'm often frustrated when the dishes aren't done, the baby isn't fed at the right time, the clothes are on the floor again. So I am resolving to stop doing this - to be nicer and more patient. But I also do think some of my complaints are valid and that I do need a little more help around the house, so I also need to think of nicer ways to ask D to help. Even when I ask in a nice or patient tone, I feel like I'm constantly nagging. Don't you wish there was a way so that you didn't have to ask? But the reality is, you do have to ask, because he's not always home to notice the cobwebs in the hall or to observe LM is now napping twice a day and not three times.
We had a long talk about all of this today, and that was great. One strength we've always had is communication. (And no, D doesn't read this, although he knows about it, so I am not using it as a passive-aggressive tool to communicate with him.)
Anyway, I'm not sure how eloquent this all is, but I consider myself so lucky to have a husband who does so much, who is a great father, who adores me and his child. We are each other's best friend. And we have a child who has gone from being a fussy, colicky little guy to being the sweetest most happy little boy who is so much fun. But still, it's hard! I hate admitting that - I hate admitting that it's a challenge; it doesn't seem right that something so joyful should be. But it is, for the most mundane reasons.
Labels: dylan, motherhood
posted by grass @ 8:08 PM
1 Comments:
At 4:07 PM ,
kaitlyn said...
Sooooo true!! It's a constant effort to *not* nag about things. I think part of it is learning to let some things go that used to matter. Not things like importance of nap times, but maybe that it doesn't matter so much when things haven't been dusted in a couple weeks or he cleans the toilet "differently" (read: not as good). Congrats on staying strong for the last eight months though, I think having children must be one of the hardest impacts on a relationship, it seems to either make or break them. :)
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