Some Positive Reinforcement Please?
When I was five or six years old, I was at a birthday party where I drew a picture of a clown for my mother and father. The clown was juggling three balls which flew around his head and I was exceedingly proud of it. I proudly showed it to the birthday girl who promptly ridiculed those balls and my clown and made me realise it was just a bad crayon drawing and in no way worthy of a spot on the fridge. Somehow my parents got the picture anyway and put it on the door to my dad's study, where it stayed for many months. Every time I passed it, I still felt like it was inadequate though - my initial pride in it never quite recovered from that pint-sized art critic's commentary.
Anyway, don't you just hate when something you show off proudly gets criticised? And you know that people you care about have been sitting around talking about what's wrong with it. I am aware that I am blowing this 1000x out of proportion, but it's been on my mind.
In the days before my LM's birth, I picked out beautiful black and white drawings for his wall. Then I made a special trip to the ninth circle of hell, also known as that ubiquitous Swedish design store to buy frames for them. I spent 45 minutes lining the pictures up exactly with a level and a tape measure - no easy feat when you are wedged between a crib and a wall with a watermelon-sized belly. I placed them high enough that they'd be out of reach of even a standing baby, but low enough that he'd be able to appreciate them.
Yesterday a family member pointedly mentioned that another family member had been to a safety conference on earthquake safety, and they had been talking about how it's really quite dangerous to have anything hanging above a crib. Basically, my lovingly placed photos could maim my child if the earth starts to move. "Something to consider..." she added nodding towards the room.
It really bothers me that the couple who attended the earthquake conference feels obliged to pass on this safety tidbit in such a roundabout way. It's one thing to say it upfront, and another to discuss it in private with another and get her to convey the message. It just bugs me to know they were all sitting around criticising my beautiful mini-nursery.
I am a pretty risk averse mama. I am so paranoid of SIDs that my baby sleeps on the hardest surface around. I bought one of those all-natural crib mattresses (although admittedly he has not yet slept in his crib). His bottle is glass so it's free of Bisphenol-A just in case all the fears about cancer are true. My newest baby carrier is one that's supposed to support the baby's back optimally for development. I never place my bouncy chair on an elevated surface and when he's in it, I move everything off adjacent tables or counters so they don't fall on him accidentally. Even his Vitamin-D drops are specifically all natural. I say all this not to demonstrate that I am some kind of superior mother, just to show that I put a lot of pressure on myself. And sometimes I just wish that instead of being reminded of the one thing I did wrong, someone would acknowledge that I'm trying really, really hard to do my best.
Besides, if the walls in this apartment move enough to shakes those pictures off the wall (they are like, ANCHORED on there), a few IKEA frames falling on him will be the least of our worries.
Anyway, don't you just hate when something you show off proudly gets criticised? And you know that people you care about have been sitting around talking about what's wrong with it. I am aware that I am blowing this 1000x out of proportion, but it's been on my mind.
In the days before my LM's birth, I picked out beautiful black and white drawings for his wall. Then I made a special trip to the ninth circle of hell, also known as that ubiquitous Swedish design store to buy frames for them. I spent 45 minutes lining the pictures up exactly with a level and a tape measure - no easy feat when you are wedged between a crib and a wall with a watermelon-sized belly. I placed them high enough that they'd be out of reach of even a standing baby, but low enough that he'd be able to appreciate them.
Yesterday a family member pointedly mentioned that another family member had been to a safety conference on earthquake safety, and they had been talking about how it's really quite dangerous to have anything hanging above a crib. Basically, my lovingly placed photos could maim my child if the earth starts to move. "Something to consider..." she added nodding towards the room.
It really bothers me that the couple who attended the earthquake conference feels obliged to pass on this safety tidbit in such a roundabout way. It's one thing to say it upfront, and another to discuss it in private with another and get her to convey the message. It just bugs me to know they were all sitting around criticising my beautiful mini-nursery.
I am a pretty risk averse mama. I am so paranoid of SIDs that my baby sleeps on the hardest surface around. I bought one of those all-natural crib mattresses (although admittedly he has not yet slept in his crib). His bottle is glass so it's free of Bisphenol-A just in case all the fears about cancer are true. My newest baby carrier is one that's supposed to support the baby's back optimally for development. I never place my bouncy chair on an elevated surface and when he's in it, I move everything off adjacent tables or counters so they don't fall on him accidentally. Even his Vitamin-D drops are specifically all natural. I say all this not to demonstrate that I am some kind of superior mother, just to show that I put a lot of pressure on myself. And sometimes I just wish that instead of being reminded of the one thing I did wrong, someone would acknowledge that I'm trying really, really hard to do my best.
Besides, if the walls in this apartment move enough to shakes those pictures off the wall (they are like, ANCHORED on there), a few IKEA frames falling on him will be the least of our worries.
posted by grass @ 9:29 AM
6 Comments:
At 12:40 PM ,
Opal said...
I don't know if this is positive reinforcement, BUT, from what you've said, I'd say it's more likely the visitor took the info and decided to tell you about it, rather than a pointed message sent from the conference-attending couple.
In other stance... it's your nursery and I'm sure it's gorgeous (pictures? Please? :).
The line? "Thank you for your opinion."
Then change the subject. It's all about I hear you (and I'll do what's right for us).
*hug*
At 1:01 PM ,
LL said...
I had a post somewhere during my pregnancy about how I hate that kind of advice that really seems like criticism. Drives me Crazy. You do the best you can, make the right decisions for you, and try not to let what other people say bother you. Much easier said than done, I know.
At 2:52 PM ,
kaitlyn said...
Ah that sucks. And your comment about the frames being the least of your worries is true! But also. I don't know why people feel so obligated to tell you about the dangers, you know? You have enough to worry about, you're already in complete protector-mode, and worried about every. Single. Thing. Why, why must she mention frames falling on him? I say, don't worry about the frames! You are doing a great job so far. :)
At 10:09 AM ,
linds said...
I nevber kenw we had earthquakes here - must have missed the memo on that one. I agree with the "Thank you for your opinion" and then on you go. People are always so concerned about everyone's business but their own!
At 11:34 AM ,
Michelle said...
I'd probably be feeling the same way you are, but agree with Opal that the intentions were good. Everyone has this compulsive need to pass on advice on any and every little thing, and it can get maddening! A good shut-'em-down line is a MUST. :) Oh, and if you do find yourself worried about the frames, use velcro. One side affixed to wall, other bit attached to frame, voila. No movage. (Oh and I'd love to see pics, too!) Big hugs, mama!
At 5:36 PM ,
Emily said...
You're completely justified in feeling miffed by the uninvited advice (though, that statement sounds less like advice and more like or "constructive criticism"). I think the general opinion among etiquette experts is that there is not much you can do to avoid or rebuff such commentary except to be noncommittally gracious and move on. Your family member probably heard that sort of "advice" herself when she was a new wife or mother, but she's forgotten, as many do, how it feels to be on the receiving end of such a statement. Try to have faith that she meant well. It sounds as though she took it upon herself to mention the frames—and if they really were gossiping and conspiring to get the message to you, then I have some "constructive criticism" for them about how they choose to spend their time!
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