mysteries and surprises

there were no stones. and the british doctor couldn't see far enough inside me with that tube to decide whether to start cutting. so the pain is unresolved and i soldier on, waiting for an mri. it could be quite the wait. besides, maybe they'll just remove the organ anyway, so i'm kind of wondering whether it's worth waiting for the test. in the meantime i google my symptoms over and over and diagnose myself with potentially fatal diseases.

i won money today, which is always a nice surprise. i got a prize from school for high academic standing in a course that has a reputation for being difficult. besides just the cheque, i get a little notation etched onto my permanent record. it almost makes up for the terrible, and i might add, unjust, mark i got in one class this year. that mark still leaves me tossing at 3 a.m. as i wake from a nightmare about being rejected from grad school. i've had other marks that were low (though not that low) and i know why they happened; i was unprepared, i froze, i got confused about times. but this was not the case. my bad mark is not a reflection of me, it's a reflection of the prof. if i couldn't ace that exam, it was a bad exam. not that makes any difference; my permanent record doesn't have a spot for annotations that say 'bad exam.'

i'm not sure about being my career choice. i still like the idea of it, and i'm amused during the day; but i need to make sure i am working for people i care about. sometimes i wish i'd become a doctor. i was scared and felt too old to make such a big change in direction. but it wasn't too late - i see that now. it's still not too late, but at the same time, it is.