The Guilt

I want to say first that I am really open to the hippier-trippier side of parenting. I'm open to learning about people who want to carry the placenta around attached to the baby until it falls off on its own, even if it makes D burst out laughing. I must admit, we still have our placenta in the fridge, much to D's disgust.

I went yesterday to a class on infant development, not a subject I'm that interested in frankly, since I figure it's all pretty obvious. They hold their heads, they sit, the crawl - I'm not too hung up on when it all happens.

There was a chiropractor there too who was to talk to us about babies' development too. Now, once again, I am a bit believer in chiros - I saw one for a year and I really credit him with being a major help in my headaches - they have, knock on wood, never been as bad as they were before I started seeing him. So I was pretty open to listening to what she might have to say about babies.

Right in the class, LM decided it was his fussy time and started to wail. At times he just gets overtired and every little tummy gurgle makes him very upset, so I started rocking him and shushing him. I think it comforts him (like most white noise, vacuums, hair dryers) because it reminds him of the whoosh-whoosh in the womb.

All the while, the chiro is talking about how important it is for babies to be close to mothers and all the usual attachment parenting philosophy. A lot of the attachment stuff about babies needing to have demands met and being kept close to caregivers I do find very compelling - but some of it is so guilt-ridden that I get a bit tired of the whole school of thought. Especially the stuff that says things like "Babies in other countries are worn constantly are have every need attended to, and they never cry." Well guess what? A) I've been to other countries and their babies do cry, and B) Even after every need is attended to, and after he's been worn all day, sometimes my baby still cries! Inconsolably, despite being held, loved, rocked. And at those rather stressful times, all those attachment articles about how letting babies cry causes brain damage are very stressful on a poor first-time mother (i.e. ME!) Sometimes they just cry for no discernible reason - I'm not saying that they don't have a reason, but it's pretty hard for you or me to figure out.

But we weren't quite at the inconsolable point, it was just a small rock-me-burp-me-help-me-fall-asleep cry, not a big vein-popping-out-of-the-head-I-HATE-THE-WORLD wail. So I'm doing my rocking, shushing and thinking about moving out into the hall to walk around with him. Then the chiro diverges from the attachment theory, and talks about her own work. She tells us that we really shouldn't shush babies. Sometimes they need to just fuss because they are recalling something traumatic, perhaps about their birth experience or something that happened to them in the womb. We need to dialogue with them. And a lot of times babies and young children need therapy to recover from the trauma of things that have happened in the womb, or at birth. LM, she said, was trying to tell us something VERY IMPORTANT and we needed to listen! And we should not just try to shut him up, because doing that could have long-term effects on the way he communicates with people that would affect relationships for the rest of his life! She has to help such people all the time, people who need to recover from the trauma of mediocre parenting. "Everyone was just trying their best" she said. The implication, of course, is that sometimes your best just isn't good enough.

Anyway, I'm not much of one for feeling guilty, but I do have to say, the amount guilt placed on parents is quite extraordinary. Whether it's guilt because they're in your bed, or not in your bed, or because you try to stop their crying, or you don't try to stop it, it's everywhere. And if LM is upset because of trauma at birth or in the womb, I think every child on Earth must be permanently scarred, because I really can't imagine how any of it could have been less traumatic, unless perhaps they'd sedated him throughout, which I think most people agree is not the best idea. Also? I think I kind of hate it when someone who doesn't have a kid gives me advice on mine.