Musings...
We were talking in our yoga class about being more authentic. Truer to ourselves. Sometimes I find I really mute myself. I have strong beliefs and a fair amount of confidence but I don't articulate it for fear of offending someone. I am so fucking agreeable. Is that being inauthentic? Then I thought, well maybe being that way IS being authentic because part of my personality is a desire to make people feel comfortable. And sometimes I think I do a pretty good job of it. Lots of people used to confide in me - really personal things. But I don't get out much anymore, so that doesn't happen a whole lot. So I'm trying to find that balance between being authentic about my beliefs while still trying to put people at ease.
Anyhow - career. I remember before I had the baby I said, if I won the lottery, I'd keep on doing what I plan to do - article, work at the same place as I work at now. I'd just buy nicer clothes. But if I won the lottery today I don't think I would do that. I've had such a mental shift - I love being home, I love seeing the baby every day, I love being able to get outdoors and meeting lots of different kinds of people all going through the same universal experience. I love that 40-ish hipster baristas, or strung-out skinny east-siders, or trendy shop girls all say "Hey, I remember when they were that age." I want lots and lots of babies.
I wouldn't say I'm married to a work-a-holic, but I am married to someone who puts a lot of pressure on himself to work and succeed and who's willing to sacrifice a lot for his work. I'm not the same - I want my work to facilitate my life, and express it. Not the other way around. My success at work and school does not impact on my self-esteem the same way it does for him, although I did extremely well in law school and excelled in the work environment I was in before that. Normally I would try and mute that with some self-deprecating side-stepping, but I'm striving for authenticity here and I know that to be true.
Sometimes I think I chose law school because I'm risk averse. Because it seemed like a sensible thing to do. Because my mother said "Why don't you go to law school? You'd be so good at that." And I loved it. I know I could do well if I kept on trekking down the road I'm on. But more and more I'm thinking I want the road less travelled - not the short-cut, not the easy route. But some different path that will be more challenging and more rewarding for me. I want to take some risks. I just haven't found the right-turn off yet.
I will definitely remain on the path I'm on in the short-term. But bigger picture - I'd like to do something more authentic to me, something that taps into things I care about and love. I'm just throwing out ideas - they are random and unconnected. I'd love to start a business and do something entrepreneurial. I'd love to work with mothers and babies. I'd love to be with people as they go through some meaningful event. I worked with special needs kids for a semester and it was the only job I've ever consistently been thrilled to go to, even though it meant waking at six at a time when I was often out until four. I'd like to work in an area that furthers our quality of life somehow. I want to consume less and live more healthily. I'm willing to work a lot of hours, but I want to be able to set them. I want to live in the country. I want to be financially comfortable. I want to do something that makes a direct difference in the community I'm in.
Anyhow - career. I remember before I had the baby I said, if I won the lottery, I'd keep on doing what I plan to do - article, work at the same place as I work at now. I'd just buy nicer clothes. But if I won the lottery today I don't think I would do that. I've had such a mental shift - I love being home, I love seeing the baby every day, I love being able to get outdoors and meeting lots of different kinds of people all going through the same universal experience. I love that 40-ish hipster baristas, or strung-out skinny east-siders, or trendy shop girls all say "Hey, I remember when they were that age." I want lots and lots of babies.
I wouldn't say I'm married to a work-a-holic, but I am married to someone who puts a lot of pressure on himself to work and succeed and who's willing to sacrifice a lot for his work. I'm not the same - I want my work to facilitate my life, and express it. Not the other way around. My success at work and school does not impact on my self-esteem the same way it does for him, although I did extremely well in law school and excelled in the work environment I was in before that. Normally I would try and mute that with some self-deprecating side-stepping, but I'm striving for authenticity here and I know that to be true.
Sometimes I think I chose law school because I'm risk averse. Because it seemed like a sensible thing to do. Because my mother said "Why don't you go to law school? You'd be so good at that." And I loved it. I know I could do well if I kept on trekking down the road I'm on. But more and more I'm thinking I want the road less travelled - not the short-cut, not the easy route. But some different path that will be more challenging and more rewarding for me. I want to take some risks. I just haven't found the right-turn off yet.
I will definitely remain on the path I'm on in the short-term. But bigger picture - I'd like to do something more authentic to me, something that taps into things I care about and love. I'm just throwing out ideas - they are random and unconnected. I'd love to start a business and do something entrepreneurial. I'd love to work with mothers and babies. I'd love to be with people as they go through some meaningful event. I worked with special needs kids for a semester and it was the only job I've ever consistently been thrilled to go to, even though it meant waking at six at a time when I was often out until four. I'd like to work in an area that furthers our quality of life somehow. I want to consume less and live more healthily. I'm willing to work a lot of hours, but I want to be able to set them. I want to live in the country. I want to be financially comfortable. I want to do something that makes a direct difference in the community I'm in.
Labels: self
posted by grass @ 9:48 PM
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