A Full-Time Job

Been thinking more about my training dilemma and what to do with Little Man. You know what I hate? I hate that I always have to be the one to figure out what we do with him. I can go on the training, but I have to arrange childcare, or ask D if he'll take the time off.

When we got pregnant, although we were thrilled, it was unexpected timing and my life plan had to shift around quite a bit. No one asked me whether I wanted to sacrifice my clerkship - it was assumed that if someone stayed home for the year of EI, that it would be me. No one asked me if I wanted to put on 40 pounds, or feel sick for four months, or deal with a borderline colicky baby for 12 hours a day while D worked hellish hours in the first four months. But I did. And yes he did agree to be home early two nights a week, but that was still a lot of long lonely nights at home in our tiny apartment with my laptop after LM fell asleep. So why should I feel bad asking D to take the time off now?

My career is just as important as his is. All year D has said that when I go back to work, he is going to go down to four days a week, at least temporarily. But that changed when I reminded him that next year, someone would have to be home at 6 each night to get LM from daycare or nanny, and it won't always be me. His first instinct was to suggest an au pair, so that we can have the flexibility to work late. "D," I said, "we didn't have a child so that he can spend 12 hours a day in the care of someone else - I think we need to commit to the idea that at least one of us will be home by 6 almost every night." Once I said it, he agreed, but it bugs me that I even had to say it. And the end result is that since he can't work the insane hours during the week, he feels he has no right to ask for the reduced workweek he had planned to negotiate.

He called me today to let me know he'd phoned around about some nanny services for August; it was meant to be a thoughtful gesture, but I must admit it grated on me. I hate that while I'm doing the training, I'm still going to be responsible for managing LM the whole week on my own - making sure the nanny isn't crazy, rushing back after the training and so on.

Don't get me wrong, D is an amazing and involved father. He changes almost all the diapers on the weekend. When LM cries at night, D leaps up to get him. He plays with him, gives him baths, feeds him, gets up with him in the morning on weekends to let me sleep, and does at least 50% of the childcare when he's around. And as for work, he makes nearly three times what I will in my articling year (articling students in my city do not make much) and he manages our finances, so he puts a lot of pressure on himself at work as well.

But I think there are going to be real challenges as I get back into the work force. It's going to be really hard for both of us to shift mentality - I won't be the default daycare anymore. And I admit that sometimes I feel like Dads only have to be Dads when they're not doing the 9 to 5 (or 7 to 7 as the case may be.) Motherhood is a 24-hour a day profession.