Probably far too much information

That - is a very blurry picture of a plus sign. Funny - I have actually never seen a positive pregnancy test before because last time, when I miscarried, I never got a really definitive positive. There was a faint, faint line which led to me to the doctor who confirmed it via bloodwork.

So this is probably way too much detail, but I include it as a cautionary tale - I have been using the FAM method of birth control, or actually not using it. FAM is a method where you chart your temperatures, cervical fluid etc. and figure out when you ovulate. The first few days of your cycle and once you've ovulated you don't need protection. But then I got kind of lazy and stopped "temping", which the book says never to do, and stopped examining my fluid, which the book also says never to do. My cycle was super-regular - I without fail ovulated on Day 17, so I bent the rules and stretched out the time we could go without protection beforehand. We we were still pretty careful and used condoms from Day 10 or so onwards. Except when we were in Jamaica I guess I miscalculated what day we were on. Suddenly I realised we were no longer in the "safe zone" and thought not much more of it because it still would have been relatively unlikely because we were nowhere near Day 17. But I guess the body does weird things because here we are! I know it sounds like this was a terribly risky method of birth control anyway. But if I had actually followed it, this would not have happened. The book says never to assume when you will ovulate, but I broke that rule. So I stand by FAM, with the caution that it's easy to get complacent about compliance. After all, the birth control pill is not good either if you don't take it.

So yes, this was a surprise. We had been trying last year because the timing worked well - I'm essentially part-time at school and I thought it would be great to have a baby before getting out in the law world - I'd have taken this summer off. But as time marched on, the window of opportunity passed. I am (was) starting a clerkship in September, then doing my articles, so we figured we'd aim for after my articles. That would have put our "ideal" due date, oh, about a two years and a half years from now.

We were away for the weekend at D's work retreat; I was lying in bed feeling nauseous and thinking about why. Then I remembered that almost a week earlier I had leaned over the sofa and my chest had been really sore. I'll add here that I'm an A-cup, so that area of my body is not accustomed to soreness, except for maybe the day before my period. D woke up and asked what was up. I said "I'm worried we might have miscalculated in Jamaica." He was like "what will be will be!" D has actually been jonesing a little for a baby lately and while there's been no pressure, he has said that two and a half years seems an awfully long time away. A few months ago he said "My single biggest fear is that I'll wait too long before I have children and I'll be too old." It was an out-of-the-blue remark and he sort of laughed it off afterwards. But maybe someone was listening.

So on Tuesday, as saw, I took one of the old cheapie tests I had kicking around. No line came up at first. I wasn't as disappointed as I expected. I shrugged my shoulders at D and started making breakfast. But a minute or two later I looked over and there was a line. I took another test yesterday and got that plus you see here. And today, my doctor confirmed it and gave me a pregnancy magazine and a little book with a no-neck baby grinning on the cover.

I'm feeling a little torn. If this has happened six months ago or six months from now, I'm sure I'd have been thrilled. But is it horribly ungrateful to think that this is the worst possible timing? I will likely have to give up my clerkship - that's my single greatest regret about this. I won't be eligible for EI because I won't have worked enough in the previous year - even if it had been a few months earlier/later I would have been. We'll have to sell our place because it's only 700 square feet with one very small bedroom and I just don't see us making it work here. I realise people raise kids in one-bedrooms and we could too, but if I co-sleep I'd rather it be by choice than out of necessity. And this is the little stuff - but I probably won't be able to do the triathlon; and I just spent $200 on a bridesmaid dress I will now be far too enormous to wear!

So that's me freaking out. But there is someone on the opposite shoulder reminding me that life is what happens when you're busy making plans. And I know this will be the most awesome adventure ever. And I do believe in fate and that if this all works out it was meant to be. And while giving up the clerkship is a blow, I also know that many other people give up a lot more - teenage mothers who forgo graduating, and low income folks who have a lot less than we do. Or who knows, maybe I can still work something out with them and my other job. At least I can try and get some extra work this summer to be eligible for EI. I am lucky to live in a country where taking a year off is permitted, even expected, and I'm lucky that even if I don't get EI, we could afford for me to do it. And D's excited too - greeting me with "How's the best ever future mother?" And it is kind of cool that our baby was conceived on Christmas in the Caribbean. Beats my conception story - my parents' weird friend's guest bedroom while their house was being reno'd. And last but definitely not least - I get out of cleaning the cat litter for a whole nine months!

Part of me wonders too if this muted reaction is a bit of self-protection given what happened last time. The other weird thing is that I haven't had any symptoms really. Last time I was really sick and I haven't felt any real symptoms yet other than the soreness and a tiny tinge of nausea. Maybe once I have a good bout of vomiting this will all feel more real. And yes, I realise the irony of reasoning that puking might make me appreciate all this a little more.

P.S. KRISTEN! Are you still out there? Where are you blogging these days? Please send me a note if you can't write it down at grass@ this site dot com.