Sleep Strategies

Sleep is such a polarising issue with parents. Everyone has an opinion. Just today my dentist, completely unsolicited, told me that Ferberizing his kids was the way to go - best decision ever. His hygienist even wrote the name of the book down for me. And "How he's sleeping?" is always the first question people ask. I ask it too... it's just one of those dumb things you say when you can't think of anything else to ask about.

Anyway, I decided early that I wouldn't try to worry about getting Little Man sleeping through the night because it's normal for them to wake a lot and parenting doesn't end at bedtime and all that other rhetoric. Nonetheless, at three months I found myself a little sleep-obsessed when LM was getting up almost every hour, or every two. And he was refusing to nap except in our arms. And he screamed every time we put him near his crib and could only get him to fall asleep in our bed with us in it. That's okay at night, but not exactly safe during the day.

His schedule was approximately this: wake at seven-thirty, be up for the day with a few catnaps here and there - in the carrier, the car seat, on me; occasionally he'd nap in his crib if we put him there after he fell asleep but he'd wake after 20 minutes. Then to bed at 7:30 where I nursed him to sleep. He'd then wake frequently between then and my bedtime. For a while it worked to just comfort him, but after a while he wouldn't calm down unless I nursed him again. That habit was starting to get trying because it meant D couldn't put him back to sleep.

So I decided to try and figure out some options. It seems like there are two major schools of sleep and anyone on a mom's message board will give you one of two pieces of advice: "Let 'em cry" or "Do whatever it takes - you're the one who signed up for this job." After scraping my car against a stationary post, collapsing in tears a couple of times, and just feeling utterly exhausted I decided sleep deprivation is not conducive to good parenting so "whatever it takes" just wasn't working. One day I was so frustrated I just left the room and let him cry for 15 minutes while I stood in the shower, drowning out his cries. It seems pretty silly in retrospect, but when you're so incredibly tired, these molehills become mountains. I resented him for not "letting" me have a break. Which is ridiculous. When I realised that, I decided a little sleep strategising was a whole lot better than the status quo.

I figured I'd start with naps, and hope the rest followed. I tried a technique I found on a website called "Pick-Up/Put-D*wn". I must admit I think it originates in the Baby Wh1sperer, a book I'm not overly fond of because it says by Day 2 or 3 you should put baby on a schedule and quit demand feeding. I can only imagine that approach leads to major supply issues if you are breastfeeding. Despite those origins, I was desperate for at least a nice three-hour stretch at night and maybe a little downtime during the day so I decided to try it.

The "technique" was this: put him in the crib, when he cries (which in LM's case happened almost before you put him down), pick him up. When he stops, put him down again. (Note: I think the "technique" only works if by picking them up you can get them to stop within a relatively short period of time.) If you read the rationale in the Baby Wh1sperer for doing this, it's really annoying: something about how you should meet your baby's need but do no more. Luckily I didn't read that before trying, but to me it did seem to be a reasonable way to get him to understand that the crib is safe, mummy comes when you need her, but it's okay to sleep there.

So I tried the "method": picking up and putting down for 40 minutes. The minute I lowered him in the crib, he'd cry. I'd rub him and say "Sleepytime!" Then when he didn't stop, I'd pick him up again. The picking up did calm him and eventually he was so tired he'd doze off in my arms. When he did that I'd put him down again. Finally he relented, and fell asleep in the crib. For 20 minutes. Still, better than nothing.

Day 1, Nap 2: We did it again, and it was another 30 minutes of up and down; he fell asleep. At night I did my usual routine and put him in our bed since I decided only to do the crib thing when I could afford to be consistent, and I wasn't committing to consistency at 3 a.m.

Day 2, Nap 1: He settles in crib without a fuss. He slept for 45 minutes. Knock me over with a feather. Nap 2: Minor fussing, some pick-ups, some put-downs, he finally settles in about 5 minutes.

Blah blah blah - 2 weeks later, he settles in his crib pretty easily for all naps - 3 to 4 a day which range from 40 minutes to two hours (sometimes with a nursing break in between). There has been some back-tracking, like when he won't settle for 5 or 6 minutes. But that's just SOOO much better than the 45 minutes D and I used to have to spend rocking him only to have him wake up the minute we put him down. If I "catch" him early enough he'll just drift off with just a few pats on the tummy.

As for nights, as I suspected, more sleep in the day has led to better nighttimes. All babies have light sleep cycles, and I think whenever LM stirred, instead of just dozing off again he became freaked out that I wasn't there. So he'd demand to nurse. He always slept better in the bed with me, as opposed to the bed or crib alone, which backs up this theory. But since he got used to falling asleep in the crib, he doesn't need to nurse each and every time he enters a new sleep cycle and generally only "calls" me when he is hungry - which means occasionally I even get a 5-hour stretch. I also did a little detective work on those wakings and realised some of them were gas-related. A daily dose of probiotics has helped that problem quite a bit.

So that's my story... despite or perhaps because of nearly falling into the "crying-it-out" trap, I'm still vehemently opposed to the traditional "letting him cry." There was some crying involved in the method (though depending on the temperament of your baby there might not be - LM has always been quick to cry.) But I'd like to think it was a lot less traumatic since he was being comforted through it all. The idea of walking away from a crying baby is still pretty repugnant to me. After all, I trained him to fall asleep in my arms and to need to be close to me. And I don't regret that one bit - I love nursing him to sleep and I love occasionally having him in the bed and I still do both. But there are ways, that will probably be different for different babies, of diversifying your get-to-sleep options.

My copy of "No-Cry Sleep Solution" came into the library this week; some of my ideas were gleaned from that website so I'm hoping reading the book will help me deal with future issues as they arise. I'm sure this isn't the last sleep post I'll write, but I hope it's the last one for a little while.