Dilemma
When I got pregnant, one my big regrets regarding the timing was that it meant that I'd have to turn down my clerkship. It was a really tough decision, and I still sort of lament it. Yesterday I got a call from the courts - apparently two clerks have left, one for family reasons, one for reasons unspecified, and as a result they are scrambling. The position was offered to me - to start ASAP, full-time, 9 to 5.
And it was interesting, because my immediate reaction wasn't "No." At the time I turned it down, I could have asked to come back after six months. But I didn't. And yet, a part of me thought - wouldn't it be wonderful to be back in the working world, doing a really interesting job. And I guess the thing is, I wanted the clerkship so badly. It was the focus of my whole second year of law school. And then I got it, and didn't do it. And here it was being offered again, which is totally unheard of. It was like all the stars were telling me I need to clerk!
But after mulling it over for an afternoon, I have decided not to take it. It would mean finding last-minute childcare for LM, cancelling my two trips, delaying my start date at my firm. And it wouldn't bring in much more money - maybe a couple hundred dollars extra a month - because by the time I finish paying for childcare, what's left won't be much more than what the government pays me to be on my year of maternity leave.
I'm sure LM would survive, even thrive, without me. I'm sure I'd enjoy the work. But I think I'd also look longingly out the window on a sunny July day and think, I could be hanging out in the wading pool with my guy, I could be going to music class or working in my garden. Work will always be there. But I can't get back this time.
And part of it is just about having confidence in my original decision. I don't want to a big fancy New York lawyer, or a well-known litigator. Work is important to me, and I want to have a career I love, but I have to have faith that I can get to that place through less traditional means. I need to define my own success - not adopt the definition from some law firm hiring committee.
And it was interesting, because my immediate reaction wasn't "No." At the time I turned it down, I could have asked to come back after six months. But I didn't. And yet, a part of me thought - wouldn't it be wonderful to be back in the working world, doing a really interesting job. And I guess the thing is, I wanted the clerkship so badly. It was the focus of my whole second year of law school. And then I got it, and didn't do it. And here it was being offered again, which is totally unheard of. It was like all the stars were telling me I need to clerk!
But after mulling it over for an afternoon, I have decided not to take it. It would mean finding last-minute childcare for LM, cancelling my two trips, delaying my start date at my firm. And it wouldn't bring in much more money - maybe a couple hundred dollars extra a month - because by the time I finish paying for childcare, what's left won't be much more than what the government pays me to be on my year of maternity leave.
I'm sure LM would survive, even thrive, without me. I'm sure I'd enjoy the work. But I think I'd also look longingly out the window on a sunny July day and think, I could be hanging out in the wading pool with my guy, I could be going to music class or working in my garden. Work will always be there. But I can't get back this time.
And part of it is just about having confidence in my original decision. I don't want to a big fancy New York lawyer, or a well-known litigator. Work is important to me, and I want to have a career I love, but I have to have faith that I can get to that place through less traditional means. I need to define my own success - not adopt the definition from some law firm hiring committee.
Labels: work
posted by grass @ 11:01 AM
2 Comments:
At 2:50 PM ,
kaitlyn said...
Deciding to be a working mom or not is a really, really hard decision that I don't think gets any easier. For me, full time was way too much right from the start. It wasn't the hours that I was away from Leila that I lamented, but I really felt like the quality of our family life suffered. Maybe if we had a weekly cleaner, or if she was older things would be different. It's hard because at the same time, I know that I don't want to be home %100 of the time... and then the balance of childcare costs like you said... anyway, good for you for truly knowing what you want, but don't be surprised that it may change one day.
Thanks for the diaper links, I have been wearing a couple of Bum Genius on Leila, and they are great. Were they very bulky on LM when he was smaller? I quite like Fuzzi Bunz, and find the legs have more room to adjust, although it sounds like he's slighter than Leila was at that age. Which do you prefer, BG or HH one size? They are all so expensive, but TOTALLY worth the price.
At 8:58 AM ,
linds said...
Good for you for sticking with your decision. I think staying at home with your little guy is really important and that you would regret missing out on this time with him. I think you are right, work will always be there and you can go back. I want to stay home when we have a baby because of all the reasons you mentioned. When do you go back to your firm?
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