Who Me?

I woke up this morning in a bit of a panic. In just a few weeks, maybe sooner, my whole life will be completely different. I will no longer be solely responsible to myself. I will no longer just be able to pick and move to a different country on a whim, or quit my job to backpack across Europe, or skydive. I can't get wasted at a friend's cottage party and puke on the steps. I know that I could technically do those things, but in every decision I make I will keep in mind the needs and desires and general well-being of another person - a person who needs me not to be in another country, or falling out of the sky.

In some ways it's sort of silly to get worked up about, because I have no desire to sky dive anyway. But what about the small stuff? Just the basics of making a dentist appointment or going to the store will be complicated by someone else's schedule. I will no longer be able to indulge in my secret single behaviour when D goes out of town, where I hang out naked and skip dinner to eat brownie mix. There will be someone depending on me. Yes, D depends on me, as do a few other people - but those people are fully functioning adults. This little person won't just depend on me - she or he will be dependent on me. That's more than a semantic difference.

I'm sure that feeling this is normal. I'm not beating myself up about it - after all, sometimes you just need to take a moment to realise the magnitude of where your life is going. It sounds stupid, but it's the first time I've really even thought about it. I've spent so much time worrying over small and ridiculous risks related to pregnancy and parenthood, ignoring the obvious: my whole life is going to change.

I still remember asking my mother a question once when I was about four. She didn't know the answer and said so. I said "How can you not know? You're a grown-up!" I'm about to be someone else's grown-up. But I'm still just a kid!