Singing the Blues
Motherhood really is so much more than I imagined. I never would have guessed the intensity of feelings I have for Little Man. I was calling him Baby A for a while, but I think now he will be known as LM for Little Man, because that is what D calls him constantly. And he does have that wizened newborn look, like a very old soul in a very small body. He furrows his brows in the most adorable way, or sometimes his eyebrows rise up as though he's discovered something truly amazing while sleeping. He gets these amazing sleep grins, though they occasionally turn into frowns, which are even sweeter. He also has hair, which for some reason I knew he would, even though both D and I were completely bald babies. I love that he has a little bit of hair.
I have had a bit of baby blues. I kind of anticipated that I would because I tend to be an emotional person, and long-times readers will know of my battles with anxiety et cetera. Mostly it happens in the evening when I am tired and he is being adorable. I just well up and cry with the intensity of feelings. I worry about something happening to him; I can't imagine how I'd go on! Strangely I also worry about something happening to me. Why would my adorable little baby do without his mama? Does this sound crazy?
And there is a sense of sadness that so many joyful moments, so long anticipated have now arrived. The birth was so intense and amazing, and now it's over. My care by my amazing midwives is winding down (well, I see them for another 5 weeks, but still.) I can't quite picture how the next year will be, being at home with him. Will I be lonely? I have few friends (read: one) with babies. Also, I worry about how it will be going back to work. How could I possibly leave him? And I can't believe the days that have already passed - have I savoured these moments enough? Time already seems to be racing past! I only have 11 months left at home!
The blues do seem to be getting better, having peaked on Day 4 or 5, when I think the hormones were just bottoming out. Maybe stability is coming back. I need to remind myself that the best is just beginning and that there are many, many incredibly loving and joyful moments up ahead. And there's a squirming little worm lying next to me right here to prove it.
I have had a bit of baby blues. I kind of anticipated that I would because I tend to be an emotional person, and long-times readers will know of my battles with anxiety et cetera. Mostly it happens in the evening when I am tired and he is being adorable. I just well up and cry with the intensity of feelings. I worry about something happening to him; I can't imagine how I'd go on! Strangely I also worry about something happening to me. Why would my adorable little baby do without his mama? Does this sound crazy?
And there is a sense of sadness that so many joyful moments, so long anticipated have now arrived. The birth was so intense and amazing, and now it's over. My care by my amazing midwives is winding down (well, I see them for another 5 weeks, but still.) I can't quite picture how the next year will be, being at home with him. Will I be lonely? I have few friends (read: one) with babies. Also, I worry about how it will be going back to work. How could I possibly leave him? And I can't believe the days that have already passed - have I savoured these moments enough? Time already seems to be racing past! I only have 11 months left at home!
The blues do seem to be getting better, having peaked on Day 4 or 5, when I think the hormones were just bottoming out. Maybe stability is coming back. I need to remind myself that the best is just beginning and that there are many, many incredibly loving and joyful moments up ahead. And there's a squirming little worm lying next to me right here to prove it.
posted by grass @ 9:25 PM
3 Comments:
At 9:40 AM ,
linds said...
I think you are doing great and all the feelings you are feeling are completely normal. just remember that if it gets too much to bear, don't be afraid to ask for help. Eitherwise, enjoy all those special little moments with your baby. :)
At 4:34 PM ,
kaitlyn said...
Oh my gosh, everything you are feeling is completely to be expected. The feelings you have for your little man will not lessen with time, but somehow only become more intense. And it is very scary and real to fear your own mortality now that you have someone so completely dependant on you.
It's impossible to imagine leaving him now (as it should be) but come 11 months from now, you will have figured out the best options for you three.
Thinking of you :)
At 11:13 PM ,
Dave said...
"long-times readers will know of my battles with anxiety et cetera"
I was just thinking the other day how I missed randomly perusing your old blog entries which I had followed along for years while I also dealt with my own adjustment to… whatever this is that comes after adolescence. You would fret over girls who might be prettier than you or boys who gave you gifts with someone else's name on the tag. Then with beer you bribed a friend to arrange a meeting with a different boy, a very different one, who's sharing all your new joy with you now.
When a few unintentionally misplaced details gave you concern that your secret identity might be revealed, you hid away all that back-story. It was a strange feeling when one day I couldn't access any of that anymore, like waking up the morning after a tornado blew away everything familiar and all that was left was memories. In a way though, that was a new beginning.
Your battles with anxiety don't seem to have stopped, I doubt they ever do for anyone, but you seem so much better equipped to deal with that now. All of that practice has made you stronger. I can see it in the way that the types of conflicts that used to paralyze you are now just nuisances.
Your beautiful new baby isn't the only one who's been growing.
I can't wait to hear what comes next.
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